No, you are not going to have a heart attack on my table.

So, my mother made an online purchase using my business credit card from a local company. The distributor noticed “Massage by the Mango”, and called wanting to make an appointment for an outcall massage for his wife. “She’s been trying to find a good masseuse for two years,” he said. That should have set up a little red flag in my mind, but I was too excited, this is my first real, professional massage, but I didn’t tell him that. I happily complied, making a mental note to get into my business book so I can photocopy an intake form for the medical history. Turns out I am unable to get there Friday, so I called to reschedule, and while I was at it, I made some inquiries about her health history. Turns out she has very high blood pressure. Controlled with medication, but still higher than I would feel comfortable with without a doctor’s OK. I asked her if she could get a note from her doctor, and she said, “No, I’ll just skip it.”

OK, look lady. You haven’t been able to find a good masseuse for two years in a town where you can’t throw a rock without hitting a half-dozen massage establishments. You know why? Because a good masseuse would not work on somebody with blood pressure as high as yours without obtaining a note from your physician saying it was OK. Sure, massage has the long-term effect of lowerin blood pressure but early on in the massage there can be an initial spike as blood circulation increases, but before the parasympathetic nervous system gets the message to the muscles in your arterial walls which can be very dangerous. So, no, a responsible massage therapist is not going to work on you without clearing it with your physician first.

Maybe if you keep looking, you will find a therapist who will work on you without clearing it with your doc first. Maybe you will find some irresponsible twat who cares more about money than she does about her clients’ health. God help you when that day comes. I haven’t met you, but over the phone, you sound quite elderly, and your circulatory system may not be able to handle the increase in blood flow that is one of the major effects of massage.

If you want to die on a massage table, die on someone else’s massage table. I don’t need the guilt.

The Asbestos Mango’s Rub Shack
By appointment only.

Half hour - $45
Full hour - $75
Massaged to death - priceless.

neuroman, expect to do at least a century in Purgatory for that one.

So I guess a heart attack would not be one of those ‘happy endings’.

Can I have a heart attack on your table?



Sounds like a good way to go to me.

For you maybe, but not for her.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to have to hide a body with no advance notice? Not to mention disposing of identification so that if (when) the body is found it can’t be traced to you, coming up with a reasonable cover story (did she never arrive for her appointment, or did she leave in perfect health) and making sure any evidence that might exist will support it?

Just remember these words of wisdom: Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The Asbestos Mango, kidding aside (and I have to admit that I love kidding and there’s plenty of room for it here), it is a surprising thing to find evidence of people who will decline personal profit for the sake of a stranger’s well-being. I may well decide to get out of bed again tomorrow. But your kindness to even junior posters is well-documented (thanks). When I am old, decrepit and ready to die, if your state has liberal euthanasia laws, may I smoke a lot to raise my blood pressure and then make an appointment?

You guys are truly warped.

Candid Gamera and King of Soup, come on over to this thread, we’ll talk

Mango, what are your standards about massages during pregnancy? When I was expecting TeasDottir, my husband and I went to a resort for a day and I was looking forward to getting a massage, but the spa refused to give me one. I was 20 weeks along, healthy, no problems, no back pain or anything, just pregnant. I offered to have my midwife fax a note saying that it was okay (she’s a massage therapist too and offered massages with every visit) but they said absolutely not.

Seemed to me that they’d clean up – a lot of women want to pamper themselves during their pregnancies, and massage makes sense during a time when new aches pop up on a regular basis. But they had no interest.

What would you need to give a massage to a pregnant woman with a clear conscience?

Twenty weeks and they refused to massage you, even with a note from the midwife? That’s very strange. They were probably just trying to avoid liability issues- say you had a miscarriage when you got home, you could potentially sue the resort claiming negligence.

Prenatal massage is actually becoming big business. The general rule of thumb is that most therapists will not massage turing the first trimester, more because of liability issues than actual danger to the mother and baby. Once you’re into the second trimester gentle massage (no deep tissue work) is believed to be very beneficial for the expectant mother.

If there were any health issues, such as gestational diabetes, I would want a note from the doctor or midwife, but for a healthy mother to be, I wouldn’t hesitate to massage.