I haven’t told my newly wed sister this, but I’m planning to follow this convention.
Her wedding occurred very closely to my purchase of a new house. On top of this, my bridesmaid duties had required me to drop some cash down and there as the cost of lodging/transportion to the wedding itself. If it hadn’t been for the house, none of these expenses would have been an issue. But when the day of the wedding around, I didn’t have a (responsible) penny to spare for an actual gift. I could have bought the couple a cheap little nicknack from their registry and been done with it. But I didn’t want to give them a gift out of sheer obligation. I didn’t want to be a cheapskate, which is my natural tendency. I wanted to give something nice.
So I’ve got a year to make it up to them. I plan to give them something on their first year anniversary. I hope she understands.
It’s very tacky to bill someone for not showing up, but I do have sympathy for the couple.
A job I had for 15 years put me in charge of gathering numbers for our large Christmas party every year. Without fail, we would always have several people who were no shows. I always got my ass reamed after the party when there was a large difference in the numbers.
And it was always the same group of people and they would promise that this year would be different.
It got so bad, we resorted to selling tickets to get in.
Yeah, I like to wait and see them actually get hitched before coughing up the gift. So many engagements don’t make it to the altar. For that matter lots of newlyweds don’t make it to their first anniversary. So waiting is justifiable, IMHO.
Maybe they should overbook, like the airlines do? Then if everyone shows up, the lowest priority guests are offered a free pass to their *next *wedding, and maybe a meal voucher for the Golden Corral down the street.
Would best have been dealt with by the guest cancelling with a call/message explaining the cancellation and expressing a desire to take the newlyweds out for a dinner once they are back from the honeymoon, and the bridezilla recognizing the guest’s dilemma and generosity by accepting the invitation.
Put it another way. Only an asshole would begrudge a friend ninety bucks over an unavoidable cancellation, and only an asshole would not try to mitigate upon cancelling at the last minute. Neither of them come out clean on this one.
Being a no-show doesn’t get you out of giving a gift. As far as I’m concerned, in most circumstances declining to attend or there not being a party to attend doesn’t get you out of giving a gift. Sure, I wouldn’t feel obliged to give a gift to some random coworker who invited the whole office or some acquaintance if I didn’t attend- but that situation has accounted for less than 1% of the wedding invitations I’ve received. But I can’t imagine not giving my cousin a wedding gift because I couldn’t make it to the wedding anymore than I could imagine not buying stuff for my nephew when he moved out even though there was no wedding, no shower and no housewarming. The gifts are based on the event (getting married or setting up your own household) and the relationship, not the party.
You know, I probably wouldn’t have noticed if someone who wasn’t a very close friend or relative had missed my wedding. For all I know, a few people who RSVPed may not have shown up.
And I sure wouldn’t have noticed if someone who did attend hadn’t given us a gift.
If I’d gotten a bill from the newlyweds, I’d send them a check for $80 with a note saying, “Here’s your lousy money. I don’t ever want to see you again. Hope losing my friendship forever was worth it.”
I agree in part, but I wish people would stop thinking about a wedding gift as an exchange for the meal/party, because people seem to get the idea that a wedding gift should have a monetary cost equivalent to the catering.
If someone’s marriage is important enough for you to attend, then they’re important enough for you to give them a gift.
If someone is important enough to you to invite them to your wedding, then they’re important enough for you to buy them dinner (or lunch, or whatever).
How much each person spends on each is based on their own budget, and there’s really no reason to tie them together.
I totally sympathize with the couple (while agreeing that sending the bill is terribly tacky and rude). I like Miss Manners’ suggestion that, when someone fails to attend an event they’ve agreed to, the appropriate response is flowers and a get-well soon card, since the only appropriate reason to cancel at the last minute is a sudden injury or illness.
That was how I felt about the old friend who couldn’t get the night off work for our wedding, but didn’t tell me he couldn’t make it. I certainly didn’t send him a bill, but I would have loved to know in advance so I could invite someone else.
The friend who ended up in the ER that night recovering from complications of chemo? Her, I cut some slack.
Did he actually say he was coming and then not show up? Everyone ought to respond to the invitation one way or the other, but not everyone will. I called everyone who hadn’t responded by a few weeks out to get an affirmative answer.
Sending a bill is a bit tacky, but if you can’t make it, you should send a gift. If you are invited, and decline, you should at least send a gift (for family) or a card (non family).