Obnoxious Answering Machine Message

[Morbo]

I don’t put our actual names on the outgoing message for security reasons - just the phone number. Because I have an extremely common last name, I’ve got three or four different relatives of strangers that think I’m the one they’re looking for b/c they called information and assumed I was the correct “Dooku <commonlastname>.”

It was disturbing at first getting all these strange messages calling me by name - “Yo Dooku - you forgot to cash out your register - call me back.” - but now I gotta admit it’s kinda entertaining.

My favorite was when I came in the door and somebody’s Aunt, who had left several messages in the past, was talking live on the answering machine. I couldn’t resist giving her a little Twilight Zone moment:

“Hello?”
“…so anyway, call-----Dooku?”
“Yes, that’s me.”
“It’s your Aunt Penelope!! How are you!!!”
::pregnant pause, followed by deliberately distant creepy voice:: “Aunt Penelope? I’m…sorry…but I’m afraid I don’t know any Aunt Penelope…”
“Oh, Dooku!! It’s Penelope!!”
“I’m sorry…but…I’m afraid I don’t know anyone by that name…”
“Uh…isn’t this Dooku <commonlastname>?”
“…Yes…”
“As in Dooku and Laura?”
“…Well, this is Dooku…but I’m afraid I don’t know anyone named Laura…”
“Is this (415) 555-1111?”
“Yes. Yes it is…”
“…well…I guess I have the wrong number, then…uh…sorry…”
“That’s quite alright. Have a nice evening.”

::phone rings again immediately, I answer in the same vacant voice, she immediately hangs up::

[Ben_Hicks]

The ones which make me see red are the little pithy

Tone,message. You know what to do

type messages. I mean, how fucking arrogant and condescending do you want to sound?

[Lissa]

*Originally posted by CanvasShoes *
**A message someone once left on my answering machine. It was several years ago, and it didn’t make me mad, but cracked me up because it obviously was not meant for me:

beeeeep
{heavy snottiness and anger in person’s voice}
Hi, your CAT is on our fence again!!! We told you about this before!!! If you don’t keep him off we’re going to call the POLICE!!!
THANK YOU!!!"

We didn’t have a cat, and we lived out in a remote area of town on about 20 acres of land, and had only one neighbor across the dirt road from us and neither of us had a fence.

I’ve always wondered about who left the message, and why they didn’t make sure they had the right number.
**

My mother once got a message from a woman who was crying hysterically. “Mary? Mary? Please! I need your help! You’ve got to call me as soon as you get this! I don’t know what to do! Help me please!”

My mother doesn’t know anyone named Mary, and the woman left no number. For the longest time, we wondered who it might have been, and if everything turned out alright, but, of course, we’ll never know.

[lovelee]

My sibling has:

“Hey, this is $name. I’m not here right now. Please leave a message - and then wait by the phone until I call you back.”

Snide, condescending, clever, and very fitting for a college apartment.

[jackelope]

The beginning of the song “Hambone,” by James Mathus and His Knockdown Society, has what sounds like (but probably isn’t) an actual message left on an answering machine. It’s in a very thick country (not just Southern; I mean country) accent:

beep

Hey. D’you catch that cat? Huh?

(pause)

I got me a sack and a rock ov’ere, you bring it ov’ere and we’ll catch it, a’ight? We’ll chop its head off and send it over to Rolllie. We’ll (mumble mumble) th’ow it in the creek there. And uh, we’ll do some fishin’ while we’re ov’ere.

A’ight then, just give me a ring.

(Note: “Ov’ere” is the best representation I can come up with of the elided version of “over there” that you hear sometimes.)

[Orbifold]

I’ve always wanted to try this as my message:

“Please hold. BEEP.”

But I’ve never had the courage…

[The_Ryan]

*Originally posted by jackelope *
**The beginning of the song “Hambone,” by James Mathus and His Knockdown Society, has what sounds like (but probably isn’t) an actual message left on an answering machine. **

There’s also Message to Harry Manback by (?) Tool.