No, dearest Mom, the dog is YOUR problem.

You asked me whether I thought it was a good idea to get a new dog. I said no. You’re living alone now and there’s no family of four to help you take care of a dog, play with it and give it affection. There’s just you.

At the time, it was late autumn. I told you that even if you could look past the fact that having to take care of a dog by yourself would be a giant pain in the ass, it was a bad time of year to get a dog, because I knew you wouldn’t go outside when it’s cold to train it.

Surprise, surprise. You got the dog anyway. And, as I predicted, it is starved for affection and attention, and it’s poorly trained. I’m sorry that the dog is a constant pain in the ass for you and your new “empty nest” lifestyle. I’m sorry that it seems to gravitate toward the most expensive and fragile things in the room and that it eats them. I’m sorry that it pisses and shits all over everything. I’m sorry that the dog is too wild and crazy for you to consider hiring one of the neighborhood kids to take care of it while you’re out of town. You wanted the dog, you bought it, it’s your problem.

Will I take the dog to Bide-a-Wee and “give it back” like you asked? No. Not my responsibility.

Will I let you take the dog with you when you visit me? No. The last time you did that, the dog nearly sunk his teeth into one of my Les Pauls.

Yes, I know that the dog is untrainable. That probably has something to do with the fact that you didn’t try to train it in the first 6 months of its life. It also might have something to do with the fact that it spends most of its time either locked in a cage in the basement or running around in the yard within the confines of its invisible fence. Lack of attention and affection can do that to dogs.

And just because I’m not surprised that the dog turned out this way doesn’t mean I’m not pissed that the dog eats anything it can get its jaws around. Let’s take stock of a few notable things the dog has eaten recently:

  • The remote control for the TV
  • Several pairs of your shoes
  • Several golf balls
  • An entire box of slug and snail poison (I don’t know how the dog managed to live, much less not get sick.)
  • A cell phone charger
  • Numerous wires, plastic cups, pens and pencils, plants and plastic flower pots, the plastic cover for the propane grill (You name it, the dog has eaten it).

Everybody’s pissed off that they can’t leave their belongings out in the open in your house, because the dog will eat them. I’m worried about the stuff you’ve agreed to let me store at your place. God forbid that dog gets his jaws around something really valuable - it will be the last thing it ever munches on.

If you can’t take care of the dog, get rid of it. Give it to someone who can pay attention to it. Just do something before it eats any more of my stuff.

Jeez-us! That dog has steel intestines! I mean, I can only handle one or two golf balls… but several? Damn.

And for God’s sake keep that dog away from the guitars!

well, first off, is the dog spayed/neutered? not that doing so always, helps, but it could.

secondly, do you have a key to your mom’s place? do you own black clothing? can you find someone who would be willing to take on such a beast and hopefully try to retrain it before all is lost? black-op’s dog extraction/relocation… I’ll leave it at that.

and, yeah, if a dog ever bit one of my guitars, much less a Les Paul, it would suddenly become a flying dog…

Poor bored untrained puppy.

Poor lonely mother.

What she needs is an old dog, that’s trained and past puppy stupidness. What puppy needs is a young family with time to play and teach. Perhaps you can help both mother and puppy out?

Some clarifications:

  1. The dog is 2 years old. Puppy stupidness should be over by now.

  2. It has been spayed.

  3. I do have a key to mom’s place - actually I’m part owner of the house (I’m buying out my dad’s share post-divorce), so I could sneak in there in the middle of the night…

Looks like I need to look for another family to take care of this beast. It’s likely mom will be open to the idea. I just hate having to correct someone else’s fuckups, especially when I warned her about getting the dog in the first place.

Puppy stupidness can last beyond the age of two. It depends on the dog, but if said dog is locked up with no stimulation for long periods of time, it’s going to be destructive from boredom if nothing else.

Like I said before, why not consider getting an older dog, from a shelter or someplace like that? It will give your mother the company she obviously feels the need of, but she won’t have to train it like she would a younger dog. It’s a shame you’re not local - I happen to know of an 8+ year old dog that is going to be shot if no one takes it, because the owners don’t want it anymore. He’s a lovely old chap, Cocker Spaniel, so not real smart, but friendly and sweet. Surely there is a dog like poor old Nelson that lives near you and would be welcome in your mother’s home? She might be more agreeable to getting rid of her dog if you suggest another, more suitable dog?

One more thing - the dog is now 2 years old. The worst should be behind you now. Over the next couple of years, it will settle down more. You can teach an old dog new tricks, especially when the old dog is only 2, and getting the advice of a vet might help you groom the dog to be the perfect pet.

I know you warned her against getting the dog, and I know it’s not your responsibility, but is there any way you can help her teach the dog to be more human? She’s obviously past training a dog herself. If you’re willing to go to the trouble of stealing the dog in the night, and finding it another home, couldn’t you go to the trouble of finding a local kid willing to exercise the dog for your mother?

I feel sorry for both of them. They sound like a mismatched pair.

my mom has FOUR of these fucking things! she is at a stage in her life where she finally has the freedom to do whatever she wants. she tells me, " i sure would like to take a month-long cruise of the mediterraian…" i reply, “do it!”

“oh, no! i couldn’t leave my dogs for that long!”

i hate these animals with a passion, horrid little yapping fuck-mops that they are. oh well, she seems to enjoy them, so whatever. she just has to drive to my house to see her new grandson, though. i’m not subjecting him to thier 110 db yapping, shit, piss and hair!

i said it before, and i’ll say it again:

i hate dogs.

Parents and their untrained dogs are such a delight, aren’t they? Mine have three. One, the miscellaneous lap-sized mutt, is only a mild problem, sometimes. The mini-schnauzer is no problem whatsoever because he has the temperament of a well-socialized Golden on heavy tranquilizers. The slightly bigger-than-average and utterly untrained German Shepherd? That’s another story.

Please do something with the situation, THespos. It’s not your responsibility, but the dog is obviously miserable, and he has done nothing to deserve such a rotten life. Think of the dog, man! (I don’t think a two-year old dog is untrainable - it just takes some effort. Can you get her to take it to a good dog-training class or something? Or give the dog to somebody who will appreciate it? And maybe get herself a bird or something for company?)

Just to piss you off, I’ll mention that what your mother is doing constitutes animal abuse. The creature is a fritterpated attention starved wreck. That said, get the lamewad critter out of your (putative) house before you end up having to tear up the urine soaked subfloor and recarpet the place.

I’m still disgusted that people do this to dogs. It’s just plain hideous. I watched my mother do this to a succession of strays with the net result of countless heirlooms being destroyed. We won’t mention the three week old color television set that was instantly short circuited by a cat pissing in it.

featherlou - we did the obedience school thing after year one. No dice. That dog is fucked up.

Basically, it never stopped teething. When I was around and it started chewing on something it wasn’t supposed to, I would give it a smack and give it a rawhide chew or something like that. Here’s the problem - this dog can really fucking chew.

Every time I go to Wal-Mart or KMart, I throw some sort of large chew toy in my shopping cart for this dog. Nothing works. I’ve tried everything. You know those big nylon bones that cost like $10 apiece? This dog can take one of those apart in half a day. What’s the next step? Slathering A-1 sauce on a brick?

When this dog doesn’t have something in her mouth to chew on, she’s actively prowling around the property looking for something to sink her teeth into. Most times, she sneaks into the garage and finds something pretty quickly, which is how she got to the slug and snail poison. She actually managed to unzip one of the pockets in my golf bag, which is how she got to the golf balls. I’m surprised she didn’t just chew through it.

I dunno if I can find a family to take care of this dog. I can’t give it to someone knowing that the dog will probably chew up or eat someone’s valuables. If I do anything at all, I think it will involve dropping this beast off at a shelter somewhere.

Or maybe a classified ad:

Dog needs loving family
2 year old mystery mutt. Possibly some labrador in it, but we’re not sure. Eats golf balls and old shoes. Waits until it comes inside to take a shit. Perfectly useless. No fee.

You’re right. Bad owners leads to bad dogs.

I should know, I have a kennel-full…

If you’re really up shit creek, bring the dog to a local no-kill shelter and explain why you’re bringing it there. They will screen families and find one suitable for the little guy.

Sad, all around, really. I look at the time we put into our dogs (mind you, they’re all working dogs) and wonder what they would have turned out like if they didn’t have all that attention. Some breeds are particularily prone to madness if they’re bored.

Belgians and Tollers are among the top nutzoid cases when left to their own devices. Not to mention border collies… and labs…

E.

“Hey, man. What’s in this shit?”
“Mostly Maui Wowie, man. But it’s got some Labrador in it too.”
“Labrador? What’s Labrador?”
“It’s dog shit, man.”

Seriously, though. I tend to echo the sentiments of some of the people here. Even where one dog-school failed, another might work. When I took this dog to a trainer one time, I was worried that the dog might be a little too old to be trained (he was about 5). The trainer looked at me and laughed. He said “hey, I’m 38, and my wife trained me just fine.” There might still be some hope, but it’ll take some patience.

That said, next time your dear mother decides to get a pet, tell her to get a cat. Cats are comparatively trouble-free pets, and they rule.

Oh, and if you’re going to place an ad…

Though it’s not quite as funny, something to the effect of “2 year-old mixed breed dog seeks loving family. This dog has a strong personality, and requires a lot of attention and commitment. Call for more details” might do the trick.

Some people like a challenge.

Zaphod, I have to disagree with you about getting a cat. Cats need lots of loving attention, too, and it sounds like THespos’ mom isn’t about looking after animals very well.
Sorry to hear that the Obedience School didn’t work, THespos. That’s a tough situation you’ve got there. Could you talk to some vets or other animal professionals in your area, and see if they have any suggestions?

Cats need love and attention, yes. However, they don’t need to be walked, housebroken, etc. All they need is food, clean litter, and a lot of petting.

Heh. Some cats need a lot of playtime, or they will play with things you don’t want them too, like Christmas tree ornaments, glasses full of water, curtains… If you can’t deal with that, get a more sedate cat. (Hey, I can busta rhyme yo. Word to ya momz, I came ta drop bombz.)

Yes, indoor cats do need a LOT of playtime. Outdoor cats are entirely different (also a lot more worry, but that’s another story) Most apartment cats, I find, are psychotic. My cats are, for the most part, very laid back. (Don’t rip up furniture, don’t piss on walls or TVs, don’t chew thru cords. At least not anymore. They still wake me up at 5 AM though. grumble)

I hope doggy in the story comes to a happy end. Hope mother dear gets some sense.