Ours is:
Thank you for calling this number.
If you are bleeding heart liberal who wants us to pay for whatever plan you think would solve the world’s problems, please press 1.
If you are a family values conservative who cannot bear the thought that we might be having fun without your approval, please press 2.
If you intend to hang up or leave a message that says nothing about who you are, or why your calling, or how to reach you, please press 3.
For all other calls, wait for the tone.
Mine is:
**"You have reached (my number).
I cannot come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message, I will get back to you as soon as possible.
Thank you very much."**
This is kind of a joke between my buddies and me. I’ve had the same message on my answering machine for 16 years. Whenever I get a new phone or answering machine, I take great pains to reproduce the same exact message as closely as possible. It sounds both mechanical and stern at the same time, which is what I’m aiming for. Personal friends often leave their messages in the exact same tone of voice and cadence as my message. It cracks me up.
Also, in case somebody from work calls, my home message doesn’t sound weird or whimsical, which would not amuse my workmates.
“[Montoya]. Go.”
Mine is simply.
Cell phone: “You’ve reached Flutterby. Please leave your name and number after the beep and I’ll get back to you. Thank you.”
Home phone: “You’ve reached the (lastname) residence. Please leave your name, number and a message after the beep and we’ll get back to you. Thank you.”
I used to do weird messages on my cell, until I started job searching and just gave out my cell as my number since I wasn’t always home when they called. Then it was “Hello you’ve reached Flutterby’s advice line. Today’s advice is, do not anger dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.” and the advice would change as I deemed. That one got my friend’s to suggest that I let them record the message. “You’ve reached Flutterby’s advice line. She didn’t take her own advice and cannot come to the phone right now, so leave a message and she’ll call back when she heals.”
Hi. You’ve reached [phone number]. Leave a message and we’ll call you back.
Yeah, it’s boring, but we both hate cutesy messages.
“Hey there, you’ve reached anamnesis. I’m sorry I couldn’t get to the phone right now, but I’m sure you had a good reason to call me, so let me know what that reason is and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!”
Would you believe people tell me I’m cocky? 
Even though I live alone, my message is “Hi, you’ve reached the Zippers. Leave a message!” They say it’s not a good idea for a young lady living alone to say on her answering machine that she lives alone.
And even though my machine clearly says “The Zippers,” people (real people, not machines) STILL leave messages for Nick & Cynthia, who’s last name is CLEARLY NOT “ZIPPER”!!!
You have reached [my number].
“This is Jim Rockford. Leave your name and number at the tone, and I’ll get back to you. <beeeeep>”
No, but when I get my new phone this spring, that will be what it is.
“Hello, you’ve reached the office of Dr. [Shoshana]. I do not have openings in my practice at this time. Please return to your referral source if you need more names. This is a confidential voicemail system. You may leave a message after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I do not check for messages on nights and weekends. If this is an emergency, please call [local crisis service] at XXX-XXXX or go to your local emergency room. The emergency room for [city] is located on X Street between Y and Z streets. Thank you for calling. Goodbye.”
“Hello, you’ve reached the office of Dr. [Shoshana] at X University. This is a confidential voicemail system. You may leave a message after the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I cannot return long distance calls from this number. If you prefer, you may e-mail me at XXXXXXX@XXX.edu. My office hours for X term are Xday, 4:00-6:00 PM. Thank you.”
“This is XXX-XXXX.” Please leave a message at the tone. Thank you."
Mine is lame: “Hi, this is Angel and I can’t come to the phone right now. So, please leave your name, number, and a brief message- I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks! Have a nice day!”
“Know this: I have my finger poised a millimeter away from the delete button, so make it fast and interesting.” BEEEP.
“Hi, it’s Hazel. I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message I’ll call you back! Anyonghaseyo, Yunju hendupon-imnida. Meseji namgyojusimyun dahi junhwa durilgeyo!”
I don’t get a lot of phone calls from Korea, but for some reason my friends get a kick out of hearing me speak Korean, so I humor them.
Hey, KneadToKnow. It bounced. You want us to tear it up, send it back, or put it with the others?
My cell voice-mail message says:
“Hi, this is MBG (well not really, but let’s use that), I know I missed your call, I see it right here labeled “Missed call”. Don’t leave me a message, that will waste time neither of us have. Wait til I can get free, and I’ll return your call”
Mine’s too boring to even recount, but I’m fond of a friend’s subtle innovation [emphasis added]:
“You have almost reached Jessica…”
whatever standard message comes with the answering machine. It doesn’t get more boring than that.
“you’ll have to leave a message.”
For years I had the following:
[Twilight Zone theme music]
[In my best Rod Serling impression] Picture this if you will. A young man living alone in the city of the future. And in his home is a device that can record your name, phone number, and message. Unlikely? Impossible you say? But not for Commasense, who has The Twilight Phone.
[TZ theme ends: Baaahhhh, duh duh duh duh dum.]