Or how about this one?
To give a smattering of replies without really addressing anyone…
I wouldn’t consider myself asexual. I feel very much hetero. Very much. I’m also quite convinced that she’s an outstanding addition to my life, should I choose to add an “outstanding addition” to my life. But therein lies the question.
We actually had a good long talk tonight. We’re both questioning. We’re both miserable considering the possibility of no longer being together. But we also find the questioning of it all to be quite telling. We’re going to reconvene tomorrow night and see where we both stand. I told her that I’d rather have a clean break than play around in wishy-washiness. She suggested that maybe we should just “take a break”. I told her that was a euphamism, and doesn’t fit the model of clean breaking. Right now, I’m leaning towards calling it quits.
ok…one direct reply…TroubleAgain: We decided to cross that line. We both really wanted to make that connection. It’s no longer even on the table as a factor in staying/breaking.
When you have that monkey, spank it.
[d&r]
Holy crap, man, I wish I was in a position to make that call! Not to say I would do things one way or another, but just to be in a position to make a choice. No matter how hard you try, getting into a great relationship is ultimately, IMO, a lot of luck and for those who have that special someone there are probably five lonely people looking. I would consider yourself fortunate, not because you are in a relationship, but because you have the freedom to either be in one or not be one. I can’t ‘choose’ to be in a relationship when none exists, so you have the upper hand here.
Holy crap, bluethree! After reading both your post and your profile, I was about to call up my ex-girlfriend (but still friend) and ask her if she’s posting under your name. Alas, she’s never been in the military or married. But what you said is something she would unequivocally and completely agree with and say herself. Wow.
Adam
The grass is always greener on the other side. The reason you’re starting to doubt things is (possibly) because while you were “sad and lonely”, it was familiar and predictable. Being with someone isn’t familiar and predictable, so you’re wanting to go back to comfortable territory.
If I were you, I’d mention this to her. Tell her, “It’s strange for me to adjust to having someone.” Tell her you WANT to be comfortable with her, but you’re not yet, and that you might need some time to become comfortable. Take things slow. VERY slow if you have to. I was with my girlfriend for about ten months before we had sex for the first time, for instance.
These are things that can be discussed, and in discussing them, you’ll (hopefully) find that they trouble you a lot less. Hell, for all you know, she’s having the same reservations.
Good luck either way, buddy.
I would agree with the above, but not necessarily with the below:
Obviously, you need to be with someone with whom you enjoy conversing, even about mundane stuff. The fact that you occasionally “feel pressured to call and talk about mundane stuff” does not mean your relationship is doomed. Men, in general, don’t like to talk about mundane stuff as much as women do.
Often a man, because he loves the woman he is with/wants to be with her, engages in more “mundane” conversation than he would ordinarily choose to participate in, because he knows it is important to her. Often a woman will choose to tell a female friend certain details of her day that she spares her man, because she knows he doesn’t enjoy quite as much in-depth analysis of daily events/work/kids/whatever as much as said female friend.
This, as a generalization, is just a fact of life. Both sides can compromise for a happy ending. I personally don’t understand how some men can get through life with so few words. My mother says it’s as if someone’s charging my father by the word. 
I know a very nice, very respectful guy who thinks of his nightly phone call with his girlfriend as “relationship maintenance” rather than something he would always choose to have.
All the men I’ve been with have smilingly put up with the numerous details I provide about my day/my mother/the partners in my office/etc. etc. in order to keep me happy. Presumably, I have redeeming qualities. 
So anyway, just my thoughts on that part of it.
Good point, tesseract. What can I say – I’m a girl, and the last couple of men I’ve dated have been big talkers, Og bless 'em – but, yeah, chitchat may never come naturally to all guys.
Above all, remember this:
There are no rules.
Do not attempt to define a relationship by some “generally acknowledged” set of standards. It took me a long time to realize this (I’m 48, divorced for 5 years, and have been in a number of relationships since the divorce).
I’ve been in your shoes; it’s like “buyer’s remorse”. You get what you think you want, then you start to question it. I think that’s pretty normal.
In my case, I’ve met someone that is absolutely terrific…but by any so-called “normal” standards, it’s an unusual relationship. We’re committed to each other, but we recognized early on that we both value our solitude to a high degree. When we get together…fireworks. And I’m not just talking about the physical side of the relationship; it’s emotional, intellectual, physical…hell, we like just hangin’ out. But it doesn’t kill us to be apart, either. I’d like to think it’s a level of emotional maturity that I’ve finally reached; I don’t know if that’s true or not.
And we have never, ever, spoken on the phone. Ever.
Bottom line? If it works for the two of you, go for it. Don’t impose some arbitrary set of this-is-how-it-should-work rules on things; it will invariably screw things up
You misspelled “ever”.
I’ve never been bothered by the 20 minute “how was your day” response, because I’ve always been into the women I had relationships with and was generally interested in hearing the clutter that is a woman’s mind.
But for a while I was housemates with a friend, and for a while I was single while he had a girlfriend who moved in with us. I liked her a lot; she was friendly, and into many of the same things I was. (But that Dave Matthews fixation was exasperating.) But our schedules were such that I was home at 5:30, she got home around 6:00, and he got home around 7:00.
So, of course, I was the recipient of her 20 minute soliloquy (sp?) on how her day had gone. This was the first (and only) time I had ever experienced this from a woman who was not my girlfriend or close platonic friend. And you know what I learned? That conversation is a nightmare. Women process their day verbally. In effect, this conversation is akin to having a verbal bowel movement. I did not enjoy those conversations at all. I’d be trying to watch tv or mess around on the computer, and still trying to be polite to her, because I did think she was kinda cool, but it was sheer torture.
Every day. 20 minutes of my life I would never get back. Not even any sex to ease the pain.
The horror.
My plea to women everywhere: do not ever have this “conversation” about your day with your boyfriend’s rommate, because that’s just not cool.
BAD MONKEY!!!
Odd. Maybe we just want to prove something to ourselves instead of actually get a girlfriend.
I have largely got the ‘I need a girlfriend’ monkey off my back and i’m essentially comfortable with my situation. But some of the women I approached when I was really searching have been giving me signals but I just ignore them and I am not interested in them now. Who knows why we act to irrationally.
I love it when women do that to me, it makes me feel like they want me to be a part of their day to day lives by showing who/what they are and what they go through. Its kinda demeaning if they treat you like their doormat platonic friend but if you can avoid that then its pretty nice.
I agree, and I really do enjoy those talks with girlfriends and platonic girl friends.
What really bugged me out was that she was my housemate’s girlfriend, and after a couple weeks of this verbal barrage every day, I had to start hiding from her after work or going to a bar to delay getting home.
I was a captive audience, and I couldn’t figure out a way to tell her how I felt without it queering the friendship I had with her, thereby making waves in my friendship (and living arrangement) with my buddy.
Heh, I’m married and I feel this way sometimes. Of course I love my husband (he really is terrific) but being in any sort of relationship takes a lot of work. Plus, once the thrill of the chase wears off, you kind of think, “this is it?”.
I really, really loved being single. Being a control freak, I loved being able to travel at any whim, spend money on whatever I wanted, spend time with a wide range of people. Now my independence is limited and I have to admit that I feel trapped and stifled sometimes.
There are pluses and minus to both situations and it takes a lot of guts to admit to yourself and to your SO that you have doubts and concerns. I know my husband is the right guy for me, but that knowledge doesn’t stop me from still wanting to be my usual independent self. For the record, he feels exactly the same and it took a lot of tweaking in our lives to work out a shared life where we can continue certain freedoms (I’m not talking about an “open” marriage, I mean hanging out with friends individually, taking separate trips, having separate bank accounts, etc). After almost two years, we’re a lot happier and healthier.
It sounds like you can discuss your concerns with her and that’s a damn good thing. If you can work out “alone time” without insecurity on both parts, you could have a really good thing and the best of both worlds. Good luck!!
Hahaha. Ah, yeah I guess that would get bad. I don’t get along well with people that talk ‘too much’ either. A 10 minute conversation is mostly all I can handle at a time.