Non-legal opinion on child support/custody issue wanted

In My Humble Opinion
1

My ex-wife and I divorced about 12 years ago. She had custody of our child, but decided to have a party lifestyle that I and both sides of the family couldn’t continue to let happen. I took my ex-wife to court about 10 years ago and won custody of our child. Ex was allowed supervised visitation and didn’t have to pay any child support. Fast-forward to now. Child is now 14, her mother has gotten better about things over the years, and she’s now living with her mother. It started off as weekend visits but gradually she wanted to go live with her mother. This is just an informal arrangement we’ve made, no further court cases have happened. I’m paying child support volontarily, probably about as much as a court would assign.

The ex always has money problems. She wants more child support. I hear about her not being able to pay for gas, not having money for her cell phone, not having enough money to fix her car, etc. That’s really not my problem, my problem is just to contribute my fair share of expenses for our daughter, and I know from raising her 10 years that I’m paying more than enough for that.

About 2 months ago the ex started court action to transfer jurisdiction of the child support case from my county to hers, and I believe to officially change custody to her. It’s always bothered her to lose custody. Her having custody is ok with me, if my daughter wants to live with her mother I’ll abide with that wish. But I don’t really see the need to involve the courts in things.

I really didn’t know that my county had any paperwork or anything to do with it, the last case and ruling was done in her county. Since the papers were filed I have caved into her and gave her even more money, and she’s happy (for now.) So supposedly she isn’t going to push the case. But I am still supposed to appear in court Friday morning, I assume to say “Yes, I agree to changing the jurisdiction”, or “No, I don’t agree.”

The question is, should I agree or not agree to it? What are the ramifications of each? If I don’t agree does that mean she has to take off work and come to my county again to continue the case? I’m thinking of saying No, becasue if she isn’t going to pursue it further it shouldn’t matter to her.

I know many will say get a lawyer, but that’s not something I’m going to do, but if anyone here has any words of wisdom I’d appreciate it. I’m not looking for legal opinions, just ideas and opinions.

2

What do you feel would be best for your daughter?

Your ex likely wants court-appointed custody so that she can try and get more child support. She may be dellusional about how much she can get. Or maybe she wants to make sure she has legal recourse in case you end up not paying her for some reason.

3

Honestly I feel it would be best for my daughter to live with me, I have the most stable home life and financial situation. But if my ex and my daughter both want the same thing, I am willing to let them have their way.

But my real question was about the court hearing on Friday. Should I say Yes or No to moving the jurisdiction for child support?

4

My idea and opinion is that you should ask these same questions of a lawyer.

Sorry.

Regards,
Shodan

5

I’d say no. I don’t think it will ultimately affect any outcomes, custody or child support.

But it would be a good way to keep your ex from constantly threatening to take you to court for more money.

You’re probably right to think she has overestimated what the courts would award. You seem a pretty reasonable guy willing to pay as expected, preferring to not have your personal matters aired in court if it can be avoided by reason and maturity. She, no doubt, is aware of this part of your nature and, in my ill informed opinion, would willingly take advantage. (Can’t pay the gas bill, can’t fix the car, yada, yada, poor me!)

If she actually had to take time off of work, pay travel costs, put out her own time, I think she’s less likely to take advantage of you and your non confrontational nature. She will threaten, I’m sure, and you may still cave, you both know the dance, after all.

But when the day comes that you won’t be pushed anymore, you can tell her to take you to court. Then you’ll get to watch her cave!

6

Agreed. There may be lots of implications of your decisions that random message board folk won’t know. You’re tying your own hands by trying to do this without legal representation.

7

I’m afraid you’re operating from a flawed premise, control-z - that your ex is a rational person, and her motives are the best interests of your daughter. Since you won’t get lawyers involved (and didn’t get lawyers involved when arrangements changed), you’re on your own. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in dealing with your ex.

8

Your ex has signaled she wants to get the court system involved. That means it WILL get confrontational. No matter how much you don’t want it to be, and how much you are willing to grant her custody, once she starts paying an attorney with money that is already tight, she will want to get her investment back out - from you.

I’d look for an attorney. I’d say no to the change in venue.

9

Thanks to those that ventured a response. I’m thinking there’s no advantage to me in allowing the change of venue, so I guess I’ll decline.

10

Agree that there is no such thing as a non-legal opinion (of any value) here.

11

Don’t change venues. I got divorced about 6 years ago and my wife had custody of our daughter, but due to some mental issues on her side my daughter came to live with me about 4 years ago. I just modified the divorce here this last month to give my ex additional alimony in exchange for full custody of my child. However if I had allowed a venue change it would have been horrific and very painful. The state my ex lives in is very pro-mother and I would not have been treated fairly there in my opinion.

Get a lawyer and fight the venue change, I would also fight the custody change unless you honestly see an advantage for your daughter. In my case it was mainly to stem any future potential filing of back child support (since my kid lives with me there wasn’t any child support being paid). I get along very well with my ex–but I still was very cautious once we got the legal system involved and I went to a lawyer to make sure my rights were protected.

Good luck.

12

I had a friend who went through something similar. His ex’s MO was to file in court, then tell him they had worked out between them and she wouldn’t pursue. So he didn’t show up, and the court gave her everything she asked for. He fell for this twice despite our advice the first time, and yelling and arm waving the second time.

So, yeah, show up, decline the change, be ready with a sound reason (I have no idea what that might be.)

Who so you think told her that a change of venue was needed? I can’t imagine she came up with that on her own. Suspect that she does have a lawyer on her side.

13

My non-legal advice is to resist every legal avenue she pursues. Anything she gets done legally will be to your detriment.

14

She has a friend that’s a court clerk. She has no lawyer or money for a lawyer AFAIK.

15

Your current system is pretty much as much in your favor as it could be. You are under no legal obligation to pay your wife 1 cent (although you do.) I know we do not have your wife’s side of the story, but it does not impress me as entirely irrational that she might wish to alter the situation so that she has some legal guarantees. In short, any such alteration has the possibility of making the situation less favorable to you. And in every state I have ever encountered them legal orders of support/child support are a VERY SERIOUS DEAL. We’re talking wage garnishment, potential imprisonment . . . And once a support order has been issued, it can be extremely difficult to have it changed.

So I would be extremely hesitant to simply accede to your wife’s wishes, and extremely hesitant to proceed without legal counsel. In some jurisdictions there are provisions where a single attorney can represent both parties in an attempt to mediate a settlement. Hiring an attorney does not necessarily mean you are taking no prisoners. And if you are not being extreme, legal fees need not be outrageously high.

16

So what should I expect from small-town court? I’m supposed to be there at 9:00, could I be sitting around all day waiting for my case to come up?

17

You can call the court ahead of time and see how many cases are on the 9:00 call and which order yours is. If it is a small jurisdiction, it will not likely be more than a couple of cases. And they will generally al be motions or status calls. It isn’t like you are going to have to sit through a several hour proceeding for your 2-minute matter.

18

So, let me get this straight…you pay your wife “child support” and have been doign so even when there was no child to support at her house? This money, supposedly given to her to provide for your daughter, has been used to pay bills, drink beer, party, instead of do things like save for her college, buy her clothes, etc? Do you have funs set aside for those things in addition to the contributions you make to your wife? It sounds mor elike you pay your wife voluntary alimony than child support. I’d tell her you’re going to discontinue the payments unless she can show proof that the money is going for the benefit of your daughter, and not her own, and demand to be a signatory on any accounts she opens in your daughter’s name, so she can’t just raid it when she needs money.

Honestly, this reads like she has your nuts in a vice…she may be your child’s mother, but she needs to grow up and show some responsibility. I wouldn’t let your daughter move over there and learn from her mother how to manage financially, etc, unless you want your daughter to end up like John Carter of Mars’ granddaughter.

19

No child support was paid until 2 or 3 years ago when I let my daughter live with her mom. Her mother is no longer drinking and partying, but still lacks basic money management skills. Still, she’s not all bad.

I’d love to make her prove that the money was going for the benefit of my daughter, but I KNOW that would take us into court territory, and they require no such proof AFAIK.

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Non-legal? Non-likely.

Sorry. Must close.

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