I am having a few issues with my younger sister (I’m nearly 40, and she’s 35). She is a great person, but she has a few quirks that I’m finding hard to take these days. She talks a lot - she dominates any conversation going on around her, whether she knows anything about the subjects or not. She doesn’t listen at all - she spends her time while you’re talking thinking about what she wants to say next and waiting for you to take a breath so she can take over the conversation again.
The one that’s really getting to me, though, is that she says untrue things about people. She doesn’t lie, per se, but she gets ideas in her head (which aren’t particularly accurate because she wasn’t listening) and represents them as facts that may or not be true. Usually they are small items, like saying somebody loves some kind of food when in fact they hate it. When she says untrue things about me, I tend to defend myself and tell her that whatever isn’t true, but it feels petty to me to be making any kind of deal about these things, but I’m also not comfortable just leaving these untruths unchallenged. Oh yeah, she’s defensive and argumentative as well, so when I challenge her misperceptions, the argument is on.
I don’t know what to do about this combination of mildly unpleasant traits. I know I can’t change her, but I can change how I react to her, but I’m really not sure what would be effective. She is a good person, but self-centered, and I come away from interactions with her feeling, I don’t know - insignificant or something. Like my personal individuality was completely overlooked. Has anybody had any luck dealing with a self-centered personality like this? How do you describe the vague unpleasantness that you feel when dealing with someone like this? Why is this bugging me so much?
You could write her a letter, explaining to her how her behavior makes you feel. Keep it all about what your feelings are, and not blaming.
You could stage an intervention, whereupon several family members/friends confront her about her behavior, again explaining how it makes them feel, and encouraging her to do something about it.
You could, if currently receiving therapy, invite your sister to a session with you, having your counselor mediate.
You could just talk to her yourself. Invite her over alone with you, keep the lights dim and the atmosphere relaxing, and lovingly but firmly discuss with her what specifically bothers you and what your expectations from her are. Explain to her that you do love her and you do wish to have a strong, close relationship, but that you don’t feel you can do that with the current situation. Enlist her help in thinking of things that you two can do together to resolve it. Praise her good qualities, there has to be something. Don’t say anything she could use to justify becoming upset and screaming or walking out. Have her leave with good feelings about herself, you, and the situation between you. If you don’t feel that you can do this with her successfully, you might be surprised at the seemingly insurmountable issues that a good talk between people who genuinely love each other can resolve.
Good luck. Refocusing someone who has become narcissitic and self-centered is probably incredibly difficult, once they have slid into it to a certain degree.
“Mildly unpleasant”? Yikes – I’d call that an understatement.
I’ve got nothing to add to trublmakr’s suggestions. As you say, there’s nothing you can to do change her behavior, only your own – and maybe it’s as simple as spending less time with her. If she asks you why, you cn tell her.
I suppose you could “dope” her and demand cites. I know I have developed opinions based on inaccurate info or assumptions (haven’t we all?) and if someone calls you on it, or offers evidence to the contrary, it can change your opinon. There’s nothing stopping you from defending your opinions based on your knowledge of a given subject. Sometimes it’s uncomfortable, but maybe she behaves that way because she hasn’t been challenged forcefully enough.
When she says so-and-so doesn’t eat broccoli, get so-and-so on the phone and ask them. Sometimes it takes a harder push to shake things out onto the table.
Or you could just say, “why bother?” and concentrate on her good points, which obviously she has. I guess it depends on how confrontational you’re feeling on a given day.
How often do you see her? Does she live nearby, thus making it difficult to minimize the time you spend with her? Would you miss her if you spent less time together? Would *she * notice? I guess what I’m getting at is that since you know she’s not likely to change, you get to decide if the aggravation outweighs the benefit of dealing with her. I’m not saying write her out of your life or anything, blood is blood and all that, but just cause you love her doesn’t mean you have to *like * her.
If curtailing your interaction isn’t an option, I strongly stand behind Kalhouns first suggestion. She sounds very manipulative and it’s in your best interest to become much less malleable. Stand by what you know to be true, but try to make it lighthearted as possible.
In your very best Shirly Feeney voice…
" Pickled pig’s feet? I don’t like those, you silly goose! Whatever gave you that idea? "
"Hmmmm, I could be wrong, but I’m fairly certain that Grace Foster is *not * running away with the milkman "
“Aw, c’mon sis’ let’s not fight about it; I’m just sayin…”
Good suggestions, all. Thanks. I guess this doesn’t seem like too big a deal to us, because she’s been like this since childhood, and she does have many great characteristics.
I suppose part of that is figuring out what my expectations from her actually are. I guess I can ask her to do anything I want - and understand that she can then choose to listen or ignore me.
It’s bugging you because it’s annoying. If she doesn’t care about what you have to say, it’s hard to have any kind of relationship.
Normally, I am very much in favor of confronting situations like this, and working them out–or, if they can’t be worked out, letting the relationship dwindle or die. However, she’s your sister. Also, this isn’t just a minor annoyance; it’s a deep-seated personality flaw.
I’ve tried to fight a similar battle. My dad and my three sisters are rage-aholics. When I tried to discuss the issue without anger, I got screamed at. I am pretty sure the response you will get is for her to refuse to listen and then go off about how much you are hurting her for saying such a thing. People rarely change, and rarely want to face the possibility that there’s something seriously wrong with them.
So, I say, learn to ignore it. Just decide it’s not going to bother you when she does that. Hell, learn to tune her out if it helps.
I can do that. I have been doing a lot of work on personal growth in the last couple of years, and one of my areas that I’m working on is assertiveness. It is my inclination to not be confrontational, so I want to be sure that if I don’t confront her, it’s for the right reasons, not because I’m uncomfortable confronting her.
You could be doing her a big favor if you help her develop more mature communication skills. She may not realize she’s doing it. Also, constant talking can be a defense mechanism to keep control of the conversation, such as to keep it from going into painful territory.
I’d say start by getting a sense of whether she knows it is a problem, and doesn’t care, or whether she doesn’t realize it. A little denial and defensiveness is to be expected, but is she willing to get past it?
Listening skills can be learned and can be a real asset in many careers. If you can get her to recognize the problem, there are concrete things she can do to build the skills.
Yep, I’ve had a mother exactly like that for… jeez, as long as I can remember.
You know the part you say about your personal indviduality being completely overlooked? That’s exactly how I feel. And when it’s your own mother, that’s a tough feeling.
Anyway, let me know if you figure it out because I still haven’t found an effective way to deal.
I’ll just add one more possibility…she may be doing this because she’s insecure and it’s the only way she knows how to mask that insecurity…by coming on like gangbusters.
My sis-in-law does that, and some things she says over and over.
Like “Purl dyes her hair” No. I got rinse once when I was in highschool, and it faded out in a month. When I get angry at her, she says “A rinse is dying your hair”. But refuses to admit that dying your hair once does not mean you dye your hair. The latter is in the present tense, which is false.
She also says I got a tattoo, when it was a henna “tattoo” which also washed out and I never did again. So then whoever she tells will ask me where it is and can they see it. No, I never got a real tattoo. And then they’ll forget who told them and say to me “Well, a henna tattoo is not a real tattoo so you shouldn’t pretend it is.” Grrrr…
I say this because I have tendencies to be the person you are talking about. I used to be really bad, but my wife got fed up and started giving me the elbow to the ribs, or the kick to the shins, (unnoticed by others). And when I later asked why the reply would be “Because you were being a jerk”. Not a lot of ambiguity there. I still do it to a degree I suppose, and still get reminded from time to time.
I have learned it is unacceptable, but don’t realize I am doing it. A reminder from the other half gets me back in line. It has been over twenty years now, and I can tell you I have a lot more friends, and have done better professionally because of her 'reminders"
I do not advocate physical abuse, but making the person aware of the issue is a start. I think the suggestions of many of the other posters on how to bring the issue to light with as little confrontation as possible have been excellent.
Well I have to admit I have some of the same traits / habits as your sister, and honestly, if anyone has pointed them out to me in the past, it wouldn’t have helped.
What HAS helped is maturity and becoming more happy with myself and my life, as well as a few counselling sessions.
As Kalhoun suggested, it really seems to stem from insecurity and unhappiness, at least in my case.
I don’t know if there is anything you can do, except as you stated in the OP, change how you REACT. You KNOW what to expect from your dealings with her, so in your shoes I would spend my energy on acknowledging your own feelings and defusing them.
If you really feel that it would be beneficial to bring it up, perhaps next time you could be pro-active by saying “Sis, I feel like you weren’t really listening when I was talking about my weekend, and that seems to happen a lot. It really hurts my feelings because I feel like you don’t care about my life, you just want an audience for yours.” You could gently and nicely “call her” on it each time she does it, but be prepared for defensiveness, denial and anger.
Having a Mom who is like that, and falling into sway with other women like that (hmmm, what do I have to learn here?), and not being of a confrontational nature, I’ve finally found that the gumption to say: “You know, I love you, but it really does bother me when you do this…(insert issue) I don’t like it.” goes a long way in opening up some talk.
It avoids the You Are this or thataway definitive, which causes defensiveness, and ensuing argument. By phrasing it in a "this affects me " manner, they react to your emotions, and not accusations, much less threatening. This type of personality is pretty insecure, hence the masking of telling untruth about others in order to bolster their fortress. I’ve found that being honest and saying “You know, this is how you affect me…” is amazing in simple effect. Shit, wish I knew that as a teen, much pain avoided to all parties involved.
Yep, and work on changing your reaction to it if all doesn’t go well. I know from other threads here that you have an interest in meditation, featherlou. There are some techniques that focus on compassion; those have helped me a great deal in being able to release that sort of tension and gain perspective.
Diggin’ in the dirt and planting always helps, too!
Put me down for another doper with a mother exactly like that. I think I see a trend here.
It was tough dealing with mom when I was younger, and not so sure of myself. “you’ll grow out of the rebellious phase” she’d tell me, and I sometimes I wanted to believe her. She was wrong, I wasn’t going through any rebellious phase, she was the liar all along.
It was only in the last few years that I have come to grips with this, and exchanged notes with my father, with whom I’ve become much closer. My father being somewhat better “doper” material, I suppose.
I’ve been trying slowly, to explain to mom in painstaking detail what she is doing, and how it hurts the rest of the family. I use cites, I use reasoning, I try to be as non-confrontational as possible, in otherwise, the essence of a good SDMB thread.
Happily, I think she is slowly coming around. Now I can at least go out to dinner with mom and have a semi-pleasant three way conversation, without ever having to turn around to her and say, in a furious deadpan, “No, that’s not true, mom, you’re lying”.
I’m glad I sat down with her and spent the effort, because it was getting to a point where I and my sister simply could not stand to talk to her and wouldn’t for months on end. My sister still can’t stand her, but we’re making progress.
It’s important to use statements that include “When you ____, I feel ____.” And no, “When you act like an asshole, I feel like kicking your ass” doesn’t work.
Are you sure? Cause that’s kinda what I’d like to say. That, along with “Shut upShutUpSHUT UP!!!” (No Morocco.)
Agh, this is complicated. I think some of you have hit the nail on the head - I think at least part of this is coming from her own insecurities and her need to control and manipulate to make herself feel better. I also don’t think she has any intention of making other people feel bad; she truly isn’t a bad person. Just a clueless one. Maybe that’s my job as an older sister; giving her a clue, even if she doesn’t want one and won’t like it.
