I am a member of the Australian Greens political party, I also have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I live in constant fear that one of my comrades will pop around and need the dunny and notice that instead of unbleached and recycled toilet paper I use 3 ply (usually printed with a marine motif… it costs the same as white so at least I am thinking of the plight of dolphins and tuna fisheries a few times a day). I keep trying the recycled and unbleached hoping it will have lost its edges and gained some strength but alas, it has not.
I don’t attempt to move the inevitable clogs with chemicals though
Of all the things I might have to feel guilty about, my choice in toilet paper is so low on the list it’d make your head spin.
That quote above was indeed Rabelias (sorry for the poor spelling if it is poor) … quoted in the classic Cecil column about what did people use before toilet paper.
Soap and hot water, actually. And I can carry a pocket pack of wipes into any toilet I like.
I do like the idea of the bidet seat attachment, if I could only figure out how to make the water warm - our water supply is way too cold for direct application to the nether regions. Shame it hasn’t got a built in blow-dry system either.
They make bidet seat attachments that do warm water. Frankly, I find the cold water to be soothing… even in the dead of winter when the water is reeeeally cold, it still feels nice.
But if you don’t mind spending $75-100 you can get one that can do warm water. Search ebay for bidets and you will find some.
Thanks for this, Opal. My daughter is disabled and has a bit of trouble cleaning herself up due to her limited fine motor skills. She manages OK, but uses a LOT of toilet paper and often suffers from, what I suspect may be, partially hygiene related pooty infections. Anyway, we went to a home show last weekend where I saw a similar bidet seat. Pretty cool, I thought. Except for the price – which was $1800.00!!! It didn’t occur to me to try eBay. But I certainly will now.
When I poop on my arm I usually just run it under the warm-air hand dryer. I figure that’s good enough. I had a dryer installed in my home bathroom for this very reason.
And for the OP, when I get shits that bad, there’s no point in trying to wipe 75 times. I give one wipe to clean up anything that may fall on the way to the shower, and then let soap and water do the rest.
Mr. Toes has “balloon knot” issues, too. He’s the only person I know that strips completely naked to take a shit. If Mr. Toes is not naked when going into the bathroom, he is when he gets out (sometimes he comes out wearing only his shoes). And afterwards Mr. Toes is all red and has sweat dripping off of him just like he ran a marathon. Sometimes he has to take a nap.
Somehow I find this endearing.
I bought Mr. Toes some baby wipes for his toilet exercises and now he thinks I’m a brilliant goddess. Just wait until be sees the bidet I’ve decided to install in our new house (Thanks Opal !)
Oh. My. God. I haven’t laughed that hard at an OP in, well, ever. I’m going to leave this window open and make The Cody read it. I was actually crying.
I love you.
Ahem. If I ever find myself in those kinds of situations, if two swipes with the dry stuff doesn’t work, I moisten my TP with water from the sink. Makes things work better.
turn on the faucet so no one can hear anything.
do the business.
wipe until clean.
take shaving cream cap I keep waiting on the edge of the tub, fill it with warm water, and pour it over my lady parts. Repeat.
Lather up my left hand with soap, also conveniently waiting on the tub.
Soap up the stuffs.
Rinse and repeat until fingers smell spring fresh.
Dry with my special towel.
moisturize.
AND
cover a q-tip with vaseline and clean the inside.
That’s right, clean the inside.
As long as I’m at home, I never leave the bathroom full of urine or toilet paper residue. I have issues.
I laughed.
I cried.
I sympathized as I recalled similar experiences with cheap TP during college days.
Thanks for such an entertaining post.
PS - Hope the “Roast Beef No-No Spot” has recovered. Tee Hee
I refuse to apologize. I swear, I’m like the annoying friend who “gets religion” when it comes to bidets. I tend to evangelize about them. I just can’t emphasize enough what a difference they make. I used to keep moist wipes (Cotonelle, to be specific) at the toilet, but now that seems maybe one rung up from using a pinecone or something. And you can almost always find one on ebay for $30-40… they install in minutes flat (the kind that go under your current toilet seat). The fancy seat ones with the heated seat and the warm air jets and so on… heh… yeah, maybe someday!!
