We’re doing that at our wedding, actually (and it’s not because we want ‘more wedding than we can afford’). The main reason is that my husband doesn’t want to pay for others drinking–he doesn’t mind if others drink, its just paying for it that bothers him.
An open bar is a bit of a foreign concept where we’re having the ceremony anyways.
This is one of the biggest reasons I can’t imagine ever having a huge wedding. It feels like an icky whoring of an intensely private moment.
That depends. Do I actually know and love these people? Are we genuinely a part of each other’s lives? Am I being invited to witness their vows and share in their joy because I’m one of the people who has and will continue to love and support them like real family and friends do? Or am I there because they’ve decided to show off their awesome one-of-a-kind love (which should be clearly evident to anyone who *truly * appreciates a superior centerpiece) to 500 of their parent’s closest business associates?
Talk about coincidence - I just got an invitation to a wedding yesterday:
From my cousin’s son - who I have seen a grand total of once in my life and that was 10 years ago.
They are from Illinois, but getting married in Hawaii.
Apparently, for those who might not want to shell out the bucks to go see the wedding in Hawaii, they can attend a reception at the local VFW Hall a month later and bring gifts.
Other than a bold attempt to get money or a gift, can anyone explain why I would be on the invitation list for this wedding? Needless to say, I will not be booking flight to Hawaii, nor a flight to Illinois, nor will I be writing check, nor will I be sending a gift from Target.
(hauls her German Lutheran ass into the bushes)
I find funerals fascinating.
…is that an ass in the bushes?
Yup!
It’s unfair to pin this all on the bride. As Jayn_Newell points out, sometimes it’s something the groom wants; sometimes it’s a joint decision. And in some parts of the US, a cash bar is the expected and normal thing. That’s not the case in my neck of the woods, but I’m not the arbiter of the entire nation’s cultural quirks. I suspect that in many cases it has less to do with tightwaddedness and more to do with “that’s just the way it’s done around here.”
Since I just went through the whole wedding experience myself, I can safely say that wedding guests often bring their own share of annoyances to wedding planning.
Number one is not RSVPing. I think we had nearly half our guest list forget to respond by the deadline, and we gave them over a month. For the love of all that is holy, please send back your RSVP in a timely manner. Don’t make the bride and groom have to track your ass down during an already stressful time in their lives. All you have to do is write your name and seal an envelope; it shouldn’t be too difficult.
Secondly, the names on the invitation envelope will make it very clear who is invited. Please don’t write in your 4 children, your best friend and your great aunt Sally. The bride and groom are not there to feed your entire extended family and circle of friends.
If I had to do it again I would have eloped simply because the RSVP process was so annoying.
I don’t necessarily disagree with you that brides feel they’re under a lot of pressure - but personally I think this pressure is borne of certain priorities being massively out of whack.
Just to illustrate - my grandparents married in 1940 in a very small church ceremony with immediate family present. I believe this was followed by a lunch somewhere. Not counting the ring, I think the whole thing cost about thirty-five bucks or so. Pap was a steelworker and Grandma was a nurse - this was the wedding they could afford. Their marriage lasted 49 years until Pap died - my grandma still lives in the house they built together.
My mom and dad were married in 1967 - my mom was a cashier at the time and my dad was a steelworker and an Army reservist. This wedding was slightly more elaborate, particularly since my mom’s family is pretty large. It was a wedding Mass followed by a reception in a church hall - catering was family potluck and a purchased cake. I doubt this affair cost more than a few hundred bucks. Mom and Dad are still together - we’re joining them in Florida in a few days for a family vacation.
A few years ago, my wife and I attended a wedding for friends of ours - it had to cost $20,000. They had been living together beforehand, so the ceremony wasn’t marking much of a change in their lives compared to my grandparents or my parents. And they were divorced within three years.
Everyone knows stories like this - and yet some people still concentrate on the wedding as if it were the most important thing in the world. Silly, really - you can set off on a wonderful journey together with $35. Frankly, you still can do so today for not much more than that.
But it’s better to concentrate on the marriage than the wedding day.
I am not a big fan of the wedding, but do like the reception even though the food is always Some Kind of Mostaccoli.
Recently we attended a second marriage for both the bride and groom who are in their 60’s. It was at our German Club and during the ceremony everyone had a glass of beer or wine in hand.
The minister must have said " Faithful" at least 20 times during the 30 minute ceremony and we decided that we could have turned it into a drinking game during the ceremony.
All weddings, IMHO, should be done with the guests having a beer or drink in hand.
I actually love religious and cultural rituals, save for the sections of graduation ceremonies where your ass goes numb while you listen to an endless list of names. My dislike of weddings is attributable to my dislike of dressing up, dancing in public and spending time with my immediate family.
The OP was directed at how the wedding guests feel about attending the wedding. Speaking as a guest, I would not want to be invited as a guest to something and then be expected to pay for my own drinks, food, venue, entertainment, whatever. I do not appreciate this “custom,” and would also be a lot less likely to attend an event where I knew this would take place. (Perhaps it’s customs like this that cause people not to want to attend weddings. Just a thought.)
And you are right. Although generally the bride runs the show, sometimes the groom and their parents make these decisions, and I just think that among all those people, someone would have the class to say, “Let’s not do that to our guests.”
The guests would thank them.
This makes no sense to me. If for whatever reason, you choose to not have any alcohol at your wedding that is perfectly acceptable. But if you are throwing a party and you know people want to drink, and you are okay with them having drinks, then that is part of hosting the party!
Maybe we should charge people for the band at our wedding. I don’t mind if others listen to music, I just don’t want to pay for them to listen to it. Or, since I’m vegetarian, I don’t mind if we have chicken at the wedding, but I don’t want to pay for others to eat chicken. How ridiculous.
No way. Open bars are a thing of the past here, and have been for decades. I think the last open (free booze) wedding I was at was maybe 25 years ago. I’ve probably been to a dozen weddings since, and all had cash bars: including my own.
If you allow me to partake in some generalizing, I’ve found through my experience and that of my parents that this usually hinges on the ethnicity of the couple.
Italian, Greek, or any Eastern European wedding have an open bar (every wedding that I’ve been to has been like this); English/WASP/Canadian/whatever you want to call them, Chinese, or Jewish weddings have been a cash bar.
Obviously, YMMV.
Having never been to a wedding with a cash bar; I think it’s pretty odd not to have one.
You’re doing better than I think I will be, should that day ever come for me. When I have kids and they want to get married, I’m planning to sit down with them and the checkbook and ask (quite seriously) “how much would I have to give you for you to elope and me to not have to do anything for this wedding?” Failing that, I’m planning to run away to a Buddhist convent in Siberia ('cause Jews don’t have convents to hide in) that doesn’t have internet or phone service, or something like that.
I did the big wedding, mainly for Mr. Neville’s family. I wouldn’t do it again for a million dollars. (A billion, and we can talk.) I occasionally have dreams where somehow the first one didn’t take and we have to have another wedding, and I’m always so relieved when I wake up from them and realize it ain’t so. I class these dreams as nightmares. My only sister is married now and the vast majority of my friends are male and/or married, so I think I’m done with being in weddings for at least the next 20 years or so (whew).
We did something like this. If you wanted soft drinks or the house beer or wine, that was on us. Anything else you had to pay for. It seemed a reasonable compromise- there were free alcoholic drinks available, but we didn’t have to pay for a full bar for any mixed drink under the sun. I also think, possibly with no justification, that people are less likely to get really drunk at a wedding on just beer and wine.
I only think cash bars are really terrible if people have to pay for water and sodas, not just alcohol.
I think couples having a religious wedding should keep in mind that this is a religious service that will almost certainly have a lot of people there who don’t share their or their officiant’s ideas on religion. The guests are not interested in hearing a long sermon about what your religion says about anything- they’re not members of your denomination, so it’s not relevant to them. This is definitely not the time or place for saying anything that might make members of another faith (or atheists/agnostics) uncomfortable. The chances that someone is going to convert to your faith because of something that happened at someone’s wedding are zero for all practical purposes, so don’t try.
I don’t mind them, and may even like them, as long as I don’t have to be the center of attention. When I’m the center of attention at something like this, all I can think about is how I’m going to screw up monumentally. It’s not an experience I enjoy at all.
I don’t really like rituals where I have to do a lot of work for them, either, but that’s just because I’m lazy. Elaborate holiday decorations that somebody else did all the work to put up are great. If I have to do the work- not so great. And I find some kinds of work for these things more objectionable than others. Cleaning, putting up decorations, and making crafts are not things I like doing- cooking or putting together a Passover Haggadah (I actually did this) I don’t mind so much.
This cash bar that people are talking about - is it a physical bar in the room? Or do waiters come up to you and take your order? I’ve don’t think I’ve encountered either here.
My experience is that drinks are paid for but the selection is limited. For instance the cellarmaster at our wedding venue selected one white, two reds, and a sparkling - in addition to fruit punch (in lieu of non-alcoholic champagne), beer, soft drinks, juice and water. If someone wants spirits, shots or cocktails they’ll have to find a bar in the city.
Hey, look where we’re having the wedding! 
(I had to explain to my mother what an open bar was when I told her we didn’t want one. As for why, not only do neither of us drink, but my FIL is an alcoholic–not that he’s invited, but my hubby kinda of has a bad history with alcohol as a result)
Kayeby, I honestly can’t tell you. Last wedding I went to up there I was twelve and free wine was provided–I really didn’t care if there was any bar (oh, and the wine was waaaay too dry for me).
At most of the weddings I’ve been to, there’s a physical bar in the room where the reception is held, with bartenders. You get your drinks, alcoholic and non-alcoholic, at this bar, with the possible exception of champagne for a toast that might be poured at your table. At most of the weddings I’ve been to, the food was buffet-style with people called up by table. There was someone to take dirty dishes off the table after the meal, but no waiters.
Not to put too fine a point on this discussion that has probably gone on too long (because those who want a cash bar will have a cash bar no matter what anyone else says), but you’ve completely missed the point. Cash bars are terrible because they turn honored guests into paying customers.
Have an event, any event - a wedding reception, a dinner party, game night - and serve whatever you want to serve, but, for Pete’s Sweet Sake, don’t charge your guests for “extras.” Do you invite people to your house for dinner and offer them beer but tell them, “We have hard liquor on hand, but you can’t have it unless you pay $8 a pop for it.”? What if you made chicken for dinner but the guests wanted steak? Do you say, “the steak table is over there, but it’ll cost you $20”? Of course not. (I hope!)
Same with a wedding reception. You, the host, get to provide the refreshments for your guests. Whatever you offer - pink lemonade, beer, sodas, Koolaid, Brandy Alexanders, Thunderbird, water, whatever (it’s your choice because you are the host) – is the fare they get because they are the guests. You’re not running a restaurant, and guests do not get to put in an order. They have the option of partaking in the refreshments offered or not. Polite guests accept what is offered, without complaint, and thank the host for it.
Enough?