That seems to be your best bet. Talk to her parents and let them know what she’s doing, and can they please talk to her? Having an intermediary can help keep things from getting truly ugly.
Robin
I really feel like crying after reading this - I’ve been in Stalker Girl’s shoes (well, not stalking, but feeling rejected).
Right now, my bet is that she feels alone, and that no one wants to be her friend, especially with what you’ve described about her disabilities. And about the sisters thing - that is probably hurting her the most. The way you are talking about your ‘sisters’, it seems to me that she’s probably seen the closeness between you and the two of them often, and wants that.
However, it appears you never gave her the chance. She wants to be your ‘sister’, but is going about it the wrong way. It would have been better to explain to her that wasn’t the best way to go about it - ‘sisters’ are gained through being with them through thick and thin. But maybe she wasn’t there for the events described in the OP. I know it hurts me when people think less of me as a friend just because I was never there in their true crisis’. How can you blame her for that?
This all seems so ironic to me, having Jurhael replying in this thread - these feelings sprouted so much in me back in the day when I was active in the Final Fantasy fandom. And it is sad that I’ve basically given up on trying to have good friends all because of fucking elitism that comes up when people refuse to accept people into their circle of friends because they weren’t around at the best and worst of times - there will continue to be bad and good times, so deal with it, and stop being such a bitch.
Okay, that last paragraph wasn’t really meant for anyone in this thread, either The 27th Evil or Jurhael, so I should save it for a new Pit thread or something. I do realize where The 27th Evil is coming from, it’s just that I’ve been having the same issues that the Stalker Girl has had for so long. Cherish the memories you have with your old friends, but don’t ignore new ones just because they haven’t been around for as long.
Whoa…why did my name get dropped here, Kushiel?
Just wondering, because that threw me off.
I’ve always been a loner, so my friends are few and far between. I’m content with that.
27th, I can tell from your posts that you’re angry and frustrated with Charmed Freak. And I fully understand why. But, I think you need to work out some of that frustration before you can do what needs to be done.
I get the impression that you’d like to go off on her really good. And that might seem like it would make you feel better, but in the long run, it might not. And it probably wouldn’t get her to back off, either: it would probably inspire her to call you even more often, in an attempt to “work this out”. And, it might hurt her to the point where she’ll feel that she has to take revenge.
You’ve also mentioned that you have additional pressures, besides the situation with CF. Would it be feasible to postpone talking to CF’s mom until after you’ve discussed whatever it is you need to discuss with your parents (the thing that’s gonna “shake them up a little”)? “One crisis at a time”, I like to say. And it’s probably going to be difficult for you to be cold-blooded about this problem while you’ve still got your own issue hanging over you.
In any event, you need to keep firmly in mind that this is not a “battle” that you’re going to “win”. (Not putting any words in your mouth; just noting that this is a common pattern.) The only way you can get her to leave you alone is to fix it so that she gets no satisfaction from pursuing you.
I’m not sure anyone’s gone over this point by point, so I’ll do this now.
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You have two IMs. Re-route everyone else you know to one of them, telling them the other one is now inactive. CF can still try to reach you on that one, but you won’t know because you won’t be using it.
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Get a second cell phone, but keep the old one active. Give the new number to everyone except CF. She can call, and leave voice and text messages, but you won’t know because you won’t be using that phone.
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Tell anyone and everyone (roommate[s], SO, fellow committee members, dorm advisor, whoever) that you have a stalker, and that under no circumstances are they to give out any info about you, or relay any messages.
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After your talk with her mom, don’t respond to her in any way. Gavin deBecker says, “If you tell someone fifty-six times that you don’t want to talk to them, you are talking to them. If you take the fifty-seventh call, that just tells them that it takes fifty-seven calls to reach you.”
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And pass this on to Cheer Bear and Funkster. You need to present a united front, or she’ll deflect her attentions towards one or both of them. Incidentally, are you her primary focus, or is she doing this to all three of you?
That’s just cold, mate, cold.
Reach out a loving hand to the marginalised, touch Kushiel, reach out and touch.
Don’t be cold.
She’s getting all of us- Cheer Bear the worst, because she actually still lives with her parents.
And I have a day after the discussion with my parents, so that might work better. After my mother went off on her while I was at work last summer, she did just that- I had three e-mails from her within an hour.
It’s sad, really.
I agree that you should tell her that you no longer wish to be friends. Wait until the time is right if you’re dealing with your own issues now, but you should tell her.
I know you don’t want to hurt her, but the fact is that you’re hurting her now by avoiding her. I’ve been on both sides of friendships that have ended. It hurts a lot to hear that someone you consider a friend doesn’t consider you one anymore. But it hurts a lot more to have the “break up” process drag out over several week.
You don’t have to be cruel about it and list a million reasons why she’s not worthy of your friendship. If she asks why or says “it’s because of my disability,” just respond that you’ve grown in different directions, and you wish her well, but you don’t consider yourselves friends any more.
Just random - I spent a good amount of time a few years ago trying to make friends in the FF fandom and admiring people active in the fandom like you. I know that sounds stalkerish, but it isn’t as if I went look for addresses or emailed obsessively or anything. I’m not saying you are a part of the elitism of that fandom that reminded me of the OP, but when you watch someone from afar, you really don’t know them, and that elitism seems ever more apparent.
I’ve had run-ins where people have advertised a mailing list on another mailing list, and asked to join and been told ‘sorry hon, it is only for me and my friends’ so my bitterness abounds.
I don’t find many people in fandoms on boards like the SDMB, so I’m pretty amazed when I do see one. Of course, it makes me look stupid when I try to bring fandom into it.
And I’ve been pretty out of line in this thread - sorry about that. I just get talking when I find a topic I care about.
27th you keep hinting at something else you have to deal with and tell your parents - could this be the real reason for your OP?
Did you want someone to ask you about it?
Also - just because the three of you are very close, doesn’t mean you can’t let in new friends. Your reasons for not liking her don’t seem to have anyting to do with her not having a long history with you.
Ahhh, the joys of dealing with someone who desperately wants to be your friend but has absolutely no concept of boundaries or social conventions. It’s even harder when you genuinely like (but are genuinely annoyed and frustrated by) the person in question.
My freshman year, I made a friend like that in the dorm. She was and is a terribly nice person with really good intentions. She just had very, very little concept of boundaries and the idea that other people had different priorities from her. The first Valentine’s Day that Dr.J and I were dating, she turned up in my room wanting help with her chemistry homework, and stayed, and stayed, and stayed, through my changing clothes, explaining that he was on his way over, through me leaving the room to go check him in, and would have probably stayed all freakin’ night if we hadn’t just point-blank told her that we wanted to exchange gifts now, and would prefer to do it without an audience. It just honestly never occured to her that we’d rather spend Valentine’s Day alone and making out than studying chemistry with her. She never knew when to leave, and she never knew when to shut up (when I’m thoroughly sick of hearing about your stupid cat already, you know it’s pretty damned bad), and she had an indifference to subtlety that astounded most of the men we knew.
If my roommate said I wasn’t in the room, she came in and looked around to make sure I wasn’t hiding from her. Sometimes she’d sit there and wait for me, sometimes she’d go to my buddy’s room to see if I was there. If I went home for the weekend and planned to be back around six or so, she’d call at 5:15, and 5:30, and 5:45, and 5:55, and 6, and 6:10, until I got in. She’d do this even if she’d been promised repeatedly that I would call her when I got in. I’d walk into the room, and my roommate would insist that I return the calls right now, OR ELSE.
It got to the point where I’d have to hide from her to get some of my work done. In order to get one particular paper written, I had to go hole up in someone else’s dorm room. I felt bad about avoiding her, but she never took “No” or “Shut up” or “Go away, I’m trying to get some work done” seriously unless the windows rattled when you said it. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by yelling at her, because she really is a sweet person and I enjoy her company most of the time. Besides, saying things that upset her always made me feel like I’d been kicking a puppy.
Time, counseling, and getting more stuff in her life to focus on have helped her immensely. A lot of her problem, aside from the lack of social skills, was paranoia. She was always afraid that people were gossiping about her, or actively avoiding her. That’s why she couldn’t just accept that I wasn’t hiding behind the door to avoid her, she always had to check that I actually wasn’t there. That’s why she had to keep calling, and calling, and calling, to reassure herself that I wasn’t just not calling her because I didn’t want to talk to her. A lot of people had treated her very badly growing up, and most other people had been indifferent. When somebody was actually nice to her, she was simultaneously desperately grateful and suspicious that we were fucking with her. The combination made her want to be with us all the time, partly because it felt so good to be treated like a worthwhile human being and partly to reassure herself that we weren’t messing with her. Of course, that kind of intensity tended to drive people away, and that just intensified the paranoia and subsequent reactions. It’s taken a lot of work on her part, but she’s gotten past most of that now, and she’s doing much, much better.
There’s hope for the “stalker” in the OP, but it’s going to be a long, rough road for her.
Of course, that paranoia becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
She becomes so annoying that people ARE avoiding her. They ARE gossiping behind her back (because how can you NOT say “She may be nice, but she doesn’t know when to leave” to your friends).
And, because she checks constantly, she is going to catch you. You really are in the room and won’t take her phone call, because she sees you leave your room right after she called. She hears you say she is annoying, because she “happens” to meet you after class just in time to overhear it.