Please leave a message at the sound of the *fap*

In My Humble Opinion
1

What are some of the most bizarre answering machine messages you have received?

At a convention, I once comissioned an artist to create an illustration for me. Unfortunately, he didn’t complete it by the time the convention was over, but before he left, he promised to finish it and ship it to me as soon as he received the rest of his fee.

I called him up later to tell him I mailed him a check. His answering machine picked up, saying something along the lines of,

“I’m not home right now, please leave a message at the sound of the wet slapping noise.” followed by what I hope to god was just him slapping some raw chicken against a cutting board or something, though it kind of sounded like some guy beating off :eek:

2

Man, I can’t top that. That’s truly the best message I’ve ever heard of. I think I’ve just found my next telemarketer-mind-fuck tactic.

Anyhow, my wife knows this (very odd) woman professionally, a folk singer of the sort who thanks “the Elves” for her music and other such weirdness. So one day I see my wife holding the phone to her ear with a look of bemusement on her face. She hits redial and hands the phone to me. The message I hear after a few rings starts off pretty normally, "Hi, this is Spacey Folk Chick, please leave a message at the sound of…

DREAM ON! DREAM ON! DREAM ON! DREAM UNTIL YOUR DREAMS COME TROOOOOOO! YEEEAAAAHH!"

This is followed by a really pathetic attempt at a solo on an acoustic guitar, one even I could improve on using my left elbow to fret the strings.

Now, given that this woman is, like, the Druid Priestess of the Moon Circle or whatever, I can’t figure out why she chose one of the more bombastic Aerosmith hits, of all things, to butcher on her answering machine.

3

I was doing a design for a client and she had left me her number in case I had any questions. On one occasion I needed to call her. A few rings, and then the machine clicks on:

Dog in Background: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Man’s voice: “Hello, you have reached S, D, and T. If you’d like to leave a message for S, press 1…”

Dog in Background: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Man: “If you’d like to leave a message for D, press 2…”

DiB: WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Man (sounding distracted): “If you’d like to leave a message for T, Pr…”

(drowned out by DiB): WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

Man: “If you’d like to hear Coco silenced permanently, press 4.”

Not the strangest I’ve heard, but certainly one of the funniest. :smiley:

4

Well, mine is simply the opening theme to A Clockwork Orange, with me saying “Leave a message! Leave a message!” about six or seven seconds into it.

One guy I work with has a sound bite from, I believe, Men At Work: “Well. Looks like someone done threw away a perfectly good white boy.”

The weirdest one was a guy I went to tech school with. It started out with some wave and seagull sounds. Then he says “Welcome to Zack’s phone. Zack’s phone is a lot like… the ocean. The ooocean. The oooooceeeaaan. Leave a message.”

5

“We’re not here right now. If you’d like a preposition, press 2 or 4. If you’d like to say “No” in German, press 9. If you’ve recently had a meal, press 8.”

6

“Hello, this is Jenny and Heather’s, we’re not in right now, please leave a message after the beep.”

[squeak]

“That wasn’t it…”

[honk]

“That wasn’t it either!”
“Well where is it?”
“I don’t know, did you leave it in your pocket? [rummaging sounds] Look, we’re sorry folks, we seem to have lost our beep, hang on…”
“Oh, here it is, in the corner!”
“Oh, good!”
“It’s a bit dusty…”
“Never mind that - Here we go, here’s our beep, leave your message after it.”

[beep]

7

Do you mean Better Off Dead? “Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.”

8

I just may steal that. :smiley:

9

E. Thorp: This discussion has popped up before on the boards somewhere, and I think it’s from Men At Work. See also the memorable quotes page on IMDB; the message was phrased more like that.

10

Both movies used the line.

11

My answer machine from college briefly contained a message involving me singing and accompanying myself on the ukulele. Words something along the lines of:

*I’d like to answer but I’m not home
I’m out a-roamin’ and can’t come to the phone
So leave your name, leave your number, leave a message (or don’t)
And all you have to do is wait for the tone.

I’ll get your message when I come through the door.
It could be soon or in an hour or more
So stay tuned, get ready, and don’t fall asleep
You can do it at the sound of the beep (just leave a message)
Do it at the sound of the beep*

Not exactly Top 40 stuff, but it amused me at the time.

12

I once had a message that was a recording of John CLeeses rant at the end of the architect sketch. Until I switched it to the Spam Song.

13

I once used an answering machine message taken from a “list of funny answering machine lines” - not terribly original, but I liked it, and I loved hearing my messages each day.

I used this line, said by me in my most polite/operater voice: “Hello. You have reached xxx-xxxx. I’m not available right now, so please leave your name, number, and a brief description of what you are wearing. Thank you!”

From my friends I would get things like:

“Brown pants, a black… um… T-shirt. Call me back.”
“I’m wearing a long, flowing, backless green gown, covered in sequins, and I’m totally barefoot, darling!”

I once got a very old man (by the sounds of him, anyway), who must have gotten the wrong number… on my machine I heard a long, long pause… then: “What the hell? confused mumbling… click”

An older lady just left an indignant gasp for a message. I was hoping to get a “Well, I never!” But it didn’t come. I like to imagine she said it after hanging up, though.

Or teenage kids… one girl just said “Whaaaa?” Then I got several messages after that one, all consisting of short pauses, then bursts of giggles, as she obviously got her friends to call and listen.

Or the guy who got the wrong number altogether: “Um… Ray? Who in the world did you get to do your answering maching message, dude? How did you get any girl in your house? With money? Dude, where did you get money? Anyway, call me back if you’re home in the next two hours.” (I actually called this guy back to tell him he had the wrong number, since he was expecting his friend to call him - turned out he had the wrong area code, but the rest of the number was correct, and he was really embarrassed about the message).

But my favourite response was this one:

“Stasia, this is XXXXX (my boss!), I’m wearing my work uniform, and you should be, too, I want you in here by 5 o’clock!” :eek: :smack:

14

My college roommate and I had a weekly serial. “The Adventures of Paul and his [whatever adjective I felt like throwing in] sidekick Tim.”

It was brought to you by the Star Button on your telephone, if you’d already listened to this week’s episode, or you just didn’t care, you could hit the Star Button, and just leave a message.

We searched for a plot, got captured by the East German National Guard, were tortured so we would reviel where we hid the plutonium (what plutonium?), escaped, were nearly captured again, were saved by a stampede of turkeys (our Thanksgiving special), and were overcome by Paul’s arch enemy… The Real World. (“Tim, don’t you think it’s about time you buckled down?”)

We had a lot of blank messages on Mondays.

15

Mine used to be set to the “Gallio…Whoop! Whoop!” mating call from a muppets skit. We got a lot of questioning messages from people other than our family.

I’ve always wanted to set it to Flight of the Bumblebee, but haven’t yet.

16

My sister and I had this one for a while:

“Hello, you have reached taco bell. We’re not able to answer the phone right now, but if you leave your name, number and your order, we will deliver it to you as soon as possible… BEEP”

THAT got us a lot of hilarious messages.

I had another friend whose musician friend had a hilarious flaming homosexual alter ego. One day he sat down with his guitar and did some dreamy, lisping spoken-word kind of poetry into the answering machine, strumming his guitar occasionally. The result was something like this:

“I see him there…standing in a field of wildflowers…the sunlight playing in his golden hair…his muscles gleaming…he smiles, and the sun emerges from the clouds…I love him…and my butt hurts… BEEP”

17

I believe she may have plagiarised it, but my sister’s message used to be:

“Hello, this is the fridge. The answering machine is on vacation at the moment, but if you leave a message I’ll write it on a piece of paper and stick it to myself with a small magnet.”

18

I used to do funny messages when I first got a phone. Here are two of the best ones.

I recorded a 4-track blues progression on acoustic guitars, and sang these words:

(Opening) It’s Mr. Blues Guy! (music starts)
“Leave a message for me at the tone
I’m unavailable to come to the phone
I’m out spending money that I don’t even have
So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll call you back (way cool guitar lick) Lawd have mercy!” (music up and fade out)

And this one:

(Ravi Shankar music opens. I come in with giggly Indian accent)
“Hello! You have reached the residence of Transcendental Ken!”
(Big sitar strum, the tablas start. Music fades down a bit.)
“Thank you very much for calling me. If you are hearing this message, it means that I am busy thinking up a new mantra for you. And here it is: Oon Yellimon. Say after me, oon yellimon. Oon yellimon. It is a wonderful mantra, yes? Oon yellimon. Leave your name and number, and I wil call you very, very soon. Thank you very much for calling me. And don’t forget, oon yellimon. Oon yellimon. Oon yellimon…” (Voice fades out, music fades up and out.)

Lots of the messages after that one were just laughter…

19

Ooon Yellimon…Oooon yellimon…hah!

20

One guy I knew in grad school put an odd little dirge on his answering machine that, I assume, was titled “Feel the Brain”. I think it went something like…

*Feel the brain
Feeel the brain
*

…repeated umpteen times, until it reached a bizarre crescendo in which the singer exhorts us to “reach out and”, you guessed it, feel the brain.

It clearly wasn’t his song, so I can’t give him points for originality; but given that when you called him, that’s all you were going to hear before the beep, it gets weird points aplenty.