Okay, as I mentioned in a thread that disappeared over the upgrade weekend my girlfriend and I ended our relationship. It has been almost a month and it is still difficult at times. I’m getting my feet under me now and starting to think about meeting new people and dating - the it scares me a little bit still but I’m getting over her and starting to move on.
So last night my neighborhood threw our bi-monthly cocktail party and I was excited to go. They are a great time and a big part of why I love the “community” here in my neighborhood. There was a touch of sadness in it as for the last 2 years my girlfriend always went with me and it seemed strange going to the first one “solo”. Nonetheless, I got myself looking pretty good, had my small cooler of drinks, and was ready to go enjoy myself!
So I’m there, socializing with my neighbors and friends and having a really great time. I chatted with a few neighbors who were in a small group and there was a really cute woman in that cluster who I didn’t know/recognize and one of my neighbors introduced me and we made very quick introduction-type small talk. Did I mention she was really cute, she was - smoking hot actually, great smile too! Anyway, I excused myself as we were getting ready to leave for the next house on the cocktail party circuit and I had to go gather my things.
At the next house, I happen to see her standing alone just looking around and checking things out. Now, I am TERRIBLE at chatting-up a woman. Just horrible at it. As a result I usually get a little intimidated and just don’t try. Networking and making small-talk, meeting new people and being comfortable is all easy enough for me even with perfect strangers. When it comes to “hitting on” someone though, that’s where things go wrong for me internally and I’d usually embarrass myself with something like “Hi Sue, I’ve got legs!*”.
So there I was with my friends chatting and there she was by herself. My inner voice was debating with me about going over there and talking to her. That inner voice won the debate with “Fuck this, go for it you tool!” (My inner voice can be harsh) and I went over to talk to her. I said hello and reintroduced myself and we started talking about the house, the neighborhood, etc. She was smiling and laughing at my jokes and she was really witty with a touch of sarcastic humor which I liked.
“You’re the fucking man!” said my inner voice. “Keep it up, she likes you and you’re enjoying this and are doing great!” We ended up chatting for over an hour, with what I think was quite a bit of flirting back from her, etc. Now, understand dear readers if I caught that there might have been flirting at all, it is a miracle. I never pick up on the signals so she MUST have been really putting them out there for me to pick up on it.
After about an hour, she said she had to be leaving. She apologized but said she had a babysitter and had to be getting home. “Fuck! Listen you lame ass, don’t blow this by letting her leave without getting her phone number! ABC dumbass. Always. Be. Closing!” said my inner voice. “Hell yes I’m going to close this” I told my inner voice. It probably came out a little awkwardly but I asked if I could get her number and we’d go out sometime.
“Yes, that would be fun! Walk me back to my car?” she said. “WOOOHOOO YES YES YOU ARE THE MAN” shouted my inner voice. So we started to make our way from the backyard into the house to head out and for MeanJoe to walk her to her car and get her phone number. I was behind her, following her, and had my cell phone in my hand, anticipating typing in this cuties phone number as we walked to her car. I was walking her to her car, and was going to get her phone number!! I think I saw some birds singing and butterflies dancing around the nose of Bambi too! I could see a few of my friends nearby and they had been watching and smiling at me, and they discretely gave me big thumbs up. They know I have a hard time doing this and I could see by their faces they were excited for me. I was almost giddy but still very much the cool MeanJoe that I think I am.
That’s when things went wrong, wrong, wrong. She saw her friend (female, married, her and her husband live in the neighborhood and had invited her to the party. I recognize them but don’t know them) just inside the door to the house and obviously she was going to stop and say goodbye. No worries, I’ll just stand here patiently. I’m going to walk her to her car and get her phone number, remember? What could happen? She is saying goodbye, I’m a respectful few steps away giving her privacy and just looking at my phone in a very non-chalant way, when her friend takes her by the arm and marches her out of the house. :eek:
“What the fuck?!? Did she just… did she… DID SHE JUST COCK-BLOCK YOU?!?” screams my inner voice.
I had no idea what to do. I just stood there for a minute like a dope, embarrassed as hell. What just happened? The birds stopped singing, the butterflies got eaten by a hoard of spiders, and Bambi was shaking his head at me in a way that just said “What were you thinking, loser?”. Tail between my legs, I went back to my group of friends. 
Fuckity-fuck-fuck.
I ran back into her friend, the married one who lives here in the neighborhood, again a little later that night. I told her I really enjoyed meeting her friend, she seemed like a really fun and interesting person. She said her friend told her that she had a good time talking to me too. Completely flabergasted at this point, I actually asked her (in a casual, non-confrontational way) if I did something wrong there by chatting with her friend? I said that she seemed to just grab her and run off with her. Was that a girlfriend-bail-me-out-from-this-loser move and I misread the entire conversation? She said no, nothing wrong at all. “What. The. Fuck?” said my inner voice. She said she grabbed her and walked her back to her car because she (neighbor) had to go pick up another bottle of wine from her house where her (cutie) car was parked. Then she said while they were walking to her car, that her friend (the cutie, who I was going to walk to her car with and get her phone number) actually told her “You totally cock-blocked me.” with that guy.
“YOU FUCKING NON-COCK OWNING COCK-BLOCKING NEIGHBOR BLAAAHRRGGHH BLAMA-LAMAA-WHAT THE FUCK” screamed my inner voice into her face.
I hate this part of being single, trying to meet someone, getting up the guts to chat someone up, thinking it is going well, and then poof.
Fuck-o.
MeanJoe
- All due credit to Eddie Izzard.
Post Script: Neighbor’s husband and I got to talking later. He asked if I got their friend’s number, said it seemed like we were hitting it off. I told him what happened, laughing about it so he didn’t know I was thinking about how I wanted his wife to be hit by a bus. He apologized and told me his wife can be a bit oblivious when she is drinking and actually offered me the cutie’s phone number. I got it but now I have no idea what to do with it. Afterall, SHE didn’t give it to me and well… I don’t want to appear stalker-ish, ya’ know?
