No time like the present...

Several months ago, before my wife and I split up, we bought tickets to go see a local taping of “Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me,” the NPR news quiz show. When things went down with us, I declined the tickets. I told her I didn’t want to go with her. She told me that the tickets had been bought for us to do this together, and so if I wasn’t going, she wasn’t going. She was going to sell the tickets and split the money with me. I told her that if I decided to go, I’d go on my own.

So I did. I showed up tonight. Not really expecting to see her because, for some idiotic reason, I still have this voice in my head that tells me she means what she says, despite having been proved wrong about that numerous times in the past few months. But, she showed up, of course. With her family in tow, as was originally planned.

Oh, and guess who else she brought? The guy she cheated on me with. So now, not quite a month after I moved out, not only did he get my ticket, but apparently he’s part of the family now.

I told myself during a time of reflection yesterday that even though I was fairly certain I’d already hit rock bottom with that relationship, there are still ways that I could get fucked over. I just didn’t really expect it to be the next day.

I wanted to run over there and scream to her father and brother, “Do you know what these two are fucking doing? Do you?!?” But no, I sucked it up and tried to pay attention to the poor person I’d brought with me, and I tried to laugh and enjoy the show, and I succeeded about 50% of the time. The rest was just lost in disbelief. Our marriage was on a fucking Etch-A-Sketch, and she shook it. Poof, I’m gone! Non-person. Never existed. New season, new actor. The audience will never know the difference.

I was planning to wait until January to save up some money to file for the divorce, but fuck that. I need to know that this is in motion now. I will scrape together the funds from my next paycheck and get this started. I need out.

Why did I ever fucking bother?

Wow. I’m so sorry to hear this. I actually gasped out loud when I got to the part about who she brought with her. I’d say that you definitely don’t need that sort of aggravation in your life anymore. Incidentally, my parents have been working on getting divorced for the last three years. The final straw just this week was when my father announced that he was going on vacation with his girlfriend to my mother’s favorite place in the world. Not only that, but he’s doing it while the rest of us are here struggling to pay the bills, part of which he is responsible for.

Unfortunately, lately, I seem to be realizing that giving people the benefit of the doubt seems to be the wrong thing to do.

P.S. Sorry she had to ruin such a good show. I love Wait, Wait!

Thank you, Always.

I sent her an email last night letting her know I was proceeding with the divorce, and mentioned as an aside that yes, I saw them. She didn’t even acknowledge that in her response. She’s asking me to hold off on filing because she might have some serious medical condition that she’s waiting to get test results on, and she supposedly can’t get on her own company’s medical insurance until next October. She’s always been only on my insurance because it’s better than her company’s.

Here’s the funny thing, though. She’s had symptoms of this ailment for months, and it has been constantly worrying her. We decided to divorce on September 20th. Now, according to her response last night, she doesn’t think she can switch to her insurance now because her company’s open enrollment period is during October. And so my response to her was to wonder how – if this issue was weighing on her mind so much, and we spent the entire month of October separating our lives in every way possible – how could it be that it never once occurred to her to get on her own insurance during that month. She’s claimed that she just didn’t think about it. But everything smells like a lie now.

You need to take care of yourself first. Move forward with the filing.


Oh, and sorry she ruined the show for you. That and the insurance call make her sound awfully manipulative. Consider last night an exercise in working on how to manage your reaction to her behavior. Eventually, you’ll be able to ignore stuff like this.

In the 14 years I’ve known her, I’d never have used that phrase to describe her, but it’s beginning to seem true. The term “malicious apathy” also came to mind this morning.

This is almost certainly bullshit. Divorce counts as a “change of life” event which allows you to enroll in benefits or change existing benefits in much the way getting married, having a child, or the death of a family member does. Just so you know.

A divorce is a “qualifying event” in most insurance schemes, which means she can make a change outside the normal enrollment period. She may, however, be subject to a “pre-existing condition” clause if she’s diagnosed before the switch.

Most companies do allow a divorced spouse to remain on the account for at least a year - and I’m pretty sure she’d be eligible for COBRA if all else failed.

Take care of yourself, do what you need to do. Taking the high road means spending the minute or so to e-mail your HR, find out what the impact on her will be, and forward her the information she needs to make the right plans for her own future.

You’ll only miss the woman you wanted her to be.

I can verify that a divorce counts as a qualifying event to get her onto her own coverage. Even if it didn’t a divorce certianly gives her the right to elect COBRA coverage so she wouldn’t be without coverage anyway. File for the divorce ASAP.

I’ve already confirmed with her. She talked to her boss, and he can get her on their compnay insurance much sooner. So I hope to have her dropped in a couple of weeks.

Also, a clarification from my OP. I went back through some emails and discovered that she’d said a while back that she might actually go to the show if she couldn’t sell the tickets, so I can’t fairly claim that it was a complete shock to me to see her there, I guess. I’m not sure that really lessens the impact of her bringing her “date” with her to meet her family, though.

File now, and get her off your insurance. Unless she’s paying you for it (which I strongly doubt), then that’s money out of your pocket.

You need her out of your life so that you can start healing. Best of luck to you.

No, she isn’t paying me for it, although I was going to change that if she needed to stay on mine for some reason. Apparently, it’s a non issue now.

Fuck her. She’s not your problem anymore, and there is no reason why you should be paying for her fucking health insurance.

I’ve read your other threads but never commented because, frankly, I had nothing positive to say–everything you’ve described make her sound like an immature, selfish, childish bitch who has treated you like a doormat for years. She doesn’t want to be married to you anymore? Fine, but she needs to pay her own way. Or maybe shitheel lover boy can step up.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but honestly, nothing you’ve ever described about her makes her seem like anything but a miserable human being. As hard as it is, I hope you can realize you deserve much better than the scraps of affection she gave you.

Good luck.

I actually don’t disagree with anything you said, KSO. While I don’t think she’s Evil Incarnate, I think she’s lost her mind when it comes to this guy and her sudden need for freedom, and whatever good memories I have from over the years are not worth putting up with the shit I’m going through now.

I’m amazed that anyone’s stuck it out through the threads I’ve started these last few months. I can’t imagine what this looks like to someone not in my shoes. But hey – maybe I’ll actually have grown a spine by the time this is all said and done.

What is looks like is a man who doesn’t take these things lightly, and wouldn’t make this big a decision, or let go a marriage, unless he had to. Not a bad thing, to my mind. But sometimes you just have to see what’s really there.

I hate to see it happen, but I hope it goes well for you.

Thank you. I’ve got nowhere to go but up, right? In some ways, I feel better now knowing for sure that there’s no reason to hold back any longer. I should have known that a long time ago, but I’m a slow learner in some ways.

I have also been reading your posts for a while now, and this is as good of a time as any to wish you well, and to tell you “good riddance” to someone who can treat you in such a callous, unfeeling manner.
Also if (probably more like when) she calls you in a year or so, telling you what a mistake she made (after she catches her new truelove cheating on her with some other skanky piece of ass) remember these threads and just hang up the phone…

Good luck, and try to remember that you deserve to be treated better than she has treated you.


Mostly, it looks like a good man in a bad situation.

Best of luck to you.


Also, remember that you have many people who think you’re hella awesome.

If she is actually living with the other guy, you might use that as a weapon during the divorce proceedings. I’d sure check with my lawyer. You do have a lawyer, don’t you? If not, get one. He / she will make a lot of money and you won’t but the protection you get might well put a lot of money in your pocket over the years to come.