Not intending to hurt doesn't take away the hurt

In My Humble Opinion
41

You know what, to answer this I am going to tell another quick story. (the short answer is “yes”, by the way)

At the gym I used to go to briefly, the handicap parking spaces are directly in front of the front-lobby doors. There is a small lobby with a second set of doors to get into the main building. I had parked my car there one day and I noticed some contstruction/maintenance workers off to my left (a considerable distance away) unloading equipment out of a truck. As I was parking my car (a nice RX-8 sports car) a couple of the guys noticed it and were watching me pull in. Well since they were already looking, there attention was fixed on me as I began to get my wheelchair out of the car.

Well, predictably, as I began wheeling down the walkway towards the doors, one of the maintence guys jumped to his feet and began hurrying towards the door (in order to get to it before me so he could open it for me). This is an unneccessary and annoying tendency of people, so, because he was so far away, I felt that I had plenty of time to “nip it in the bud” and politely let him know I could handle it just fine. “No, no, I got it man, thanks but it’s fine.” “Oh, don’t even worry about it man, I got this”, the man says, continuing his fast pace towards the door. “No, really, please, don’t, it’s actually easier for me if you don’t do that.” “Don’t even worry about it man, here you go.” And he managed to get to the door a sec before I did and grabbed it open and stood there, in the doorway, holding it open with a stupid grin on his face.

Now I have a problem with this for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, WHY was he really doing this “good samaritan” deed? Was it really to make my day any easier? How could it have been? I flat out told him, “it’s easier if you DON’T do this…” and he continued despite this. He ignored my pleas and just went on “helping me”. Second, it really does make it more difficult for me when people stand in the middle of the doorway and then expect me to be able to somehow make it thru that BLOCKED doorway. Inevitably, it always goes something like, “Um, thanks but could you move please?” and they end up having to let go of the door they raced to get to before I could. And, believe it or not, I have actually had more than one person YANK THE DOOR OUT OF MY HANDS in order to hold in open for me. People “help” the disabled many times not to make the lives of the disabled any easier but to satisfy some personal need they may harbor inside themselves.

42

Huh?

43

Ok, same situation, but what if someone holds the door open from outside the door frame and isn’t blocking your way? Do you still prefer people don’t go out of their way to help at all? Is it only the fact that the way they try to “help” isn’t helpful, or is it that they help at all?

44

That statement pretty much makes all the difference. If you can perceive there’s no intent to hurt, then why not give folks a break? I think most folks are uncomfortable and mean well, and many are aware that no matter what they say or do, it’s going to be taken as offensive. Save your outrage for the folks who are blatantly rude, and develop a better sense of humor and some patience for those whose intent is in the right place. The alternative is to remain angry and offended at folks who don’t really deserve it, which is only self serving, and perhaps feeds into your own bitterness about your situation. I suspect you’re allowing your ‘ready to be defensive mode’ is preventing you from the opportunity to get know some really fine folks whose hearts are in the right place.

45

I don’t think I can answer with a blanket, one answer fits all statement. It really depends on the particular scenario. If someone is right outside the doorframe and sees me approaching, no, I’d have no issue with the door being held open for me. I guess it comes down to “reasonability”. If you are 20yds away from the door and I’m 2ft away, NO, I don’t want you to come rushing to get the door. If getting the door for me is a reasonable action on your part which doesn’t require any undo hurrying or distance-crossing then I’m ok with it. And one aspect is the visual sight of me opening and going through a door myself. It is EFFORTLESS and fluid and done without the slightest notion of difficulty or struggle. I don’t need help with this whatsoever and and “help” I do get makes my day harder. And I must endure these “good deeds” numerous times each and every day and I am expected to simply praise these people for their wonder kind hearts rather than educate them on how to treat a disabled individual. When I do that, I’m immediately labeled “angry” or “bitter” and anything I have to say is dismissed along those lines. It’s a lose-lose.

46

google Southpark, Jimmy vs Timmy fight.

We get it. You have a cross to bear. But you clearly have an ax to grind and it’s making you unhappy. If you weren’t “Angry Wheelchair Guy” you’d be “Angry Body Builder Guy” or “Angry Accounting Guy”.

Had you posted the incident with a question you would have gotten the feedback you were seeking. Q, “Was this guy being a jerk”. A, “Why yes he was”.

The world is full of jerks and believe it or not, we all have our crosses to bear. Most people are handicapped by something even if it’s not visible.

47

And that was the point of my earlier post- you don’t what you may be doing that other people are putting up with you for.

I was on crutches for a year, in a full length hip cast, after a very bad knee injury. I was in college at the time, lived on the sixth floor of my dorm (no elevator) and was in two lab classes. It sucked, and I remember thinking how sick I was of having to say “thank you” for things I normally did not need help with (opening up doors, carrying my tray in the cafe etc). It was frustrating and people did say and do stupid things. Being temporarily on crutches is not the same thing as permanently paralyzed. I get it. But those of us making comments are not so inexperienced either.

Sometimes you just have to forgive well-meaning people their foibles, or plan on spending most of your life annoyed. It’s something we all have to do, with whatever private trauma we carry with us.

48

You are wrong, my dear. I am not angry. I am determined. Determined to be the person that I am capable of being. And determined that others can have that opportunity as well.

49

That’s what it sounded like to me too. It’s one thing to see someone struggling with something and say “Hey buddy, need a hand?” and talking to him like a baby who managed to use a spoon by himself for the first time. And generally, if I saw Jamie working on getting himself into a jaccuzzi, I’d assume he could manage because he wouldn’t try to get into it if he couldn’t get back out again.

A bunch of years ago there was an absolutely mortifying interview with Vern Troyer. The man was probably in his late 30s at the time and the interviewer was some bimbo who was talking to him as if he was a baby and was surprised that he knew grown up words.

That said, I did ask a guy once about his upper body strength. I was rock climbing in Kentucky and we came across another group of climbers, one of whom was paraplegic. I was totally blown away by the guy’s upper body strength! I can’t imagine campus climbing routes the way he was (it was actually a combination of campus climbing and aid climbing). You climb for a full day, and it would be like doing 1000 pull ups. Dude was superhuman.

50

uh huh. Your thread has nothing to do with missed opportunities for you or anybody else.

51

Ok.

52

I haven’t seen much education going on so far.

But-wipes using the handicapped space because its just a few seconds! Some people are beyond help.

Waaaa I don’t like the isle airplane chair. Well not much the SMBD can do nothing about this even if it should be fixed.

And a bunch of whining about what you report some random guy in the gym said.

If you want to educate how about starting a thread about how to treat those with disabilities. You should be ready for a LOT more disabilities then you have.

If you do actually have diverse interests you should post on those as well. So far you have set yourself up as the “activist in a wheel chair”. If that isn’t all you are why not show the SMBD and the world.

Meflin

53

I’ve seen him post in and start non-handicap related threads. And he has admitted to learning from people’s input here, which I’m sure includes many of the responses with a negative tone. So give him a break, he’s new and this issue is obviously at the forefront for him, as long as it’s not the ONLY issue, there’s nothing wrong with that.

ETA: And although I tend to agree that he’s probably a bit too defensive about certain things IRL, I’ve also learned a bit from his point of view.

54

It’s your thread. What opportunity did you miss in the hot-tub?

55

This is the best answer. I’ve been patronized before, and answering back with immediate snarkiness is the best way to deal with it to me.

56

Obviously My bad for not doing the research. I withdraw this criticism.

On the ETA its the most annoying part of his post IMO. I also understand it quite well. When you have a not every person issue ( some of these are disabilities and some are not ) its easy to get caught up in your thing. I do that in both cases often enough.

Meflin

57

Except that he specifically says his reason for joining revolved around his handicapped issues in post 37.

He has yet to construct any kind of insight beyond the obvious regarding the hot-tub situation.
I don’t understand what opportunity he missed.

58

I’m with the OP. Adults talking to other adults that way is always insulting.

That said:

(bolding mine)

. . . I think this is the part where you start projecting. What does that even mean, worthy?

People hold doors for each other all the time, sometimes it is necessary, other times it’s stupidly going out of their way to ‘help’ when it’s not at all needed. This is no statement on the worthiness of the helpee to open doors like everyone else, but a kind yet oftenisplaced guesture of help and friendliness. We all experience it.

59

Amen.

60

I guess a better thread title would have been, “Have you ever been patronized to? How did you handle it?” That way, it wouldn’t be yet another “Angry Wheelchair Man Thread” but a thread where we could all share stories.

Because a lot of us have been patronized to, and it really does suck. I have empathy for the OP, even if it seems he’s being a one-trick pony. When I first started posting here, I probably seemed like one too. I imagine when many posters are just getting their feet wet here, they start off this way.

So what does one do when they are being patronized to? They can give a snarky response like Chimera’s, or something crazy but humorous like what I would dream of saying:

“Why the surprise? These things are guns, man!” holding up biceps proudly

Or you could say something weirder (and less humorous), “Thanks for the compliment. I’m sure you’re awesome too.”

Or you could say, laughingly, “Champ? Did you actually just say that, dude?” That’s more aggressive, certainly, but if the guy has a sense of humor, maybe he’d be able to laugh at himself and learn in the process.

Once a woman told me that I talked so well, and she was sure my parents were very well educated and must have caught a lot of grief growing up, I guess for being such anamolies. I threw up a little in my mouth and just thanked her. To this day, I wish I had said something clever.