I do a lot of calling in my job, and often I get answering machines. Today, I got this gem:
"You brighten my life like a polystyrine hat, but it melts in the sun like a life without love, and I’ve waited for you, so I’ll keep holding on without you.
This is person, leave a message."
WTF??? It did get me to thinking, however. What are some funny sad or just plain weird messages you’ve heard on answering machines?
I like my answering machine message personally.
“Hello, you’ve reached the ****** residence.
To leave a message for Steven, press *1 now.
To leave a message for Melissa, press *2 now.
To leave a message for any of the children, Alexis, Serra, Ryan or Emily, press *3 now.
To hear this recording again, hang up and call back.”
Enjoy,
Steven
“Short and sweet, wait for the beep.”
“You have reached the number of xxxxxxxxx, the world’s greatest living psychic. I know exactly who you are and what you want so, after the long tone, please hang up.”
I was stunned into silence when I heard it.
My friend and a person I once rented a room from still records fresh outgoing messages each week, and they’re consistently funny. I think one of my favorites involved him being unavailable due to the fact that Bill Clinton was conducting udnderground nuclear tests in his backyard.
Or the damn ticky one another friend recorded for her cell phone:
“Hi, this is Brenda. Who’s this? (long pause) <beep>.” Gah! I fell for that twice in a row, saying my name and actually beginning a conversation, only to be cut off by the beep.
I’ve been tempted a few times to change my outgoing message to match the one from the ill-fated Dark Angel series: “You’ve reached the number you dialed. Beep”
I friend of mine was a little obsessive about Ned Beatty and had a couple of great ones.
The first one began - “Hello. You’ve reached Ned Beatty’s Feed and Farm Supply. We’ve got everything you need for your horse, cow, and even your squeeeeeeling pig.”
The second one was - “Hello. You’ve reached Ned Beatty’s VW Bug Repair Shop. Something wrong in the back of your little Bug? We’ve got everything you need to fix up your rear end and get your butt back on the road.”
my friend had one which he recorded without his parents knowing and it went like this
(in mock mad scientish voice)
Argh, hello, this is not a good time the nuclear turtles have escaped, but do not fret i will retrive them and then take over the world…argh, get off me you stupid turtle, i created you obey me!, i am your master…(evil turtle laugh) TONE
I absolutly cracked up when i heard it, sooo funny
I resisted getting an answering machine for a long time, and when I finally got one my friend had to stand next to me and force to me to record a message. Naturally I cracked up, so my message consisted of, “Hi, you’ve reached”. . . followed by about minute of laughter. I kept it for quite a while. The power of suggestion being what it is, lots of people were laughing by the time they started leaving their message.
You’ve reached Dan’s residence. This shows you have great taste.
You dialed the right number. This shows you have superior hand-eye coordination.
But Dan is not here. This shows you have lousy timing.
Two out of three isn’t bad.
Leave a message.
If you would like a preposition, press 2 or 4.
If you have recently had a meal, press 8.
If you would like to refuse in German, press 9.
If you would like to leave a message, wait for the beep and speak.
If you want to press 5, press 7.
If you want to press 6, press 2.
If you want to press 4, you have reached the wrong number.
I saw that. Stop it right now! All right, sit still and wait…SIT STILL, I said. Wait for the beep.
A frien dof mine was having a beastly time getting his voice-mail set up at home. For a short while, his outgoing message was “Shit, shit, shit, this thing doesn’t work!”
The most bizarre though was from a friend of ours with a really twisted sense of humour. His message gave us the heebie-jeebies.
It went: “Hi, this is Rich. I’m not able to take your call right now, please leave a message and I’ll call you back.” …
No big deal, right? So WHY was it giving us the heebie-jeebies???
We called it three times before we figured it out. Throughout the entire length of the message a quiet, little voice was chanting in the background: [sub]“Kill your neighbour… Kill you neighbour… Kill your neighbour…”[/sub]
He changed the “subliminal” message each week. Some of them were quite funny, [sub]“you have to pee right NOW… you have to pee right NOW… you have to pee right NOW…”[/sub]
My friend Pat just recorded a good one:
“Hi, you’ve reached [names]. I’m out practicing my goosestep for the new world order. Please leave a message and, if Ashcroft approves it, I’ll return your call. Remember, United We Stand!”
Hello? Hey anyone there? Hello? Oh hey, whats up? Leave a message. beep
Two of my friends, sisters, are infamous for being constantly busy, leading hectic lives, and fielding lots and lots of phone calls. There’s three names in the message due to a divorce and such, and at one point the message ran thusly:
“If you’d like to leave a message for a Brown, Smith, or Samson, please – [phone rings in background] – leaveamessageafterthebeep oneofuswillcallyoubackBYE!”
No kidding, the phone actually rang while the message was being recorded. 
(take a breath of helium)
You have reached ###-####, there’s no one here but us little people, call back later when the big people get home.
unclviny
No actual good ones, but three I’ve thought of:
I have always wanted to use a busy signal as my outgoing message. The caller would hear “ring … ring … bzzz-bzzz-bzzz-bzzz-bzzz-bzzz … BEEEEEP!”
Alternately, the very succinct, “You know how this works … BEEEEEP!”
Last, I would love to get a really clear recording of the opening of The Rockford Files: "This is Jim Rockford… " Complete with the message of the week!
The one I used to have on my cell phone (before it got cut off) was “Hello you’ve reached [name]'s advice line. Today’s advice is do not annoy dragon’s for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.”
Every other week or so I’d change the advice… ‘Do not eat yellow snow’, ‘Do not annoy the crazy person’ etc etc. A friend suggested I should have someone record my message for me saying that I hadn’t taken my own advice and would get back to them as soon as I reincarnated…
“Hi you’ve reached ______. If this is Regis Philbin calling, the correct answer is c”
“Hi you’ve reached ______. If this is a telemarketing call, I am apy with my current long distance carrier and I don’t need another credit card.”
“Hey, we’re not home right now. We’re in therapy. When we find out who we are, we’ll find out who you are!”