Gimme Some ideas for a new answering machine message

In My Humble Opinion
1

Something people will hear when they call.

Noting rude, or lewd or with any swearing, and preferably really funny.
The lenth limitations of my message system mean that the entire message has to be relayed in 20 seconds.

Some of my past messages include:
A recording of Homer simpson saying:
“Compuglobalhypermeganet. Executive vice president Homer Simpson speaking, how may I direct your call?”

Myself saying:
“Tired of talking to people in person? Fed up with those long boring converstaions that never end? Introducing the Super Message-o-matic 2000, the revolutionary new device that lets you, yes, YOU leave a recorded message for Ruthanne, Rebecca, Jim, and yes, even Joel right from the comfort of your very own home!..” It went on… I can’t remember the rest…

So gimme some ideas people. I have a “default” message right now…

2

I recorded one once that went like this:

“Hello?
(10-second pause)
We’re not here. Leave a message.”

Everybody that heard it said “hello” back, even after they’d already heard it several times.

3

If you’re afraid that it might be prospective buglars trying to see if you’re home:

“Sorry, we’re in the garage polishing our extensive gun collection.”
or
“We’re busy bathing one of our 12 dobermans, please call back later.”

4

Eight four four, zero two six five.
Huit quatre quatre, zéro deux six cinq.
Ocho cuatro cuatro, cero dos séis cinco.
Ok kvar kvar, nul du ses kvin.

Hi, you’ve reached Matt. Je n’suis pas disponible pour le moment, asi que deme un mensaje kaj mi respondos kiel eble plej baldau. Thank you, merci, gracias, dankon!

5

Telephone co. noise Boodoobeep!
We’re sorry, but the number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again.

6

I’d follow George Castanza’s lead and sing it to the theme from “The Greatest American Hero”.

Please. And e-mail me your number so I can hear it. I beg you.

7

“sorry i’m not in. i’m currently traveling in time, so if you leave your name and number, i’ll have already gotten back to you.”

8

“Hi. You’ve reached XXX-XXXX. We can’t come to the phone right now as we’re busy out shooting everyone we’ve ever heard leave a cutsey outgoing message on an answering machine.”

9

You and one of the women (is this family or roommates?) suck helium and record a greeting as two cockroaches trashing the apartment.

Opera Man from SNL.

Someone who’s not entirely there about to violently lose the rest of what he has.

They worked for me, you should try them too.

10

One of the funniest ones I remember from my 3 month stint as a telemarketer went like this:

(in a hushed voice)

“We’ve secretly replaced Bill’s answering machine message with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s step back and see what happens.”

Or am I the only one who remembers these commercials?

–tygre

11

My favorite in college was “This is <insert bogus radio station call sign here> and you’re on the air!” I did it in a big “we’re about to make a fool out of you” DJ voice.

I also had “I was nowhere near there nine months ago!” for a while.

12

How 'bout not trying to be entertaining and simply saying “Hello, you’ve reached XXX-XXXX. I can’t come to the telephone right now, but if you leave your name, telephone number, and the time and date of your call, I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m able.” I’m not calling you for laughs, just tell me you’re not there and leave it at that.

13

How about one I remember Rick(from “Magnum PI”) had on his machine. It said, “when you hear the beep - speak”.

14

I use the default, simply because it’s not in my voice and it says “if you know your party’s extension, dial it now”. (It has 3 “mailboxes”) If they don’t pick one I still get a message.

Thus, business callers think I have a staff, and people calling for “surveys” and “special offers” think it’s not a residence and go away.

15

I personally agree with plnnr - I just have a generic “You’ve reached…leave a message” on my machine. However, one time at my old number I tried it with helium. It was kind of funny, but still to the point.

Here’s a bunch of ideas from an e-mail that floated around a while back:

“Hi. Now you say something.”

“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.”

“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I’m stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.”

“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.”

“This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.”

(in a bored, deep voice) “Heaven, God speaking…”

“Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.”

“Hi. I am probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.”

You have reached Tom and Susan. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-3555-4344-2. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4793, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and… (BEEEEEEEP).

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

16

Never do this.
I’m sorry Gunsliger, but NEVER DO THIS.

Unless you plan to only recieve phone calls from people you hate who you want to hate you.

17

I have a friend who has a husky, sexy Kathleen Turner type voice. Once I had her record my message for me. It went something like this…

“Hi, you’ve reached (Kilt-wearin’ man)'s answering machine. This is Trixie, and I’m afraid he can’t come to the phone right now. He’s a little…<giggle>…tied up right now. He’ll call you back later after he’s rested.”

18

Also, if you do a web search, you might be able to find a .wav of Leonard Nimoy, in character as Spock, doing an answering machine message.

“This is Science Officer Spock…”

19

Whatever you do don’t let a small child record your message. I’m sure a lot of people will agree that this is one of the most annoying things to listen to.

I just may have to try this one. :wink:

20

My favorite was a buddy of mine’s message. He lived with 2 other guys at the time, and he got a program that would convert text to voice in a computer voice (they’re all over the web, I’m sure you can find one). It said something to the effect of:

“Hello, and thank you for calling. This is a new XR2000 answering machine, and it is voice activated. To leave a message for Mike, Brian, or Steve, simply say their name after the first beep. Once the XR2000 recognizes your voice, it will beep again and you can leave a message.”

Then the Beep.

The typical response would be people saying “Mike” (waiting for second beep, and not getting it) … “M I K E” (better enunciation) “Mike” (changing voice to try to get the XR200 to recognize it, but of course the whole thing is bogus so it never will). Then they just hang up.
Not very effective for retrieving messages but quite funny to listen to people trying to get an imaginary computer to recognize their voice.