Not Coming To A Theater Near You

Serenity NOW!!: A nebbishy space cowboy tries to maintain his cool while dealing with his own incompetence and a crazy cast of characters.

Last Tango & Cash In Paris: A pair of tough cops base their relationship entirely on sex.

TheLords of Riverdance: Plucky cadets try to save their military academy through the power of Irish step dancing.

The King and Withnail and I- a British actor wannabe and his flamboyant perennial unemployed narcissicistic whining roommate accept a position teaching acting to the children of the king of Thailand. Hilarity, drunkenness, accidental drug smugling and long term arrest ensue.

Two summer road trip comedies:

Cormac’ McCarthy’s THE ROAD to SINGAPORE- Bob Hope and Bing Crosby play two slacker buds who survive an unidentified apocalypse that destroys all plant and animal life and set out to make a fortune squatting on Singapore real estate for when the market comes back. Along the way they find themselves on the run from nasty cannibals- many times- though not even the roasting of a baby kills the song in Bing’s heart, and eventually they team up with Dorothy Lamour and debate who’s going to eat who first?

A Few Good Men Are Hard To Find- Shirley MacLaine is a bossy grandma making her son (Jon Hamm), his wife (January Jones) and their kids (assorted Fannings) miserable until they encounter a curmudgeonly misfit Colonel Jessep, recently escaped from military prison. Throw in Kathy Griffin as a hitchhiking nun, Ethan Supplee and Verne Troyer as Jessep’s fellow escapees, and a landfill of murderous fun and you’ve got a movie the whole family can run screaming from.

Sailor Moonstruck:
Sailor Moon drops Tuxedo Mask when she meets Nicholas Cage.
or
Nicholas Cage falls in love with a cartoon character. Rated “O” for Otaku.

Prints of Persia:
“…and here’s a picture of us standing in front of the Baghdad Hilton, and here’s a picture…”

From the Earth to the Sailor Moon:
“I will find you Usagi, where ever you may go.”

Whodat Man: The untold story of the 1920s’ most famous blackface superhero. You will wish it had remained untold.

Bronco Billy Jack - An idealistic, ex-Vietnam-Vet-turned-Indian-by-immersion struggles to keep his royalties coming in by producing this film in the face of waning interest.

**Apocalypse Later **- A 21st century platoon is sent in to find an exterminate a rogue officer. After sampling the local “jungle product”, they go AWOL and set up their own “Export” business.

The Magnificent Sven: Due to a garbled telegram, a Swedish magician must protect a village from vicious bandits.

Wild, Wild, East - Will Smith and Kevin Kline reprise their roles in this shouldn’t-have-been-greenlighted-in-the-first-place comedic adaptation of Romance of the Three Kingdoms.

Twilight Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon falls in love with an emo [del]anti-hero[/del] [del]vampire[/del] werewolf.

733: The untold story of the Thespian warriors and their slaves who fought along Leonidas in the Thermopylae.

**HairPlane!: **two different movies are combined to create something that’s completely different. Altogether!

The Mild Bunch: A gang of milquetoast bank robbers enjoy success because people hand over the money because they feel sorry for them.

Orphaned, Again

The Taking of Third Avenue-138th Street to Parkchester (The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3)

Bourne to be Wild

Bourne Under a Bad Sign

A Sucker Bourne Every Minute

Babe: Pig in Swine Flu City

Found a good list here…

Carpaccioface: After his face is disfigured in an Italian food related incident, a brash young immigrant becomes a drug and pasta kingpin. The “Red Sauce” scene is known for its sheer brutality although the implements never touch the victim.

A Star is Bourne: Matt Damon, in his last appearance as terminally ill, alcoholic Jason Bourne (thank God), trains his replacement.

Chez Guevara: The owner of a French/Cuban restaurant is mistaken for a famous revolutionary.

**Have Gum, Will Travel: ** The unexciting tale of how Paladin deals with not being able to smoke while travelling.