My Big Fab Gay Wedding®: the alcohol question

In My Humble Opinion
1

As many of you know, Jeremy and I are getting married, and we’re planning on having a wedding with all the trappings. (Well, not all, but you know what I mean.)

Here’s the thing: we’re both recovering drunks. A very sizable chunk - probably almost half - of our guests are, too. However, I don’t know if I want to be all Nazi-ass and have a “dry” wedding. Many of the people I plan on inviting (and I said “I” because Jer’s inviting pretty much only sober people) enjoy their booze. My own opinion on their attitudes toward drinking notwithstanding, I don’t want to deprive anyone of alcohol if they really feel the need to drink.

But no way in hell am I going to pay for an open bar.

This is going to cost enough as it is, and we’re lucky to have found a way to pay for it. I’ll pay for a great reception and dinner, but I’m not going to pay for people to get drunk.

Still, I’ve heard that cash bars at wedding are considered tacky, and being fabulously gay and all, I mustn’t do anything tacky or gauche. :wink:

There will be fizzy drinks at the reception, and sparkling white grape juice for toasts. But what about wine with dinner? Isn’t that usually included in the cost per person? I’m not going to make certain tables pay for wine if they want it. Can we just pay for whatever wine was consumed?

And would it really be that bad to have a cash bar for after dinner? Would it be insulting to the drinking guests if all non-alcoholic drinks were free?

If there’s a cash bar, should it be stated on the insert that goes with the invitation (where you list directions, phone numbers, etc.)?

Have any of you been to weddings of one or two alcoholics in recovery? “Dry” or “semi-dry” weddings? How was it handled? If it was handled badly, how?

I know it’s “our day” and we can do whatever the hell we want (especially if we’re paying for it ourselves), but I don’t want to piss anyone off, either.

(Get used to the above paragraph: you’ll be reading it a lot in future My Big Fab Gay Wedding®* threads.) :stuck_out_tongue:

2

First off, congrats! As far as the ‘needs’ of your guests go, here is my thought: If they know you and love you, as I’m sure they do, they should not be surprised or horrified to find a cash bar, or even no bar at your wedding. This is your day (well, Jeremy’s too:)), and you should do what makes you feel most comfortable.

If it were me in this situation, I would probably go with the cash bar dealie.

Best wishes to you and Jeremy.

3

First off, congrats! As far as the ‘needs’ of your guests go, here is my thought: If they know you and love you, as I’m sure they do, they should not be surprised or horrified to find a cash bar, or even no bar at your wedding. This is your day (well, Jeremy’s too:)), and you should do what makes you feel most comfortable.

If it were me in this situation, I would probably go with the cash bar dealie.

Best wishes to you and Jeremy.

4

A post so nice, I made it twice!

5

My humple opinion: Cash bar sounds OK to me too. Friends will be understanding about this. If I were invited to a wedding and I knew that the couple were recovering then I’d think it perfectly acceptable to have to pay for drinks.

6

Forgot: congratulations! Let us know how it is going nearer the date. Hope you have a great day.

7

I see nothing wrong with a “dry” wedding, especially if people know you guys are both recovering. I’m guessing a fair number of your guests will be, too? I was planning a nearly-dry wedding myself before everything with my ex fell apart; neither of us drink much, and quite honestly I’ve heard too many horror stories about people who have wrecked weddings by getting totally shitfaced drunk. There is a family history of alcohol problems behind me anyway, so I’m a bit paranoid about the stuff. The plan was enough champagne for a glass or two for those who wanted the Real Thing and a suitable substitute for those who couldn’t/wouldn’t want it.

It’s your wedding. If people want to get drunk, they can just do it elsewhere after the reception. Personally I think a cash bar is just tacky as all hell, but as I got in major trouble in another wedding thread a while back for saying some particular wedding idea was tacky, I say in a VERY LOUD VOICE that this is MY OPINION. Not a stated fact.

Congratulations!

8

Sounds judemental as hell. I’d guess that Scott and his partner’s friends aren’t all recovering alcoholics like yourself who are going to the wedding to get drunk and pass out, which is what you make it sound like. You know there are quite a few of us out there who simply like to enjoy a drink on social occasions - it doesn’t make us all alcoholics.

9

Sorry, shouldn’t have described you as a recovering alcoholic - just noticed that you didn’t actually use that term.

10

I don’t think a cash bar or no bar is tacky at all, espeically knowing full well the couple doesn’t drink and most guests don’t drink. So have a cash bar and don’t worry about it. I think open bars at weddings are a recipe for disaster anyway- it only takes one guest that has the “all you can drink” mentality to ruin a reception. I’ve had a lot more fun at weddings with no booze or cash bar.

As for if the dinner includes it or not, just ask the place where the reception is being held. When I had a restaurant reception, it was one price to serve alcohol with dinner and another price to serve other drinks. Don’t sweat it.

11

Scott,

one thing a lot of people lose sight of is that the main reason people are going to your wedding is because they are there to see you.

Everything else is secondary.

While I don’t mind having a drink at a wedding, if a wedding was dry, it wouldn’t bother me in the least bit. I’m not there for a smashing party, I’m there to see my friends get married!

At one of my friend’s wedding, she was charged per wine bottle. At another friend’s weeding, she was allowed to bring in outside liquor (which lowers the price greatly). You will have to discuss it with who ever decides these things at your wedding; every situation is different. In general, however, non-alcoholic drinks are free. Nobody will bat an eye over that issue.

As for a cash bar, some people think its tacky, others think nothing of it. Why don’t you ask a friend to ask your buddies that drink what they think? That way you can get a feel for what your group thinks.

Think of this, too:

in about 5, 10, 50 years, nobody is going to remember if your wedding was dry or not. They will remember how happy you two were. That’s all that matters!

Congratulations!

One more bit of advice: Weddings happen in such a whirl for the bridal party:
Take a few minutes to take it all in. Take a moment to appreciate the beautiful cake, the beautiful food, your friends, the decorations and most of all, Jeremy.

12

I was a bridesmaid at a wedding this last January. The reasons were a little different (bride and groom are fundamentalist Christians), but the reception was alcohol free. I had a similar discussion with the bride as the wedding was in the planning stages, she was debating whether to have alcohol available or not, because there were guests in attendance (myself included)who liked to drink. A good time was had by all, without the alcohol.

I don’t see any problem with having a dry reception. Anyone who knows you well enough to know your reasons will be fine with it, and anyone who would complain about it needs to get over it.

13

Well… Scott Evil and Fundies with similar wedding dilemmas who’d a thunk it? :stuck_out_tongue:

The keep fabulousity at maximum levels you will need to have a bar, but make it a juice/coffee bar with exotic coffees, expresso, fresh fruit and veggie juices, smoothies, chai tea infusions etc, etc. You know the stuff all the in crowd drinks but better than they can get at Starbucks or waht your local equivalent is. No one’s going to die if they can’t get hammered at a wedding. If someone’s that diehard of a booze hound they can bring their own flask. I’m assuming most of the guests will appreciate and respect your wishes on this.

Ape of Bad Tidings is correct I doubt there will be conversations years hence of … “Boy the Evil wedding really sucked! I didn’t throw up once!”

14

I didn’t mean it to sound judgemental. No, I’m not a recovering alcoholic myself. I’ve heard too many horror stories!

This is, however, THEIR wedding. If they’re uncomfortable with alcohol, then they shouldn’t feel obligated to provide it. The last thing I’d want are drunken shenanigans at my wedding, and I have seen people who seem to feel that any wedding is an excuse to cut loose and make idiots of themselves.

If they feel something like a cash bar is an acceptable compromise, then fine. But it sounds like scott_evil isn’t too happy with THAT idea either.

15

I also do not understand why alcohol is required at a wedding. I’m not an alcoholic (recovering or otherwise), but I just don’t drink, and the presence or absence of alcohol never really makes an impression on me either way.

Oh, and congrats to you both!

16

Oops, reread the OP – the cash bar is COMPLETELY out. Okay.

Somebody I know who has quite a few years of sobriety says a) a no-alcohol wedding is fine if that’s what you’d really prefer, and b) if you’re comfortable with it, having alcohol is fine too and c) it might be a good idea to discuss this with your sponsor(s) if you’re this torn. (I ran the general situation by this person in RL.)

Good luck!

17

I’ve been to lots of dry weddings, some for money reasons, some for religious reasons, some for recovering alcoholic reasons.

The only thing tacky about a dry wedding is if your guests are going to be rude enough to complain about your doing it the way you want.

And from every recovering alcoholic I know, that’s one thing I’ve learned: Especially early on in sobriety, it’s vitally important that you only be around alcohol if YOU are comfortable with it. The consequences of giving in and “just having one” are potentially life-threatening to you. Not worth the risk.

I say do what you want. I do like astro’s suggestion of a truly fab juice/coffee bar, too – a way of being very sophisticated without worrying about being around alcohol if it makes you uncomfortable. Your wedding day really IS all about you!! :smiley:

18

Again, whatever YOU and Jeremy feel comfortable with. Don’t feel pressured into having a cash bar or booze at your wedding if you don’t want to.

Hey, it’s YOUR day. Besides, weddings are so much fun (at least, the four weddings I’ve been to were, and I was under drinking age at all of them!)

Good food, good music, dancing, friends, and being together, that’s what’s important.

19

If I were you, I’d make it a dry wedding. It’s really not a big deal. Yes, there are some people out there who like to have a drink or two when it’s available (including me) but generally going without for one night isn’t going to kill, or even upset, anyone.

20

If your non-alcoholic friends who drink can’t deal with going to one wedding and not drinking, I’d say they have a problem. And if they even dared to complain about it, they’re assholes. It’s YOUR wedding and YOUR money. I can’t believe this is even an issue for you, hon. I’ve never been to a wedding with alcohol, ever. It’s just not done in the places I’ve lived.

Besides, think of your friends who will be there that are in recovery. I’m sure they don’t expect the rest of the drinking world to stop just because they quit drinking, but I’m also sure they would appreciate not having the temptation right in front of them the whole night. Sure, if someone fell off the wagon that night it’d be their own fault, but it wouldn’t have helped that they were put in a tempting position. They’ll be there to support you, but they shouldn’t have to fight temptation all night long to do it.

Astro’s idea rocks ass and it’s unique. I’ve never heard of a coffee/smoothie bar at a wedding but what a great idea!