Luckily I’m not suicidal at all, because I know my daughter needs me around and I could never do that to her. So it’s not a thought.
I definitely related to what you said about isolating yourself… I definitely do that. My family has always seen me as being “the sane one” or someone who’s always been able to take care of myself and keep everything together. My mom knows that I haven’t been doing well, but she’s too wrapped up in my brother and her own stuff to be very supportive. Other than that, the friends that do know about my situation make comments like “I’m surprised how well you’re doing in spite of things,” and for some reason (maybe shame like you mentioned) it’s really hard for me to let them know I’m not doing well… not at all.
Thank you for your advice. I need to talk to a doctor about all this and open myself up to the idea of antidepressants (because I’ve always feared the idea of relying on medication to be happy, and my mom used to abuse them).
The severity of these feelings change a lot. I get into a terrible funk for a while and feel like I can hardly function, and then I force myself to make an effort towards taking care of everything.. and it makes me feel better. But it’s always short-lived, and something happens that stresses me out and my energy drops back down to zero… and I fall right back into my funk. It’s a cycle that keeps repeating. So I guess I’m reaching out because I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t get over this on my own :\
You’re right about the hobby thing, and I keep using the excuses that it’s hard to do much of anything when I have my toddler during the day and I study while she sleeps. But I need to make the time to do art again, because when I did I felt so, so much better. I tend to get caught up in thinking about and analyzing everything, and especially thinking about how sad I feel about how everything is affecting my daughter’s life. That tears me up more than anything.. all I’ve wanted was to give her the best I could, and she deserves so much more than a mom who’s in the state I’m in now.. I’m rambling. But I need to keep in mind that mulling over these things isn’t productive at all. It’s so dang hard to break negative habits of thought, but I have to try.
You reminded me of myself with a few of the things you said. When I talked to some lawyers about my situation, they told me I came across as cold and insincere. Only after they saw me have a complete breakdown did they tell me they understand that I have to keep a guard up, because I can’t live my life with tears in my eyes all the time. You seem like a very strong person and I admire that.
Ok, phantomlimb, you’ve got some serious problems. I’m impressed that you’re still taking care of your daughter, going to school, and taking steps to leave your abusive boyfriend. Abusers often increase their abuse once their victims try to separate from them. It’s a common problem that victims of abuse have to go through. You’ve made the right choice by ending the relationship, even though it has made things more stressful now. It would have been a lot worse for both you and your daughter if you stayed with him.
As for some practical advice, check to see if there are any organizations in your area that help victims of domestic violence. I don’t know where you live, but in NYC there are lots of places that will give you free legal advice and counseling. Some places do group therapy where you can talk to other victims of abuse and at least get some support from people who went through what you are going through now. Some places also have housing programs that help pay rent. It’s all free, so I would seriously do some research on this. If you tell me what city you live in I can help you look.
As for your financial problems, are you paying a large tuition, or is it covered by loans? If you’re paying tuition, I would at least check with the college’s financial aid office to see if there is anything they can do to help you with your financial situation. You should tell them that you have been having a trouble with your finances ever since your boyfriend stopped helping you support your daughter.
Do you have a job, or are all your expenses being covered by child support and school loans? If you don’t have a job, then I would consider becoming a part time student and looking for a job. If you tell some professors that you need help supporting your daughter, it might help (professors have great connections).
If you’re not getting child support, then that should be the next step on your list. In NYC it’s very easy for someone to get child support without a lawyer. We even have an agency that enforces child support orders, so that you won’t have to deal with getting your boyfriend to pay up. Payments would go from your boyfriend to the collection agency and then to you. I don’t know if your state does this or not.
Lakai covered what I was going to say. You’re in a situation where you truly need some help, because it’s more than anyone can reasonably deal with on her own. There are organizations that offer help in every state; you may be able to find an advocate through your lawyer or the family court. It’s okay to ask for help when you’re in over your head. It doesn’t mean you’re not being strong enough.
It’s natural for you to worry about the effect all this is having on your daughter, but in the long run she’ll know that her mom was courageous enough to take action even when it was a tough thing to do.
I am so sorry for what you are going through – I am fortunate to be relatively secure and thought I would lose it when I started having panic; I can’t believe how strong you are to keep going with all of this. If you are a full-time student, is there a counseling office there? At least talk to someone and if it is outside of what the can help with, at least they will know of resources to refer you to.
Does your college have graduate-level programs in mental health counseling or social work? They may run a free or low-cost counseling center. Come to think of it, even if the college doesn’t have any of those programs, there still may be a counseling center.
Raising a baby while attending school full-time is a situation that would spread anybody extraordinarily thin, even if they had a *good *support system in place. Adding in the crazy ex, drugged-out mom and brother, and unsupportive friends, welp… it’d be more crazy if you weren’t freaking out.
This may not necessarily apply to you, but it’s common for sober (“normal”) people who are surrounded by users and abusers to feel so responsible for solving everybody else’s problems that they neglect to take care of their OWN mental health. Or, you may feel guilty because you don’t have those problems yourself, which may result in devaluing your own needs compared to theirs. Make sure you aren’t holding yourself responsible for the actions of those around you, as this can manifest in unintentionally self-destructive actions. You might even subconsciously seek out friends and boyfriends who are users, as a result. I am not a psych-anything, however, and you really need to discuss things with a therapist or counselor. You have pretty big problems of your own right now, and that’s where you need to focus.
Feel completely free to disregard the following suggestion, it’s just one of many possibilities. As far as changing your situation goes: have you considered putting school on the back burner? Getting a degree is a great goal to have. However, it’s extra-hard to do that with such a young child, without functional support, and with so much chaos in your life. Also, it’d be easier to focus on your grades in a few years when your daughter is in school herself. You’d also have more time to study and go to class during the day. Who’s been watching your daughter while you’re in class? Would they be able to watch her if you were working? I only suggest this because I lived off student loan disbursements for 4 years. It was fairly tough going, and I was a single young adult. So… no kid, no car, took seasonal jobs to keep afloat in summer, and lived with an endless parade of irresponsible roommates in relatively sketchy apartments. It’s beyond me how you can even afford to support a kid as a single mom while going to school full-time! But I congratulate you on making it this far.
Can I ask, why? What is it that tips you back into that bad state you describe, once things start improving? In particular, is it internal or external?
You can easily get your money back later, no questions asked (that’s what I did ) Anyway it took a few years of ups and downs to finally get over my depression (and I also got together with a girl for the first time - a major source of the depression was from feeling like a creep - now we’re married - I still feel unable to initiate new relationships but my wife said she wants to stay with me forever so that’s ok).
I’m still on a mood stabilizer (epilim) but I’ve stopped taking anti-depressants. BTW for many years I’ve stopped having orgasms (but still ejaculate) and I think the anti-depressants were to blame.
Thanks for all your advice, I will look into any programs like the ones you’ve described. I live in Sacramento, California. A police officer gave me a card and said she was with the domestic violence sector of the local police department, so I’ll call her and see if she knows of any programs.
I’m getting financial aid, plus my grandma who died of cancer last year left me some money in a trust fund to help me with school expenses. I don’t know where I’d be without that help, because I probably wouldn’t have been able to leave my ex without the money to pay for rent elsewhere. However it’s not a ton of money and the bills are high. I’m currently looking for a job. I should probably switch to going to school part-time, because I feel too distracted to get very good grades anyway, but it’s far enough in the semester where it would be bad news on my transcripts if I dropped, so I at least have to stick it out until May. I’m not getting child support, but I believe that has to wait until the child custody orders are made, which has to wait until the trial for the restraining order goes through. They don’t make this stuff easy.
Mostly external, I think. Something will happen with my brother. Or I go see my mom and she’s visibly not doing well. Or something else that I’m trying to do just doesn’t go as planned. Or I find out my ex is spreading a bunch of awful lies about me that he’s saying he’ll use in court. Smaller-scale things, but it doesn’t take much to take the wind out of my sail, I guess. It’s frustrating to keep feeling better only to feel worse again.
You should talk to your lawyer about getting child support now. I don’t know the law in California, but in NY I think you should be able to get child support if you’re the custodial parent, i.e., someone who lives with the child and is the child’s legal guardian. You can also get temporary child support in NY while your child support case is pending.
I looked up places in Sacramento where you can get help, and WEAVE looks like a decent agency. They have a support number you can call to ask about their services. You should ask them about whether you can start receiving child support now.
They have a list of services here, including legal services and counseling. You should definitely give them a call. If you get someone who you think is giving you poor advice, call them back at a different time. If you get the same person, ask to speak to someone else.
Ok, so what this means is you are giving these people - some of whom you clearly don’t like or respect - too much power over you. Allowing people who don’t love you to bring you down is giving them power they don’t deserve. You are not responsible for their opinion about you, so don’t pay so much attention to it. You seem a good person, so have more faith in yourself and your judgement of the right things to do.
Feeling bad when things ARE bad is not depression but perfectly natural, normal downheartedness. That said, like others have said there are some signs of depression, so definitely seek qualified professional help such as is within your means.
On a practical level it seems like if you can get a job and continue with school part-time, you’ll be on a great trajectory to live well enough and bring up your daughter well. Please let us know how things go for you!
Talking to the police officer to get referrals is a great idea, and seeing about a counsellor from school is another great idea, but one thing you need to keep in mind is that you would be some kind of weirdo if you didn’t feel huge stress from everything you’re going through right now.
You say you tell yourself that it won’t last forever, and that is a good message to keep giving yourself - it probably feels like your life is never going to get better, and the crap is just going to keep coming, day after day, but that isn’t actually the truth. The truth is that life always changes; the good news is that when you’re in the crapper, it usually changes for the better (because there isn’t much more room for worse). Each day gets you closer to the day when the things you’re dealing with will get settled. Along with therapy (talk and CBT), creating a few positive daily affirmations for yourself would also be a good idea (things like, “I can handle this,” and “Take it one day at a time”). It sounds like hippy-dippy crap, but positive affirmations are very good for your poor, tired brain.
I’m glad to see so many people are helping with advice and kind words.
Just wanna add that you can also pray for help and strength. It will not miraculously solve your problems, but you can get the strength to survive and come out of this.
Maybe it sounds weird or naive, but you can always give it a try. As long as you are honest and sincere in your prayers God will hear you. The key is not to have a fixed expectation or set demand of what kind of help you want.
Just ask for help and wisdom.
Extra:
What if feelings of unworthiness make us think that our prayers are not being heard?
Depression may cause us to conclude that our attempts to please God are not adequate. However, our heavenly Father is sensitive to our fragile emotions, “remembering that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14) Even if “our hearts may condemn us,” we can “persuade our hearts” that “God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.” (1 John 3:19, 20) Therefore, you can use expressions in your prayers that you glean from such Bible passages as Psalm 9:9, 10; 10:12, 14, 17; and 25:17.
What if we are too distraught to put our feelings into words?
When painful emotions are so overwhelming that rational speech is difficult, do not give up! Keep approaching “the Father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort,” knowing that he understands your feelings and needs. (2 Corinthians 1:3)
**
How does God answer our prayers?**
The Bible does not suggest that God removes all our difficulties now. However, God does impart the strength to cope with “all things”—including depression. (Philippians 4:13)
All great advice. I’ll just add that drugs can be short-term. A good psychiatrist will help stabilize you and get the feeling of doom out of the way so you can functionally address everything else. S/he’ll pull you out of the mire and put you on solid ground again.
I’m glad you’re reaching out to the police. Tell your school, tell your lawyer, tell a nearby church, tell the domestic violence shelter. The world wants to help you.
No wonder you’re depressed; you’re going through hell. It sounds like trauma could be a significant component of your issues. I second the advice to find a good psychologist/psychiatrist combo (and there are many community centers that provide these services on a sliding-scale fee system - maybe try googling ‘‘community mental health’’ in your area) and find some friends that can handle hearing about your life. My experiences were different but no less extreme and I had a lot of issues with reaching out to people for a long time. Looking back I realize they were fairweather friends; there are people out there who really care and many who relate and know what you’re going through - maybe try a support group. Have you heard of Meetup? You might try searching the site for meetups for domestic violence survivors, sufferers of depression, just groups where you’re likely to find people going through similar things.
Be sure to check whether your daughter is eligible for Medi-Cal, food stamps, and cash assistance (CalWorks/TANF). If she is eligible for Medi-Cal, you will also usually be eligible as the parent of an eligible child. There are exceptions for non-citizens, but if you are not a citizen and your daughter is, she can still be covered and still receive health coverage, food stamps (CalFresh) and cash assistance. And if you are not a citizen but want to be, there are programs that help victims of crime and DV.
You may not be eligible if you have too many assets, though you can spend down certain assets in certain ways.
There are probably legal aid clinics in your area that can at least point you in the right direction for programs/benefits.
) Anyway it took a few years of ups and downs to finally get over my depression (and I also got together with a girl for the first time - a major source of the depression was from feeling like a creep - now we’re married - I still feel unable to initiate new relationships but my wife said she wants to stay with me forever so that’s ok).