The ones that kill me are those with painfully long pauses between the message and the beep…
Hi, this is Me, I’m not home so please leave a message after the beep
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beeeeeep
“Believe it or not, George isn’t at home
Please leave a message at the beep
I must be out or I’d pick up the phone
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home!
BEEEEP”
Damnit Kaspar, I know you’re just screening your calls, now pick up!
Also bad is the ultra low budget answering machine where the message recorded on there sounds like it was shouted through a tin can and string telephone.
My friend Allison’s is cool:
Esprix
Anyone else remember those commercials that pushed tapes full of annyoing messages?
(to the tune of Beethoven’s Fifth)
“Nobody’s home, nobody’s home…”
I wonder if anyone ever used those.
I once came up with my own rap-style message but never the guts to actually use it.
"You have reached
the home of Jeff.
Since you got my machine,
I must have left.
So I can call you
when I get home,
Please leave a message
after the tone.
One more thing,
I forgot.
I might be home now
and I might be not.
If I’m not or if I am,
I’ll call you back soon as I can."
Sorry I’m not available, leave your name number and a brief message and I’ll think about getting back to you. Don’t take it personal if I don’t return your call.
beeeep
Dude, I don’t think you’re sorry. Don’t take it personal.
beeeep
Long ago my answering machine would play this message:
Those beeps that preceed ‘This is a recording’ type messages
We’re sorry. You have dialed an imaginary number. Please hang up, rotate your phone 90 degrees and attempt your call again.
beep
It was amazing how many times people left two messages. The first said ‘Oops’ and the second was their real message.
It now says: “Hello. I will not insult your intelligence by pretending that you need instructions in how to use an answering machine. Have at it. beep”
My favorite message was from Monty Python: “Hello, you’ve reached the Monty Python Silly Voice Preservation Society. You may leave your donation after the beep.”
In college I had:
“Hello. I am a recording, and pretty soon, you will be one too.”
Those are annoying, but that’s a fault of the old single micro-cassette answering machines. The outgoing message and incoming messages are on the same tape, so it’s gotta fast forward itself through any unplayed incoming messages before it can record.
What I particularly hate is those fucking computer automated telephone answering systems… both the ones with primitive voice-recognition technology and the ones where you have to type the first 86 digits of pi followed by 5 letters of the party’s last name (followed by the pound, natch) in order to get subdirected to another menu, where you have to punch in yet more letters of the family name, followed by pound, and then of course, you realize, “How the fuck do you spell Krzysztowski?” Not surprisingly, the computer shrieks “Invald entry! Try again.” And you do. Same shit, same results. Try again. So you get sneaky and start thinking “Maybe if I dial zero, I can get a live operator.” The computer catches wind of your wily ways, gets pissed at your attempted subterfuge, chides, “That is an invalid extension. Goodbye!” and abruptly hangs up on you.
I miss humans.
My machine is failly annoying/amusing. I usually get the urge to change the message at 5 am after some alcohol consumption.
"…We’re no…ot able to take your call right now. But, uh, merry christmas, I guess. " beeep.
Was the music any good?
<Dead Milkmen>"(bad guitar solo) I’m so bored I’m drinkin’ bleach. I’m so bored I’m drinkin’ bleach. I’m so bored I’m drinkin’ bleach. I’m so bored I’m drinkin’ bleach. I AM SO BOOOORR~~"</Dead Milkmen>
~~beep!
There’s some good ones on here, but yah, the one in the OP would kind of offend me a little.
Some of my favourites that I’ve come across in the past include:
“You know what to do” beeeep
"Hey thanks for calling. If I could have answered your call…I would have. Leave a message."beeep
I hate it when people do something to their answering message that doesn’t tell me a damn thing about who I’m calling.
For instance, someone I know once tried to record the Swedish Chef song as his cell phone answering message. It didn’t come out right, and it sounded like the phone was being jangled around in someone’s pocket. The song was also fairly long, so I was sitting there going “Hello? Hello?” and then finally hanging up. Once I sat through the entire thing (must’ve been the third time I called), I was slightly irritated.
This is so-and-so. Please call me at the office at “123-456-7890” or my cell phone which is “123-456-7890” or my car phone which is “123-456-7890”. If you want to reach my buddy so-and-so, he can be reached at home at “123-456-7890” or on his cell phone at “123-456-7890” or his office at “123-456-7890.”
By the time I finish hearing all that, I don’t ever want to leave a message. Or call that person again.
Can we also take a moment to spew an ounce on annoyance at bad incoming messages? My phone number is similar to some business’s. Once in awhile, another business will misdial and get my machine instead. They are usually very good at leaving the important details: who is calling, who is the intended recipient of the message, the subject matter of the call, and a return number. Just smurfy!
If it sounds somewhat urgent (like it would be bad if they were waiting for someone to return the call who never will), I’ll call them back so they know to try again.
Recently though, I got the message:
“…Dark laundry! You can put it over there… Hello? This is John Doe, could somebody call me back? My number is 123-4567.”
Please, for the sake of good communicaiton, include: Who, what, when and a return number. The guy gets points for making an extra effort to clearly enunciate his name and number – but I’ve no idea what that message was about, if it’s even for me or if it was a wrong number. Not calling back. Hope it wasn’t urgent for the guy.
You’ve reached the number you dialed. >beep<
Which, I guess, is the reason you have to talk to their answering machines … 
A message someone once left on my answering machine. It was several years ago, and it didn’t make me mad, but cracked me up because it obviously was not meant for me:
beeeeep
{heavy snottiness and anger in person’s voice}
Hi, your CAT is on our fence again!!! We told you about this before!!! If you don’t keep him off we’re going to call the POLICE!!!
THANK YOU!!!"
We didn’t have a cat, and we lived out in a remote area of town on about 20 acres of land, and had only one neighbor across the dirt road from us and neither of us had a fence.
I’ve always wondered about who left the message, and why they didn’t make sure they had the right number.
Oh, and I had worked at the college at the time, so it’s not as if my outgoing message wasn’t completely clear regarding who I was, and how to get ahold of me if I weren’t at home.
I love it!!! But then again, I’m probably in the minority here. Also, it would only work if your name sorta rhymed with left, or if you could find good substitutes for that part.