Obnoxious Answering Machine Message

Actual transcript of message:

[about 20 seconds of music]

Sorry I’m not available, leave your name number and a brief message and I’ll think about getting back to you. Don’t take it personal if I don’t return your call.

[another 15 seconds of music]


Hi it’s me. Call me.



You know, it’s “personally”, not “personal”, you numbskull.



Hi. It’s your brother, the one serving overseas in the Navy. I got one call before we go on maneuvers. I wanted to say hi, but instead, I think I’ll ask the operator to reverse the carges, you dumb arrogant bitch!


So what’s the problem?
Do you absolutely guarantee that everyone that leaves a message for you, you will return?
What if they’re someone you don’t want to speak to?
What if it’s a telemarketer, would you call them back?
I think this person is just being honest.

(Although the 20 seconds of music is bad).

My boss, a wrestling fan, used use whatever the “entrance” song for his favorite wrestler was at the time on his machine. * In its entirety! * A three minute song before the beep. It drove me bat shit whenever I had to call him, which due to the nature of my job, was often, and he always screened his calls. So, at least three times a day, I had to listen to “American Badass” all the way through before being able to tell him what we needed. (We employees seriously entertained the idea of breaking into his house and smashing his machine.)

This one that so many people find so funny is just freakin’ annoying:

Hello?(pause) Hello?(pause) Oh, hi! (pause) I’m not home right now. . .

My grandfather had this message:

Hello. I’m an answering machine. When you hear the beep, talk to me.

damnit Biggirl you beat me to it…that’s what I was going to post. Oh well, just shows that great minds think alike.

Well, as long as they don’t take it personal when I don’t leave a message and scratch them off my “people I have any interest in talking to again” list.

[spastically friendly voice]

"To leave a message for little johnnie, press 5 because dontcha knowit, the little guy turned 5 last week! Ain’t that CUTE?

To leave a message for Tiffany, press 1. She might have trouble calling back, though … the phone’s just a little too high for her to reach when she stands up ALL BY HERSELF!

To leave a message for Elaine, press 9.

To leave a message for me, press 7.

And to leave a message for little Fido, press [bark bark bark] three! Yuo, that’s right! Little guy can count to three! [said while dog continues to bark] Ain’t that just SO CUTE?


My personal favorite is from L.A. Story.

Phone rings, Steve Martin picks it up

Steve: Hi, this is Steve. I’m here right now, so start talking after the beep.

plays a ‘beeeeep’ noisemaker into the phone

Emma: pause Umm… hello?
Steve: Yeah, Hi! What’s up?

My brother has a message thats about 40 seconds long on his cellfone. 40 seconds is annoying normally, but when you’re paying for the call? Too dam long. Especially as I spend a good 20 secs abusing his choice of message

My wife’s portable has a message like that, manx. The worst part is that it’s the automatic message for her phone, designed by the phone company to maximize costs for anyone calling her. “Hello… this… is… NTT… portable… phone… service… … The… number… 1…2…3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… 9… 10… is… not… answering… … please… leave… a… message… … with… your… name… and… a… number… where… you… can… be… reached… after… the… tone… … after… leaving… your… message… … please… press… the… pound… key… … Thank… you… for… using… NTT… … … … beep

Long messages are annoying, but short ones are too:


That barely gives me enough time to register that I’m talking to an answering machine and not a person, and if I wasn’t expecting a machine, then it takes an awkward second or two to rephrase what I was planning to say into a message.

Ooooo–I just hate it when people have their little kids make the recording for their machine. Half the time you can hear the parent either giggling in the background or telling the kid what to say. God it’s annoying!!!

I once contemplated using a variation of that.

"Hello, I’m the refrigerator. The answering maching isn’t available right now but if you give me the message I’ll put it up on my door.

short pause

There’s supposed to be a ‘beep’ here somewhere. Lessee…ah, there it is."


<eyes of laura mars>
“If you’re not a horny creep
(giggling in background)
Leave your message at the beep”
</eyes of laura mars*>

*finalist in the category of “Incredibly Self-Indulgent and Unintentionally Hilarious Movies”, starring Faye Dunaway and Tommy Lee Jones.

Hey, this is you know who. I’m not you know where, so leave a message after the you know what. Beep

That is essentially my little sister’s AIM away message.