Sounds like my grandfather. A few years ago, before I took off my excess weight, he commented on how I needed to get rid of all my fat. At his brother’s visitation, no less. I commented that there was room in the casket for another. To myself, at least.
You know, when I used to go to my grandmother’s house, she had an entire drawer full of candybars for me and any of my friends who came with me. We could eat 'em till we puked if we wanted to. I say this only to gloat.
Pthbtbtbt! 
I got another one. How about every time she comes around the corner, you do a high Cryptkeeper laugh and say “Tallllllllles from the Crypppppt.” She won’t get it, which just makes it funnier.
neuroman’s lung as a slipper
My Aunt Alice is your grandmother??
Last time Aunt Alice pulled that crap on me (in MY home, not my parent’s home, MINE) I told her to shut the hell up , and go outside and have another cigarette, since her hacking up half her lungs hadn’t kept but 2/3 of the neighbors awake the night before. Her response? “Well, you don’t need to sit there and eat pudding for breakfast.” I thrust a handful of yogurt at her face and said “Yogurt, you bitch, yogurt.” The I packed her stuff, put her in the car and took her to the Holiday Inn.
The only room they had was non-smoking and they wouldn’t let her have it because she REEKED of smoke. And the hospital guest rooms wouldn’t take her either. My uncle (the saint) finally called my cousin to come get her when she decided that she’d just stay in the room with him. I’d had her for three weeks, and I just couldn’t take any more. He’s been married to her for 56 years, and keeps on threatening to put her in a psych hospital and move away. I think he should.
Tell Grandma that food is necessary for life, but old bitches aren’t.
A number of responses come to mind.
“Remind me grandma, is there enough money set aside in your will for me to pay me not to tell you to eat shit?”
“Is your diaper chafing you or something granny?”
“Does it suck having to hild your tits out of the bowl when you sit down to take a dump?”
“I’m going to kill you in your sleep by smothering you. Since you are old people will just think it’s natural causes. Sleep tight you soon-to-be-dead old bitch.”
“Grandpaw molested me.”
“One of your other grandchildren is gay and another is a Satanist. I’m not saying anything else.”
“How would you like a kick in the pussy?”
“I pissed on your dentures last night.”
“Fuck you, you fucking fuck.”
“What was Moses like in the sack?”
“Are old balls MORE wrinkly than young balls?”
“Why do old people smell like that?”
If you want I can call her and say these things. I’ll even pay the charges for calling l/d. I don’t like old people much anyhow.
“I’ll remember that when we are discussing whether or not to terminate your life support.”
“Everyone imagines etiquette to have been invented by a committee composed of Miss Manners, Queen Victoria, and their less-favourite grandmother - not the one who whispered, ‘Come here, I have a little treat for you,’ but the one who said, ‘Cah-n’t that chi-yild p-lease sit still, even for one moment?’” - Miss Manners
Is your granny’s name Tarantula?
I vote for tlw’s response. And I vote that next time, you don’t let her run you out of the kitchen. Stay right there, happily munching (or hell, faking it if you have to) and make HER ass leave.
What, people have the right to be fat but dont have the right to be old, insane, and callous? We cant rip fat people but we can rip the fat persons Gramma for being senile, brash and unthoughtful?
Does that sound like something he`d say?
You know, my grandmothers are always trying to FEED me more! My dad’s mother is always buying us donuts and ice cream and candy.
shaking head
Seriously, what a bitch.
Sneering: “You’re a sad, bitter old woman, aren’t you? God, I’m glad I have some happiness in my life. Not just waiting around until my heart gives out.” Munch, munch, munch.
Daniel
My grandmother was just the opposite. “You look famished! Here, let me fix you a sandwich.”
I loved my grandma.
Here’s part of your problem. Old people absolutely hate people to sleep past whatever time the morning newspaper is delivered. I don’t know, I think it means you’re wasting your life away. Since I’ve turned 40, I find myself getting the disease. The last time my 24-year old stepson visited, he slept until 2 PM. I wanted to scream at him, “Get up, dammit, are you going to sleep all day?! You’re sleeping your life away! Get a job! And while you’re at it, get a hair cut! What all that metal crap in your face? What’s wrong with kids today?”
BTW, he has a job, short hair, and no visible metal facial paraphenaila (he’s in the Coast Guard). Oh, god, I’m getting old.
Oh, and your grandmother’s a bitch. She was probably a bitch when she was young, and now she’s an old bitch.
What is it with parents/grandparents and their children’s weight? The sort of comment in the OP is just plain spiteful. She had to know that was tactless and would hurt your feelings.
I have a problem similar to **finette[B/]'s. Last year I lost 15-20 pounds. I was always really thin in high school, and had gained the weight in college because I was depressed and in an abusive relationship. When I ended it, I was depressed as hell for a while and pretty much stopped eating for a month. Not a healthy way to lose weight, but I kept it off with exercise and better eating habits. It’s now been a year and a half, and the weight hasn’t come back.
I mentioned to my mother that I needed to get some professional clothes for my new job–the college uniform of t-shirt and jeans wasn’t going to cut it. I simply needed something to wear to work that looked professional and fit me. My mother keeps telling me that I don’t need to buy too many new clothes because when I start teaching, I won’t have time to work out and I’ll gain the weight back.
I know she means well, but those comments piss me off. It’s like she secretly wants me to gain weight.
“Don’t worry, Grandma; I plan on spending my inheritance on Weight Watchers. When I start is up to you.”
GMRyujin, here’s another slipper for you.
Thanks, lieu. Now, does anyone have any recommendations on the best way to get diet coke off the monitor?
Don’t thank me. That was a zen moment.
Scream. As loud as you can.
She’ll probably collapse.
A far as what to scream, plenty of great vocabulary words in this thread.
I’m changing my vote; now I’m voting for jr8’s response.