I have no doubt this is true…if featherlou could get her sister to admit she has a problem. But, given how deeply ingrained her sister’s self-centeredness is, and how is pervades so many aspects of her personality, her sister probably 1) won’t see it, and 2) will be extremely angry at being told that practically everything she does hurts featherlou’s feelings. I’m guessing that pointing this stuff out to Sis is 99% likely to end in tears.
Of course, it’s all about weighing the options. If you just can’t live with yourself unless you try to talk to Sis about this problem, go for it. But expect some serious backlash. Is it worth risking that? Only you can say.
Something else to think about: in some families, when one family member criticizes another, the rest circle the wagons to defend the one being “picked on.” You might tick off more than just your sister. Factor that in.
This behaviour is such a strong defense mechanism/habit that it may be impossible for your sister to recognize and accept.
Has she ever indicated to you that she wishes she had more friends, or that she wishes you and she had a closer relatonship, or that she can’t figure out why she puts people off? Anything like that might open the door to a discussion.
Your bringing it up “out of the blue” will really catch her off guard and amplify (magnify? - I don’t know it’s 4 in the morning here) her reaction.
Would you consider distancing yourself from her for a short time, and writing her a letter explaining why? “Dear Sis, I love you and you are a great person, however I am having a hard time dealing with some of your behaviour. I leave our conversations feeling invisible and unimportant to you, and I am having a hard time dealing with that. So for now, as much as I will miss you, I would like to have some time apart so we can both think about how we interact and how what we say impacts the other.”
I find with letters I can really think about what I want to say, and it also gives the other person a chance to re-read it as they cool off, rather than having a conversation that gets heated and most of it is remembered incorrectly.
Does your sister feel inferior to you? Are you more successful in her eyes? Does she feel she has to impress you and at the same time beat you down?
What is YOUR part in these conversations? Do you show her your vulnerability and insecurities? Just curious…
I worked with someone like that. He would make the most outrageous statements, and could not stand to be called wrong. If he was caught in a bold-faced lie, he would say “Well, someone told me that.” “Who?” “I don’t remember.”
People only change when they want to change. If you point out your sister’s problem, her ego might convinced her that it’s actually YOUR problem.
She sounds pretty narcissistic. Having been raised by one (we should start a club!), I can tell you that they don’t change easily. First of all, they don’t want to change–they lack the empathy to see that they are hurting others, and are too insecure to admit that they need to change, and furthermore are too frightened to try it. Your only hope IMHO is to try to understand her and learn what to expect.
Not all narcissists fit the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but that might be a place to start understanding her:
I have a sister-in-law who’s like this. She basically jumps to conclusions in the worst possible way and magnifies it. If you start saying “So at work the other day…” she has, honest-to-god, jumped in and said “Oh, is work bad for you?” and you just know if you don’t quash that idea immediately, she’ll be telling stories later about all the problems you’re having at work. She’s called us before with tales of how one of the sisters is just insulted that you didn’t invite her to a party that this particular sister was invited to, but later on the other SIL looks at you like you’re on crack when you try to smooth over the “problem” and insists quite honestly that she didn’t even think twice about it.
She’d be a really cool SIL if she didn’t do this. I think she feels insecure because she’s not as mainstream and “professional” as some of her sisters; she’s kind of bohemian and involved in the art scene, which I think is really cool, but she can’t seem to see the merit no matter what. I just try to stamp out any misconceptions before they start, and fortunately her family members have caught on to her tendencies and tend to say “Well, you know how _____ is” after a “tall tale” is revealed, plus her stories are taken with a grain of salt.
featherlou, brace yourself. The lies and distortions may get worse. They have for my sister. We used to argue over the facts. When she was proven wrong, she just clammed up. Then later she forgot that she had ever been wrong. Then we argued over how she would never admit that she had been wrong. It just got worse.
The times that made me the angriest was when she was the “authority” on my life and my friends lives – and she had lived hundreds of miles away at that time.
She was always the hero of her own stories. Or she had some links to someone who had secret government information. Or she made outrageous claims about other family members to people who would have known better.
Any confrontation about her confusion ended in tears and her need for a hug.
She has the lowest self-esteem of anyone I’ve ever seen. It’s so low that she doesn’t know what real self-esteem is. I’ve been too close to her to see how mentally ill she is because her illness is different from mine.
Her only consolation in life is physical illness because that gets her attention from someone. So she is sick all of the time. It is heartbreaking. She is just killing herself. (We are both in our 60’s.)
I don’t think there is anything that I can do. I’ve resolved to love her back. We live far enough away that we don’t see each other often, but we talk on the phone. I just go along with her on the little things and support her emotionally as best I can. I’d rather love her than be right.
Good points. I don’t think she has expressed any ideas like that. I don’t think she realizes how annoying she can be at times.
I would certainly consider it. It might be a good way to go, with someone who has a tendency to not listen and misremember.
More good points. I don’t think she feels inferior to me, but I’m pretty sure that I’m fairly hard to get a reaction out of - she might feel like she needs to provoke me just to make sure that I care.
It wouldn’t surprise me too much if the way I’m relating to her now is actually making the situation worse. It seems like that is how families tend to interact.
You pretty much described my mother to a “T”. It’s very hard to have a conversation with her because 1) she assumes you have all the background knowledge that she does about the gossip she is feeding you, and 2) everything that is happening to her is so extremely important that I am supposed to remember all of the details for when she calls me to tell me how a specific meeting or trip went. (To tell the truth, unless she sends me an e-mail with her itinerary and contact numbers, I don’t know where she is from one day to the next, nor do I care. I’ve lived away from her for more than 25 years now, and we both have our own lives.)
Any conversation you have with her (IRL or on the phone) ends up with a story about what’s she’s done in a similar situation, or her interpretation of what happened.
She suffers from anxiety and depression, and is a recovering alcoholic. She has been to numerous therapy programs, and she is aware that she tends to turn conversations to herself. There was a very short time (4-6 months?) when she seemed to want to pay attention to other points of view, but she always had to explain at some point in the conversation that she was doing so because her therapist told her to. (which kind of negates the whole point…) Her fellow therapy group members even gave her the nickname of “chatty Patty”, which they used as a shortcut to point out that she was trying to turn the conversation back to herself.
She also fails to understand that people change with time. As an example, when I was young, I could not stand peas, and could not eat them because their texture made me throw up. I now like peas, but she doesn’t seem to understand that. When we visit, she generally avoids serving peas, but if she has to for some reason, she always has apologize for it, even though I have eaten them numerous times in her presence.
My solution: I ignore at least 75% of anything she says to me. If the information is really important and relevant to me (like if she announced that she had decided to move to the same state I live in!), I will remember it and be able to use it later. Otherwise, I forget it the minute I stop talking to her. Since she’s done that to me for the last 30 years, I don’t think I’m being particularly rude.