Yeah, I got new pants just the other day. I don’t know where they went, though… sometime in between the 17 cases of vodka I downed and the orgy, I misplaced them. I suspect that they were poisoned by the radioactivity after the nuke I built went off… I should have known better than to use chewing gum in the fuselage.
They were comfy, too. The pants, I mean. The bomb was too long in the legs.
So who do you enjoy being around?
My friend Martin…he’s such a wacko. One time, he asked me to wake him up early, so feeling rather silly that morning, I decided to wake him by sticking a pickle in his anus. You should have seen his face! Man, I wish I had a camera, it was priceless. There was this other time, he asked me to drive him to the mall, and I punched him in the nuts. Oh, I laugh just thinking about it! ::sigh::
So, how’s the SO?
Not too good. I was nibbling on her nipples last night, bit too hard, made a hole and she deflated.
How’re the kids?
The kids? adjusting pants
You mean the ahem ones that I know about? Heh heh.
They’re a bunch of rotten bastards, I tell ya. Feed me, buy me clothes, please put the heat on. Yadda yadda yammer yammer. I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I sold them to Nike in exchange for a timeshare in Belize. I love that place. Hot and cold running applesauce, beautiful floor tiles on the roof, and the windows are all made out of walls.
Did you ever get that old car running?
Car’s running good now. Replaced the old Yugo engine with a nuclear pile. Bought the stuff surplus from some Ukrainian guy last week, we hung out and did some shots with some guy with a mustache named Some Damn or sumpthin’, nice guy, though - said something about Israel, guess he’s Jewish. Anyway, reinforced the shocks, though I hadda remove some of that lead sheathing, too heavy. Everything looks brighter now, even the sea when I drive over the bridge (WTF is Cherenkov radiation?). maybe it’s just my new contacts - can’t wear glasses anymore, Friday my right ear fell off.
How about those Vikings?
Fucking vikings beached here on Sanibel last weekend and raped all the chickens. Gotta start from scratch with the chicken crops now. Thank God they didn’t see the ostriches.
How’d that date you went on the other night go?
Not too well. He was okay with the electric nipple clamps, but when I told him to lick the cat’s butt clean, he got a little weirded out…oh well, wasn’t meant to be…(not that I want a guy who wears his underwear UNDER his pants).
So…how do you like my new hat?
It really brings out your eyes. Did you remember to line it with tinfoil to block the Martian mind control rays? I attach the foil with Crazy glue, and I’ve only attached my fingers 3 times this month. it smelals so good, too - helps me think. My hat has a water-activated shower curtain pop out, so I stay nice and dry.
Did you get those shoes to match?
Well, I wanted to, but they only came in size 1700, and I am not about to shell out -4 rubles for them. But I did get the kleenex box to alert me the next time I find a pair of orange leopard print mittens.
How is school going?