What Does Your Answering Machine Say?

“Hi, you’ve reached Thai, Nat and Damo’s phone. We’re not here to take your call, we’re out with fabulous people in a fabulous place. So, at the tone, control your jealousy and leave a message.”

Mine has two messages and it checks the caller ID. If it IDs the number it just says the normal boring messag. But if it’s an unidentifyable number it says in a robotic voice:

Hello, I am an answering machine. You are listening to me because I cannot identify your telephone number. If you are a sales man then please hang up and take this number off your list. My owner does not respond well to unsolicited sales calls. If you are computer… shut up. You are talking right now aren’t you? If you are, then you are already violating the law…

It goes on like that. The point is to make the message very very very long so the automatic sales computer message things that call you with a pre-recorded sales message will run out their message before mine. And if it’s a live sales person they’ll get so bored they’ll hang up. 'Course the problem is that they sometimes get so interested in the message they listen for the whole thing and hang up AFTER the beep!!! DAMMIT I hate that! I come home and the machine is beeping at me and the message is just a CLICK!!! AAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!! For a month or so I didn’t allow anyone who didn’t let my caller-ID see their number leave a message. Then my bank tried calling and they couldn’t leave a message. They ended up freezing my account… bastards. All cause they screwed up typing in my work number. And seriously, that’s all they were doing, just trying to call me. No problem with the account at all, the bastards. Locked up my account, made some bills late, and now the BANK doesn’t trust me. Even though THEY caused it!!! Bastards. I hate banks.

“Hello, you have reached [fizzy’s mother’s name]. I’m not at home right now. However, your call is important to me. Please leave you name, number and a brief message and I will call you back when I am able.” Or something like that. You wouldn’t know anyone else lives there.

“Hi, it’s me, leave your name and number after the beep.”

I’ve used this same dull message for years, changing only the phone number:

“Hello, you have reached XXX-XXXX. Sorry we’re not here to take your call right now, but if you leave your name, number, and a brief message, we’ll get back to you. Thank you.”

I used to have one telling telemarketers to quit calling, but my mother said it was rude :confused: so I went generic. What kills me is when people hear the message, but don’t listen - I’ve had all manner of messages left for me that don’t apply to me, including from doctor and lawyer offices. If they leave a number, I call and tell them they got the wrong person, but I’m rarely able to do that. Oh well…

Default robotic male voice:

“Hello. Please leave a message.” Actually it sounds like: “Hello. Please. Leave. A. Message.”

One of these days I’m going to remember to put my usual message on, which sounds kinda like FCM’s message. Us old farts think alike ya know. :smiley:

One message I get a lot on my machine is from the local mental health clinic calling to remind somebody I never heard of of their appointment. Sigh. I always call the clinic back and tell them they left the message at a wrong number. I just couldn’t live with myself if I were the cause (yet again!) of there being some mentally deranged person roaming the streets of Albeeny, GA.

Oh, one more weird message story. My home number is real close to that of a pizza delivery chain. Not to name names but lets call it Mama Jane’s. Once I had a message from someone who was ordering a pizza. Even left me a number to call back and confirm the order. I sometimes wonder if this person is still sitting home waiting for the pizza. :slight_smile:

My message is rather boring:

“You’ve reached XXX-XXXX. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave your name and number and a short message, and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you. [BEEP]”

Until a friend of mine recently moved in with me, I lived alone, but I still said “we” on my message. I read somewhere that a person who lives alone should never imply by their answering machine’s outgoing message that they do live alone, as such information may be an invitation for would-be burglars, etc. to take advantage of this.

We kept getting calls for someone named Wiggins who repaired clocks and musicboxes, apparently. After receiving numerous calss for the guy, I composed this little ditty for my answering machine: (think early Who)

No, we ain’t the Wiggins
And we can’t fix your clock
No, we ain’t the Wiggins
So shelve your music box
No one knows what’s wrong with your ballerina’s song
But if you are a friend, leave your number at the end

“This may or may not be an answering machine. Tell me what you want, and I’ll let you know.”

One message I’ve had went something like this:

Hi, we’re not home right now… well actually we are but we’re trying to avoid someone, so if we don’t call you back, it’s YOU.
Someone actually got offended by that…the idiot. Or another one:
Hi, we can’t come to the phone right now because we are doing something we enjoy too much. Jeff likes to go up and down, I like to do it side to side. So when we’re through brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.
So lovely.

I once had a friend who had a recording of an a capella group singing “Ain’t nobody home” in four-part harmony. I wish I hadn’t lost touch with him before I found out where he got it.

Another friend has one that says “Hi, you’ve reached XXX. What are you gonna do now?”

Mine is the automated one because me and my two roomies hate the recorded sound of our voices. I’m thinking of having my friend with a really deep sexy African accent record one for us.

Mine answers with a TTY message & a voice message, which tries to get people to call the relay first–that one is programmed into the TTY but you can change the Relay number that it speaks.

You’ve reached UncleBeer at xxx-xxxx. I can’t take your call right now, I’m out looking for a cold Molson beer. If you leave your name and number, I’ll call you back when I sober up.

Maybe we are home, maybe we’re not. You’ll never know! So leave a message after the tone and we’ll call you back…maybe.

OMG, those were so funny, but the last one was the best! Mind if I use that same one on my macine? :slight_smile:

oh, of course I meant machine, not macine :smack:

With my guitar and best Elvis voice…

“You ain’t nothin’ but a houndog, callin’ all the time. You ain’t nothing but a houndog, callin’ all the time. If you don’t leave a message, then you ain’t no friend of mine.”