I have two friends, one boy and one girl, who both seem to have the same problem. They are obsessed with their past bf/gf but are not physically attracted to them. Both were dumped, and it has been a few months in one case and over a year in the other. Both were long term relationships. It is really bizarre and I’m looking for some clarity on this phenomenon. Is there anything I can say or do to help?
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It’s not uncommon. I’ve known people who were obsessed with their former spouses for the rest of their lives.
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Probably not. There isn’t any logical argument you’re going tocome up with to talk them out of such a deep-seated emotion. Besides, a few months is nothing, dude. Even a year isn’t THAT long, especially if no new love interest has come along.
I was torn up over my Evil Ex for a very long time. “Obsessed” is a strong word, but perhaps you could say that. I got over it eventually, especially when other attractive women entered the picture. Eventually the day came when I didn’t know or care whether she was alive or dead, and I didn’t even notice the transition happening.
The fact that they were both dumped implies that it’s a control issue for them. They had no control over the way the relationships ended. This isn’t uncommon at all.
Time & distance (& perhaps a restraining order) are the only cures for this that I know of. Eventually, they will come to realize that the ex did them a favor by dumping them. Until that day comes, there is a potential for them to try to recover something that likely was never really there.
I got dumped by my first serious girlfriend back during my freshman year in college. I was devastated by being dumped, to say the least. I went through all the stages of grief, including denial, anger, depression, and (eventually) acceptance.
However, even after I had accepted the fact that the relationship was over, the thought of her never really went away completely, even after subsequent relationships, getting married, etc.
It has been over 20 years now, and I still think of her occasionally.
One of my friends has had trouble forgetting a romance that ended badly about 8 years ago, and I think it’s just because she never really had closure on it. The relationship ended suddenly and just like that he was out of her life, and so before she even got her head around the fact that they weren’t going to be together anymore, they weren’t even acquainted anymore. I think when two people grow apart over time they find it easier to walk away - but when one person suddenly ends things, it leaves the other with a lot of unfinished business.
That’s almost certainly what it was with me. The relationship ended quite abruptly, and I reacted badly. This resulted in my being told in no uncertain terms to have no further contact with her. To my credit, I complied with this. I don’t remember ever speaking to her (or having any other contact with her) again after that. This was extremely difficult at first, and I had to get through it one day at time, then a week at a time, etc.
I used to imagine that after some time had passed that she might contact me again to at least provide some closure, but she never did.
The best way to get over one person is to get under another.
Yea but it would probably go down a similar path. There’re some serious issues going on here (control issues, mainly). In my opinion they need some sort of therapy, but both are in therapy already without much luck. Maybe they should go on the Dr. Phil Show together lol.
I still miss two of my ex-GFs, even though I was the one who ended both relationships. I don’t particularly miss the sex, except in long droughts, but I do miss the hanging out, the stability, the humour and the intelligence. I find myself - frequently - thinking that “Hey, X would bust her ribs at this.” or “Oooh, this’d be the perfect gag gift for Y.” or “Hey, those look like just the earrings I bought for our anniversary.” And then I remember that one is in another country and the other I declared incommunicado. And then I get sad a bit . . . Until I get distracted by whatever.
It’s been around six months since the last GF and I split, and about three years since I ended the other one, but these kinds of feelings don’t go away. A lot of people don’t think of it that way, but losing a GF or a BF is a lot like losing your best friend. And, particularly when the break-up is badly handled, your emotions are conflicted all to hell about it so one part of your brain is telling you to pick up the phone and let her know there’s a Kaizers concert next friday and the other listing all the reasons why you never wanted to speak to her ever again.
And if you actually get dumped, it feels like you’ve “publicly” lost a fight in which you never got to throw any punches. It’s humiliating, it’s degrading, it poisons your self-confidence in exactly the same way a working relationship boosts it and, if you had a lot of shared friends, you now officially have “history.” Otherwise known as “scars.”
(My dad actually told me to treat my eventual breakups as scars, back when I was a kid. They’re ugly, they’re visible and they don’t go away. But in the end, they fade and add character.)