Even the softest TP can tear up your sensitive bits, if you have the Running Carbolic Shits (which is what my father always called it). Since I will get this ailment whenever I eat anything even remotely spicy*, I’ve learned all about it. One hint I can give you…during your first bout, after cleaning yourself, put a bit of A&D ointment or Vaseline on a fresh bit of toilet paper, and apply it to the balloon knot. This will make future emissions and cleanup much less painful. Keep doing this each time you clean yourself up. TRUST me, you will find life much easier to bear. You will probably still have some pain, but you will no longer be bursting into tears at each step.
My dad served in Korea. He has always insisted on the finest TP money can buy. He didn’t care how else my mother stretched the budget, but he had to have the good stuff where TP was concerned.
*This includes black pepper and any Allium family (onion, garlic, shallots, leeks, etc.) in a raw or only partially cooked state. Thus, I cannot have onions on my pizza. They’re not cooked, and even if I pick them off, the residual juice is enough to trigger an attack. Some restaurants preseason EVERY meat dish with pepper, as in, the meat arrives in their kitchen already saturated with black pepper. This means that I don’t eat at that restaurant. Some restaurants season every single vegetable dish with black pepper. Again, this means that I can’t eat at that restaurant.
Hehe at college that was one of my way of telling the years of the student. A freshman will grab a 4 pack and tuck it under the arm and run thorugh the checkout. A Sophomore or junior will nervously by a semi value pack. The senior will spend 20 minutes looking and squeezing before finally proudly walking out with a cubic yard of ass-cushiony goodness hiked on his shoulder.
Forgive me, but this has me giggling uncontrollably. And wincing.
I refuse to buy Charmin right now because of those damn bears, but I do not buy the household toilet paper. We too get the cases from Sam’s. They make good TP. Now if they’d just drop the bears-in-the-woods schtick…
[Hijack] Ooooooo…Are you talking about China Garden Buffet on Orchard Park? That is the BEST Chinese food in Greenville. They call that grill that Mongolian Bar. This elicits many many immature jokes from my friends and I. (I hope you are the one who lives in Greenville…Location tags,where are you?)[/Hijack]
BTW The OP was friggen hilarious!!! I thought I was the only person who had that problem.
I have one in the master bath and one in the bathroom on the main level. It will revolutionize your whole universe. Takes about 5 minutes to install, by the way.
I have more than my fair share of agonizing poops, thanks to a medical disorder when I’m sick and a love of jalapenos when I’m healthy.
I try to keep a pack of Preparation H Medicated Wipes in the bathroom. The very package says “Gentle, Everyday Cleansing to Soothe Irritation;” sound wonderful, don’t it? It’s meant for ‘hemorrhoidal and vaginal use’ according to the box, but it’s pretty soothing for any kind of discomfort. Even nice toilet paper can start to hurt after enough diarrhea, but think of the soothing cooling feeling of a soft moist medicated wipe… I’ll bet baby wipes would work pretty well too, in fact.
I really hate posting in this sort of thread, becasue my friends don’t know that I shit, but I must say decent toilet paper is one of life’s necessities. Believe me I’ve lived through tough times, but I’ve never tried to save money on asswipe. Surely now you see the error of your ways and you’re back to Charmin, no matter the price.
And once you’ve had the bidet seat attachment… you’ll never feel clean with a wipe, either. I hate using other people’s toilets now. My analogy is this: if you got poop on your arm, which would you choose to clean it off: dry toilet paper or pressurized water? Hmmmm…
