What with meditation, escalating living standards, recreational drugs and highly-useful self-help books, modern society doesn’t have enough stress in it any more. In order to return us to the level of peace and serenity enjoyed by our ancestors, and in accordance with groundbreaking research on this issue by the Alabama Institute of Mental Health and Wellness, I propose the creation of the following tapes and CDs.
Hopefully, with these released to the general public, we will no longer need to suffer through quiet and calm days, and can once again enjoy the teeth-clenching agony of stress.
[ul][li]Fran Drescher Reads Beat Poetry[]The Taxman, Patiently Breathing Whilst Looking Over Your Shoulder[]Relax with Ukrainian Steelworks[]Geniune New York Traffic Sounds[]Teething Baby On A Plane[]Diarrhea Classics[]Fur Elise’, as played by Samantha Johnson, age 6, as she learns it[]Hamsterdance (4-hour dub mix)[]Disturbing Rattling Noise From Airplane Wing (to be listened to on trans-Atlantic flights)[]‘Should I Call the Cops if They Keep Yelling?’ an interactive CD[]That Weakest Link Chick Reads The Vagina Monologues[]The Three Tenors Sing Your Favorite Songs from the Mortal Kombat: Annihilation Soundtrack[]Sounds Of History #3: Mediaeval Torture Chamber[/ul][/li]Other suggestions?
This would have a continual loop of “honey does this make my butt look fat?” and other choice phrases sung over a crying/shrieking rhythm.
Nails on Chalkboard Sonata
Gilbert Gottfried - reading ANYTHING
Yeeeeeehhhhhhaaaaa! Let’s try it! De da de da de de do do, da de da de de do, de de de da de de da da de de da da, de de da de de de de do!
How about
Nosey Co-Worker Mix- the comments of your coworkers who apparently don’t have enough work of their own to do bitching about how much work you’re not doing.
I was watching an infomercial on the ‘hand hammered wok’ and how freeking great it was, how all food cooked in the wok was better tasting, better for you bla bla bla.
Then it visited the ‘factory’.
[shudder]
A large hanger like room where about 500 Chinese people had large circles of metal and hammers, which they were using to beat the metal circles into woks.
Notice how I didn’t say they had ear protection.
Some how the idea that the total purchase price was a years salary for worker kept me from buying it.
[ul]
[li]Famous Jokes as Told by Seven Year Olds (and then … and then … no wait … and then …)[/li][li]The Jingle Cats Sing “Who Let the Dogs Out”[/li][li]Hey, Let Me Chew My Gum Loudly Right Near Your Ear (an ideal choice for “hold” music)[/li][li]Annoying Songs That Get Stuck In People’s Heads, Except They Can Only Remember One Line So They Sing It Over and Over (extended remix)[/li][li]The Soothing Sounds of Your Spouse, On Hour Nine of a Car Trip, Scanning Through the Radio Dial, But Refusing To Listen To Any One Station For More Than 5 Seconds (Play Time: one hour and 16 minutes, or until you drive the car into a tree on purpose)[/li][/ul]