Nicknames you've given to strangers

In My Humble Opinion
101

The IGOTTANEW family. They lived next door to my parents. The two little daughters would run over to may parents’ house whenever they saw someone outside, and take turns yelling “I gotta new dress!” “I gotta new hair bow!” ad infinitum.

As it turned out, they were driving the whole neighborhood crazy. The parents were, needless to say, of an acquisitive nature. They were also quite strange, in a socially inept way. They ended up in bankruptcy, losing their house to foreclosure back in the 80’s. Sad family, who rejoiced in buying new stuff on credit. We often wonder whatever happened to the IGottaNew family.

102

Updates:

Jammie Man does indeed live in the house where he always hangs out on the front porch. He gets sent outside whenever he smokes. But he always faces the screen door so he can talk to the man (his son?) inside. The younger man rarely comes outside. There are also a couple of women there but they are rarely visible.

Unfriendly Toddler now has a younger sibling. We do not yet know how friendly or unfriendly it will be since we’ve only seen it once or twice in a stroller.

103

I used to work with a woman I dubbed Thumbelina. She would lower her head a bit and lift one hand to sort of mask her face and then stick her thumb in her mouth and suck on it like she was 2 years old. This messed up her teeth so badly that her front teeth stuck out so far that she couldn’t close her lips around them without a serious amount of effort.

104

To one who works out at my gym:

Fancy Dancy Pants.

He wears bright orange shorts and is always jamming to his iPod.

105

Yes, although it’s not always easy to obtain or retain one.

106

There is a girl at work who looks like a prettier, skinnier version of Jenna_Bush. She is of course called “Jenna Bush”.

107

Mr. Wankerton was a young single guy who lived in the apartment building across from us. Many evenings he would lie on his couch watching porn, drearily masturbating. He never thought to close the blinds. We were overjoyed when he finally started dating someone, someone who closed the blinds.

108

TDH — short for “Tall, Dark and Handsome” although we never used those words he was the Single Man who lived in the studio next to us. We shared a wall and he seemed like a pretty lonely guy now that I think about it. Just a recent grad student trying to make his way in the world. Although that last sentence is all conjecture. All I really remember is the time my friend and I did an a cappella version of “Seven Nation Army” and he banged on the wall rather loudly. I never did see his face.

BMOC — Short for “Big Man On Campus” of course. He was the next neighbor I had. I don’t think he had a single thing in his apartment. Weird Smells came from there all the time. I’m beginning to forget how he was named “BMOC” since he wasn’t college aged or the sporting type. It made sense at the time.

Pushups Guy — He was the guy who used to offer to do pushups for me for drugs. How can you do pushups for someone?

The “That’s How you Treat a Slut!” Guy — He was the guy who would go around and ask you a question and then respond with the non-sequitur that is his namesake.

Father Time — He hung out at the little park near the grocery store. Very sad, wise-looking old man.

109

Shower Boy: I gave this moniker to my neighbor’s teenage son because he looooooooved to sing in the shower. Um, yeah. I just realized that the nickname had nothing to do with music. But then, neither did his singing.

110

Magic Socks - a woman who works in one of the other rooms at work, and wears hospital socks with her sandals. She only wears the hospital socks with the sandals. When she wears her regular shoes, she has on regular socks.

Mustang Sallya.k.a Big Red - She used to come in to the gas station I worked at. Drove a red Mustang, always wore a red shirt had Red hair, smoked Marlboro Reds.

Rod Stewart - A man in his 50’s, with 1970’s Rod Stewart style hair, used to come in to the gas station.

Belfast Bonnie - An older woman who would come in to the store and buy cigarettes for her whole family. The Belfast part was because she always wore an sweatshirt that said “Ireland” on it.

111

Terrible Smelling Kid - When I come in late to calc discussion, I have to sit in the last remaining seat, which is always by this one guy who smells terrible. It’s not B.O, it’s just a bad smell. I feel sorry for him, because I’m forced to assume he can’t do anything about it.

112

The Level 99 Archmage: He haunted the MacDonalds near my church (when I used to go to church), thin, with pale skin, and had long hair. Without fail, in his arms would be a number of D&D 3.5 source-books. He was a fixture at the MacDonalds there that I spot him almost every week, and according to my friends, saturdays as well. I never spot him GMing or at a game though. Weekdays even (the mall where the Mac is a hub for cyber-gaming)

The Parrot Trainer: An interesting sight at my old home. At times when I go running at the nearby park, I would spot this athletic guy who ran with a parrot perched on his shoulder (no, he’s not missing an eye). He would do his warm-up and warm-down with the parrot on too. He had a string tied to its leg. It was kind of cool.

113

Tim Conway’s Mother A deli clerk at the local supermarket. So named because she moves as if rigor mortis is setting in, reminding us of Tim Conway’s old man character on the Carol Burnett show.

The Yippy Yappies Neighbors to our rear, owners of two little wastes of fur dogs that yip and yap when we’re out when they are.

The Yippy Nappies Incredibly un-PC term for the young black kids a few houses down that jump on their trampoline and shriek endlessly when the weather is warm. So called as we noticed them when the Don Imus saga was playing out.

Aunt Bee An old lady that we meet on our dog walk sometimes that could talk the legs off a chair and knows everything about everyone in the neighborhood.

The Sour Krauts German family on our street that never smile or wave or anything.

114

Ahh the “douchetooth”

115

Could be malfunctioning kidneys. WAG.

116

There is this guy who goes to my gym who I have dubbed Buff Sheldon. Because he looks just like Jim Parsons from The Big Bang Theory, except, you know, buff.

117

On my morning bus ride there are several regulars I have given my own private nicknames to.

The Federal Artist – she’s Asian, her hair is graying a bit, and she has an air of defeated or stifled creativity about her. I pretend she’s an artist who works on some kind of Federal project with too much oversight.

Christopher Walken Junior – just looks like him enough that the name springs to mind.

Arlene – looks like a nice woman I used to work with named Alrene.

Francine – Always smiling to herself. Never talks. She has a large nose but is quite beautiful; I wonder if she knows that the nose works for her. I just think she looks like a Francine.

Frenchy – Looks like she’s actually from France; has a sort of European worldiness. Probably in actuality a rollergirl from Cleveland.

Mrs. Peachbottom – white-haired but slim older lady. She wears tight, tight slacks and has, well, a great bottom, which she sort of emphasizes. It’s kind of a strange contrast.

Mr. Mean – has harangued the bus drivers over minor things a few times. Often consults his watch theatrically if he thinks we are running late.

Angry Young Man – has been thrown off the bus once, after a memorable fight that began when he perceived the bus driver greeted other people and ignored him. Looks Mediterranean or maybe Middle-Eastern. Has been quiet recently. I wonder if I should worry about him.

The Dignified Gentleman – well-dressed white-haired gent who moves with deliberation and appears calm and satisfied at all times.

Red – redhead with spectacular hair. Haven’t seen her in a while.

Two-Tone – Tall gentleman; the graying hair on the side of his head and his temples does not match the startlingly darker hairpiece on top. I am baffled that he wears something so glaringly different-colored that even I notice it. He dresses well and might even be considered good-looking, but the comical two-tone effect looks like something out of a Mr. Bean sketch. His deportment is very grand; I wonder if he knows?

118

The downstairs neighbor at our former apartment was “The Slammer.”

Due to her parents never teaching her how to properly shut a door.

119

A guy at my workout club shows up at least 3 times a week and just does one machine. He has been doing it for years and has a strange build. When I refer to Mr. Pullover ,everyone knows who I mean.

120

McVeigh – A very quiet guy I used see at the bus station on a pretty regular basis. He doesn’t really look like his namesake; he just looks like the sort of guy who would stockpile assault rifles and blow up buildings.