Sam: What’ll you have Normie?
Norm: Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Sam: Looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
Well you see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
“What’s new Normie?”
“Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach and they’re demanding beer.”
“What’d you like Normie?”
“A reason to live. Give me another beer.”
“What’s the story Mr. Peterson?”
“The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy
ending.”
“Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
“I know, if she calls, I’m not here.”
“What’s going on Mr Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’”
“Whatcha up to Norm?”
“My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”
What a great show!
“What’s up, Norm?”“My nipples, it’s cold out there!”
What’s goin’ on, Mr. Peterson?
Let’s talk about what’s going in Mr. Peterson. Gimme a beer, Wood.
What would you say to a nice beer, Norm?
What’s a nice beer like you doing in a face like this?
Frasier: I’m running with scissors!
Frazier reads aloud to the group from “A Tale of Two Cities” by Charles Dickens. As he reads the first couple of lines:
F: “It was the best of times. It was the worst of times…”
N: “Well, WHICH was it ??”
C: “Boy this Dickens character sure liked to cover his butt, didn’t he?”
F: “And there was a blood thirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the streets and swallowed them whole.”
Woody (handing Norm a blue drink): "Here Mr. Peterson, try this!"Norm: “Woody, that’s a glass of Windex!”
“Heh-heh, boy, you said it Normy.”
“No, I’m serious: pass the beer nuts. I’m starvin’ over here!”
Woody: Hey, Norm, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yeah, now let’s get Johnny Beer nipping at my liver!
“…and as he climbed into the Apache helicopter, looking down at the destruction below him, he said…'Tis a far better butt-kicking than ever I have butt-kicked!”
Al-ban-ee-ah, Al-ban-ee-ah. . .you border ON the AY-dree-at-ic.
And your chief export is wool.
“Methinks he doth protest too much”
“Excuse me Miss Chambers, but shouldn’t that be *I * thinks?”
Gus, a guy who owned the bar before Sam, comes in. Owned it about 10 or more years before Sam owned it.
“I see you’ve changed a lot since I owned the place. New pictures, different lighting, and you panelled the wall over there behind Norm.”
Norm: “Hiya Gus.”
Woody: “She’s going to play with him like a rat plays with a mouse.”
Sam: “Uh, Woody, that’s a cat and mouse.”
Woody: “Cat and mouse? C’mon, Sam, a cat and mouse don’t play with each other. They don’t even know the same games! Geez, think before you speak, Sam.”
Damn, I can’t remember the exact episode or context. But basically Sam is looking at an old ledger of his, documenting various bar tabs owed.
“See, look Norm, you’re in here too! ‘Skinny guy at end of bar’!”
Coach: “What I’d do was, I’d get up there and lean my body into the pitch, right, and well sometimes I took one right in the old melon…Here, go ahead, TRY and miss me!”
Coach, after fielding a phone call: I’ve got a call for an Ernie Pantusso!
Sam: That’s you, Coach.
Coach, back on the phone: Speaking!
Diane: I, Diane Chambers, who was once offered a full scholarship to the Sorbonne, have found myself attracted to a walking bubblegum card.
Coach: Well I don’t know what to tell you about you & Sam, Diane, but I think I can give you some advice about your sore buns.