Remember last week, Spats told a joke about Bubba? Well, really it was about Fred. And this is how it goes:
A guy walks into a bar. This was in the days of old Mayor Daley. Not the current Mayor Daley, but his dad. Anyway, this guy walks in, greets a few people on his way in, sits down at the bar, chats with the bartender, orders lunch, and then greets his neighbor: “Hi, I’m Fred and everyone knows me.” The guy looks at him like he’s nuts. Fred says, “I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.” The guy is still stupefied, but sputters, “That’s impossible!” Fred asks him: “What do I have to do to make you believe me?” “Well, for starters, why don’t you prove that the mayor knows you.”
So they leave the bar (Fred says bye to several people on the way out), and walk over to the mayor’s office. On the way there, people greet Fred by name and ask him how he’s doing. The walk takes longer than normal.
They get to city hall and the guards are all “Hi Fred” and “How’s it going, Fred?” And then they get to Mayor Daley’s secretary, who greets Fred with a hug and tells him to go on in. The mayor gets up and greets Fred and asks how the family’s doing and they chat about mutual acquaintances. Fred asks his new friend, “So do you believe me now?” Our hero is a skeptic and says, “Well, I can see a lot of people know you, but that’s just in Chicago. How about the governor?”
So they go to Springfield and, since it’s pretty late, go straight to the Governor’s mansion. They stop at the gate and push the buzzer. The guard asks who it is and Fred says (what else?), “It’s Fred.” The gate opens and the guard says “Come on in, Fred.” The governor’s in the rec room, playing pool. They join him and shoot a few games. The governor chats with Fred and it’s clear they’ve known each other a while. Eventually, they leave and Fred asks, “What do you think? Do you believe everyone knows me?” “Well, that’s just Illinois. It might be more believable if we were in Washington and you could prove that the President knows you.”
Fred agrees that they’ll meet the next day at O’Hare and fly to Washington. Check-in is a breeze; everyone knows Fred and lets him go to the front of the line. The ticket agent chats with them and mentions that he’s putting them in first class, because it’s Fred and all. They board the plane and the pilot and crew all know Fred. All the people who board after them greet Fred by name, so it takes a while and the flight is a bit late leaving the airport. No matter. The pilot makes arrangements for a better flight plan because Fred’s on board, and when they get to Washington, they get off first, of course.
They take a taxi to the White House and the driver asks Fred how he’s doing and what he’s been up to since they last talked. “That was when I was still back home in Tunisia, right?” the taxi driver asks. Our friend is starting to realize that there are a whole lot of people who know Fred, but he’s a skeptic, so they keep going and the taxi drops them off at one of the White House gates. Normally, the guards check IDs really carefully and visitors have to be on a pre-approved list, but the guard sees it’s Fred and says “Any friend of Fred is a friend of mine,” and lets them pass through.
Everyone greets Fred as they head toward the Oval Office. Presidential aides go out of their way to shake Fred’s hand and catch up on Fred’s latest adventures. They get to the President’s secretary and she tells Fred, “Well, he’s in a meeting with his cabinet right now, but since it’s you, I’ll just go pull him out for a second.” So the President comes out to welcome Fred and invites them to join him for lunch. “And while you’re waiting for me to finish up, why don’t you take a little walk on the grounds, maybe catch a tour. Meet me back here around 12.” So they go for a walk. And everyone knows Fred. They think about going on a tour, but one of the staffers says “Let me give you a private tour. I’m sure the President won’t mind.” They have lunch, and everyone knows Fred. Fred looks at our hero and says “You’re not convinced, yet, are you?” Embarrassed, he responds, “Well, honestly? Not quite.”
So Fred says, “OK, I know what’ll make a believer out of you.” We’ll fly to Italy tomorrow and I’ll prove to you that everyone knows me. They leave the U.S. on Saturday and land in Rome early Sunday morning. They make their way to St. Peter’s Square and Fred tells his friend to wait for him on the square, he needs to go take care of some business. There are LOTS of people there because it’s almost time for the Pope to come out and give his Sunday blessing. As Fred walks away, people are saying hi to him. Everyone knows Fred. Our friend walks around a bit and then returns to the spot where he’s supposed to meet Fred. About half an hour later, Fred looks down from the balcony and sees lots of people milling about their meeting place. He goes back down there and asks what happened. One of the bystanders says: " I’m not sure. We were looking up at the balcony and all I said was ‘Who’s the guy in the beanie standing next to Fred?’ He just fainted dead away."
Happy Thursday!
