You asked me whether I thought it was a good idea to get a new dog. I said no. You’re living alone now and there’s no family of four to help you take care of a dog, play with it and give it affection. There’s just you.
At the time, it was late autumn. I told you that even if you could look past the fact that having to take care of a dog by yourself would be a giant pain in the ass, it was a bad time of year to get a dog, because I knew you wouldn’t go outside when it’s cold to train it.
Surprise, surprise. You got the dog anyway. And, as I predicted, it is starved for affection and attention, and it’s poorly trained. I’m sorry that the dog is a constant pain in the ass for you and your new “empty nest” lifestyle. I’m sorry that it seems to gravitate toward the most expensive and fragile things in the room and that it eats them. I’m sorry that it pisses and shits all over everything. I’m sorry that the dog is too wild and crazy for you to consider hiring one of the neighborhood kids to take care of it while you’re out of town. You wanted the dog, you bought it, it’s your problem.
Will I take the dog to Bide-a-Wee and “give it back” like you asked? No. Not my responsibility.
Will I let you take the dog with you when you visit me? No. The last time you did that, the dog nearly sunk his teeth into one of my Les Pauls.
Yes, I know that the dog is untrainable. That probably has something to do with the fact that you didn’t try to train it in the first 6 months of its life. It also might have something to do with the fact that it spends most of its time either locked in a cage in the basement or running around in the yard within the confines of its invisible fence. Lack of attention and affection can do that to dogs.
And just because I’m not surprised that the dog turned out this way doesn’t mean I’m not pissed that the dog eats anything it can get its jaws around. Let’s take stock of a few notable things the dog has eaten recently:
- The remote control for the TV
- Several pairs of your shoes
- Several golf balls
- An entire box of slug and snail poison (I don’t know how the dog managed to live, much less not get sick.)
- A cell phone charger
- Numerous wires, plastic cups, pens and pencils, plants and plastic flower pots, the plastic cover for the propane grill (You name it, the dog has eaten it).
Everybody’s pissed off that they can’t leave their belongings out in the open in your house, because the dog will eat them. I’m worried about the stuff you’ve agreed to let me store at your place. God forbid that dog gets his jaws around something really valuable - it will be the last thing it ever munches on.
If you can’t take care of the dog, get rid of it. Give it to someone who can pay attention to it. Just do something before it eats any more of my stuff.