What Does Your Answering Machine Say?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Truly pointless, but I’m bored and, as you will see, dead boring!

So what does your answering machine say?

At work mine says “Hi, you’ve reached the voice mail of Jodi XXXX with the [Office I Work For]. Please leave a message with your name and number and I will get back to you. If you would like personal assistance, please press 0 and ask for my assistant, Jane Doe.”

At home mine says “You’ve reached XXX-XXXX. Please leave a message.” Where’s the romance? Where’s the adventure? Not on my machines, clearly.

2

My message used to be(before the kids wiped it and the wife re-did it with her own style)(names changed to protect the innocent and clearly indicate the guilty)

Hi, you’ve reached the XXXXX residence. If you’d like to leave a message for Mtgman, press *1 now. If you’d like to leave a message for Moxmaiden press *2 now. If you’d like to leave a message for any of the children, Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, or Kid 4, press *3 now. If you’d like to hear this message again, hang up and call back.

Had a friend in college whose message was “Hi, you’ve reached Matt’s place. For a list of ways technology has failed to improve your life, press 1 now. For other inquiries, leave a message.”

Another friend went with the simple but effective “You know what to do.” To prove her wrong I once called and left a message with me having an panic attack over what it was I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to do it.

Enjoy,
Steven

3

“beep the of sound the at called you that time the and number name your leave please but now right phone the to come can’t we hi”

4

At home, it’s, “Hi, this is Katrina. I’m not answering the phone now, but leave a message and I’ll try to get back to you.” Since it’s worded that way, I feel like I can screen my calls or sleep through the phone ringing with a clear conscience.

At work, it’s, “Hi, this is Katrina at the copy desk. I’m away from my desk right now, but leave a message and I’ll get back to you soon.”

My cell phone is, “Hi, it’s Katrina. Leave a message.” Short and to the point.

5

Press One to be ignored by a human!
Press Two to be ignored by a machine!
Press Three to talk to the dog!
Please press a number now!

6

Right now because I am looking for work mine is a plain “you have reached CharlesW please leave a message”. Before that, and after that I swap out weird ones. Previous messages include

“KGB Secrets hotline. Please state the secret you wish to sell, the price in rubles you wish to sell it for, and the dark alley where you can be reached, and we will get back with you”

“NORAD Aerospace Defense. Please say the launch code in a clear voice after the beep.”

7

“You have reached xxx-xxxx.” Beep.

My cell phone uses the voice mail function that is familiar to many people. “Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. xxx-xxx-xxxx is not available. At the tone, please record your message.”

8

Ah, yeap. Umm… R_S here, errr… leave a message, umm…

I was going to redo it, but it’s got a nice technophobic edge to it, don’t you think? :stuck_out_tongue:

9

Thank you for calling Minimalists Anonymous.Beep

10

Mine says “Hello. Leave a message after the tone”. In a stranger’s voice.

Why do I have a greeting done by a stranger? Because my greeting is electronically stored, and got lost every single time the power went out.

I finally gave up trying to keep a message going, and now I just use the default message.

11

When I lived “at home”, I got to record the message for me and my dad. It started out with The Pogues’s Wildcats of Kilkenny (you know, the one that starts with a scream) followed by, “You have reached xxx-xxxx. You know what to do.”

My “elderly” aunt called and thought the machine was broken. :smiley:

12

My cellphone forwards to the work voicemail, and I update it every day. “Today is Tuesday, 29 July. This is Kakkerlak at Trigon International Seattle District Office. Leave me a detailed message now and I will return your call as soon as possible.”

I change it daily to give the impression that I’m in the office, then set the system to page me when there’s a voicemail. The goofing-off possibilities are endless. Tragically, I indulge in few of them.

I did a pretty good phone-machine version of Suzanne Vega’s restaurant song once. I just now appropriated one of the above lines for my home answering machine, which pretty much screens creditors and salesmen.

13

oh, another thing… the answering machine at my Parents’ was the only recording we turned out to have of my mother’s voice after she passed away.

Damn thing broke eventually. (sob).

14

Kakkerlak: Trigon looks like an interesting company. I don’t suppose they need someone with a whole lot of mainframe computer experience who used to have a TS clearance, do they? :smiley:

[sub]Yes, I’m still trying to get out of California and up to the PNW. :wink: [/sub]

15

Answering machine messages…

WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop
for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done…
(Cachunk!)

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is KVKE, you’re on the air.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message,
please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number,
please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial
your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press
star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message.
If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press
star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)

E’llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name
and number, and prepare to die.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name
and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is “supercilious.”

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.
Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help
me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for
Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP (Rod
Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world
without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.
You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering
device… You have reached, “The Twilight Phone”.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your
touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch
tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it
is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking…

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like,
wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, this is Sid. I’ve got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson
.38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator’s voice:) There Dave sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the
telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of
toilet paper, with Dave in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at
incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort
is in vain.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.
Leave me a message, if I don’t call back, it’s you.

16

Before The Pogues, I had a similar message:

“You have reached xxx-xxxx. The circuit that operates this machine is also wired to an adorable little kitten. If you hang up without leaving a message, a relay will close, completing the circuit which will fry the kitty! The decision is up to you.”

17

Where to start? Oh yeah, with the current one. I’ve just kept the default, “Welcome to Call Notes. You have reached (XXX) XXX-XXXX…” Repeated in Spanish, it never uses my voice (it’s a woman’s voice) or mentions my name. Most real live humans seem a bit unsure as to whether they’ve called the right number. I’m considering deleting the English portion (the Spanish one gives the number as cinqo dos dos…).

When I first got one, I used to record up to the minute messages when I was departing, a habit I picked up from a woman I ran around with at the time. One night when we were heading out, and she was in a kill-the-world-especially-the-bunny-rabbits mood, she left the message, “Do yourself a favor and call somebody else!”

And I farted around a bit when it was still a new thing. I recorded the, “booo-weee-ooo You have reached a number that is disconnected or no longer in service…” message and broke in with, “Wait, I paid the bill…”

At one point, when I was trying to get a band together, I recorded a rap message with bass, drums and keyboard playing behind me:

*This is Ringo
An’ that ain’t tame,
You’ve missed me now,
So here’s the game,

Got to leave your number,
Got to leave your name,
Or the message won’t keep,
That’s mighty lame.

[sup]LEAVE A MESSAGE[/sup]

We Real-ly Care A-Lot!* <beeeep>

I knew a friend of my ex whose message was really loud music with an overdub of (shouted) “Hello?” “I can’t hear you!” “What!” [sound of phone hanging up] <beeeep>

Another guy I used to work with sampled various of his fave tunes to stitch together a message, Unfortunately, while he knew what the message said, to the rest of us it sounded like a car radio stuck on speed scan.

My parents finally got an answering machine and asked me to come over and put it in. I hooked it up and showed them the various functions, and recorded a dummy message while showing them how to do it. I left confident that all was working well, and that they’d absorbed how to record their own messages.

About a week later they asked me to come over again. Seems their friends had become a little worried over my dummy message of, “Leave us alone!”

My ex’s simply says, “Speak!”

Eventually I tired of farting around with phone message mischief, and in fact get a little impatient with jokes that become old quickly. Kind of like when they run a radio ad just a little too long.

18

Hello. You have reached — ----. Please leave your name and number and we will return your call. Thank you.

Probably the most boring message a machine can give out.

19

What I’ll put on my message machine when I get my own phone:

“Hello. You have reached the number that you have dialed. You have 30 seconds to convince me to call you back.”

20

I love it, I am off to change my greeting from “hello, please record your message at the sound of the tone” right now.