Hi folks. I’m thinking about going into business for myself, and in the unusual circumstance where I am wildly successful, I may eventually need an assistant. With that in mind, I have carefully crafted this questionaire in order to identify potential interview candidates.
If you are interested in applying for this non-existent job, please check the answers that most closely match how you would answer the question. If for some reason none of the answers match how you would respond, you may also add your own comments in the space provided.
Professional Experience
From my work experience, I have learned
To bcc damning e-mails to the boss using a co-worker’s computer.
That my Ivy-league degree can open the front door of Fort Knox, if I desire it.
That aerosol is a much better method of transmission than a mere powder.
____________________
When I come in late, I
Have it covered, because I made sure to leave a half-eaten bagel and a cup of coffee at my desk the night before.
Am willing to offer my body to the boss, so long as it stays unreported.
Am willing to offer my body to the boss, any time, for any reason, because he’s the sexiest thing since William Shatner.
____________________
The most important thing about any job is
The personal reward that success and excellence brings.
Free office supplies.
Sheeeeeit.
____________________
Situational Awareness
You are driving a Lexus in North West Washington, DC. You are
A drug dealer.
A diplomat.
An asshole.
____________________
You are delivering an important speech to a large body of your peers. You
Imagine everyone in the audience in their underclothes.
Imagine everyone in the audience in their garments.
Don’t wear underclothes.
____________________
You are at a party when a strange scent fills the room. In a corner are three people sharing a small, hand-rolled cigarette. When they see you watching them, they offer it to you.
Dude.
I wouldn’t accept it. Also, I’d report the person who gave it to me to the police.
I don’t have to listen to your lies.
____________________
Hobbies and Personal Interests
Rush
Pre-Signals.
Post-Signals.
Jennifer Jason-Leigh has a great ass.
____________________
Jackson Pollock
Yes, I vaguely remember this joke.
Could have kicked the living shit out of Andy Warhol.
Was the first American to orbit the earth.
____________________
I collect beer cans
But only pre-war cone-tops from the American Can Company.
Separately from the green glass and newspapers.
Under my computer table.
____________________
Personal Habits
I drink
Only distilled water, or rainwater, and pure grain alcohol.
My own urine, to stay fit.
Constantly.
____________________
I bathe
Regularly.
Compulsively.
In my own natural scent, mon ami.
____________________
I sometimes laugh
At other peoples’ misfortunes.
Out loud when I’m watching F-Troop.
When I mean to cry, sometimes followed by catalepsy.
____________________
Thank you for your participation. Feel free to e-mail this application to me, or proudly post it right here for all to see! If everything goes as planned, I’ll be in touch with you in a year or two.
