Now that I've finally got a girlfriend, I'm not sure I want her.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Are there any perpetually single guys out there (i.e. I’m about 10 years +, now in my mid-30s) who finally, after all the sadness and lonliness, finally caught themselves a sweetie, and then found themselves about a month in saying “wow, I think I’m happier being sad and lonely”?

I found her. I fought for her. I got her. She’s everything I’ve ever dreamed about. But after all these years, I think maybe I’m better off being sad and lonely and simply being focussed on me.

Does that make any sense to anyone? Please tell me it does. Please.

2

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Welcome to my world buddy. I’m not sure what it is but I do the exact same thing.
It’s kind of like those dogs that like to go chasing after cars. It’s like what the heck would those dogs do with those cars if they actually caught one?

3

Well, at least you got the I-can’t-find-a-girl monkey off your back. That’s a bad monkey to have.

4

It’s happened to me a few times (online, not off, sadly. Or maybe gladly? Not sure) and since I’ve always been rather ordinairy, I imagine this phenomenon is as well.

Not that I like it. I hate it, in fact. Having my feelings change so rapidly is disorienting and every time it’s happened, I’ve spent weeks worrying that it might be the norm and not the exception. And so far, it has been.

Bleh.

5

You’re probably just not used to having someone else share your life.

Its tough not having the sort of privacy you’re used to, but I think that if you give it some time, it’ll work out. Just take it slow.
:slight_smile:

This reminds me of the story about the wife who never knew her husband was a drunkard, until he came home sober one night.
:stuck_out_tongue:

6

(Girl weighing in, here). I’m not sure being with someone is any better or worse than not being with someone. It’s just different. There are different good things about it and different bad things about it. If you were expecting it to be better, that’s maybe why you’re confused. Focussing on someone other than you for a little while might not be the worse thing for you. You’re just not used to it yet. Change is hard; you might not like it all at once, but it is inevitable. You can never go back to being sad and lonely, just like you were before. Now you would be alone having given up a relationship with a woman you tried hard to get. That’s not the same thing at all.

7

Disclaimer: I am not a man, but there’s nothing I don’t know about fear of commitment issues.

First off, I think you should accept that your being sad and lonely pre-girlfriend has nothing to do with not having a girlfriend, and if you thought it was, it was just a projection. You sound as if you have been focussing all your dissatisfaction on the fact that if you had a girlfriend, your life would be perfect and you’d be happy, which hasn’t happened.

The beginning of a relationship is always stressful after that first “I’m madly in love! Let’s spend every minute of the day together! Every day!” feeling wears off, particularly for people who are used to spending a lot of time on their own. I’ve learnt that you just have to work through it, and dilute the intensity a bit. Some people need more time alone than others, and if you are feeling suffocated, you need to carve out a little space for yourself. But don’t throw something away now, after a month, that you may regret later. Maybe you are happier on your own, but give it a little more time.

The other thing to consider is that presumably your girlfriend’s feelings are engaged also: the message you are giving to her if you bail out now is that the fun of the chase was great, but you can’t really be bothered now: you made her think she was worth it, but actually, she’s not.

There is an unspoken assumption in new relationships that you have to be deliriously happy to spend your entire time together. Why is it that if you tell your friends you can’t be bothered to go out and want to stay at home in front of the TV, they can think that you are annoying and boring, but not feel that it reflects in any way on them personally, but that doesn’t work in relationships? (this could easily turn into a mini-rant all of its own).

When you’ve been used to wallowing in your own thoughts and/or misery for a long time, it can be really hard to adjust to taking someone else’s feelings into consideration all the time. Be patient, don’t put too many expectations on this relationship, and wait to see if things work out before you take any drastic steps.

8

I’m a woman in my late thirties, and I’m definitely happier without a man in my life.

But I’m neither sad nor lonely, either. I revel in living alone and doing what I want when I want to. Just going on a shopping trip with anyone else irritates me, because when I want to walk left, he or she wants to walk right. I enjoy aloneness so much that I could probably get by with just a few hours a week spent in the company of other people.

Everyone in this thread is encouraging you to give the relationship more time because relationships are so great. Not me. I say readjust your thinking about being unattached. If relationships have never been good for you, why do you think you want another one?

Only you know whether you’d rather be in a relationship or out of one.

9

Yeah, “sad and lonely” was a bit much. I was quite content. But I wanted someone to share my contentedness with. It was many years before I stumbled across someone that I figured would be a great person to share that contentedness with. Turns out, I was right. But now I feel a little less content, and a little less willing to share the contentedness I still have.

I appreciate all of your opinions. I am going to stick with it a little longer and see if it’s just the deep, sore, achiness of adjustment to some new ways and leaving behind some old ways. It could be just change; I can’t really be sure. I hope so, because I love her dearly (it’s ok for me to be using that word already…we’ve been best friends for quite some time).

bluethree: thanks for your advice too. I may just go your route. But I’m going to stay in it for now because I don’t know what I’m feeling. I can always break up with her later. I can’t break up and and decide that I want it back.

10

Yeah, if someone can explain this… I’m kinda in the same boat as the OP, but didn’t really have a “girlfriend”. A co-worker tried to hook me up with this girl at work. I called a couple of times, we went out once. She works three jobs, so we never really got another chance to go out. Our schedules really conflicted you see. But anyway, we’ve talked since then, and I found it to be really, really difficult. Not so much that I didn’t know what to say, but I felt as if I didn’t want to be doing this (I’m not gay, and I do love women). I’ve never had a girlfriend for the whole 24 years of my life, I get a shot at it, and I want nothing to do with it? I kept telling myself that I was better off alone and unattatched. The pressures to call, and talk, about mundane things seemed well… bleh. I must say, even though I sometimes want something long term, and always have wanted something long term when I was younger, I feel I’ve conditioned myself to being alone. I’m set in my ways, and it seems a relationship (known as lockdown between friends) is not an option for my introverted personality. I wish it could be, and maybe I’ll change (only god knows how, and I don’t even believe in him), but I wouldn’t even know where to start. I’m so screwed.

11

About 1% of adults are asexual, according to a new study.

12

Heh, I was sad and lonely, then had a few girlfriends. I felt sad each time when we broke up, but it was also a blessing. Now I get horny, but rarely sad and lonely.

13

I don’t know about the OP, but I myself have a strong interest in forming a relationship with a women, as well as having sex with them. I just can’t stand to be tied down. My shyness has crippled me. I want to change, but it’s frustrating as hell. I guess it’s the whole sharing my feelings or something… Having been alone for so long will do that to you, doesn’t mean I’m asexual.

14

If you’re feeling pressured to call, she’s not the right woman for you. Hang on until you find someone you enjoy talking about mundane stuff with.

I’m 49, and have spent more of my life out of relationships than in them – but all the relationships have been with men I enjoy just hanging out with doing nothing in particular. If there’s not that friendship connection, don’t try to force it.

15

Yeah, maybe that’s it. How would I know? I’ve never known what it’s like to know that it’s right.

16

Standup Karmic, I’m not sure what to tell you. Maybe you weren’t made for a relationship. But considering how wonderful you have expressed her to be, and what you’ve been willing to overlook to continue a relationship with her, I’m guessing this is a passing thing. If not, and you give it more time and feel the same way, be careful, very careful when you break up with her to explain exactly why you’re breaking up, and that it has nothing at all to do with her problem. She probably won’t believe you anyway, but you have to try.

17

I echo alot of this stuff. Really loved zephyrine’s first paragraph.

I would add that you can love this lady, have found her, fought for her, won her & found that she isn’t right for you. Remember the old joke “Show me the most beautiful married woman on earth and I will show you a man who is tried of boinkin’ her” …If you ‘caught’ Pam Anderson/Angelina Jolie etc could you see it not working out ? I can (it would sure be fun to find out tho :wink: ).

My point is just because you wanted her doesn’t mean you were right for her or she for you. It doesn’t mean someone “better for you” isn’t out there. You thought you saw her as right, you tried it, if you give it a fair try and it doesn’t work out, maybe it means nothing more than you now know what doesn’t work for you — even though you thought it did.

18

I did a similar thing recently. Really wanted a girlfriend, had never had one before, found a wonderful girl, fought for her, caught her, and we went out for a month before we both started having doubts and she dumped me.

As has been said here before, we often think our lives will somehow be much better or much worse or really fundamentally different when we’re attached to someone, and it’s tough when we find out it doesn’t work that way. That certainly happened with the relationship I described above.

We go into relationships for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes for the wrong ones. I think I went into my relationship because I recently turned 18 and I felt that taking some responsibility for the feelings of someone else would make me an adult. Ever since I could remember, I thought of adulthood as an exclusive club that I longed to belong to, but couldn’t. Now I think I’m a member of that club, but not because of some superficial initiation process such as relationships or sex or drugs or coffee or beer or responsibilities; rather, because I’ve realized that being an adult is a mindset, not a collection of activities. I don’t know why you went into your relationship, and you probably don’t either. Maybe it was a good reason and maybe it was a bad one. But you’re there, and now that you know that what you’re feeling is normal, it’s up to you to decide how to act on it. I commend your decision to stick it out until you’re certain, because it’s certainly a lot easier to get rid of something you have than to reacquire something you lost, if it ever comes to that point. Best of luck.

19

I like that.

20

The asexual link didn’t work for me, so I googled:

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TECH/science/10/14/asexual.study/index.html