Throughout college, for four years, I dated this girl. She was my “first love” and it’s been 4 years since the breakup. Breaking up was the best option at the time given the circumstances. I’ve had two relationships since her, in one right now (although it’s become long distance which is another topic for another day), and I still can’t forget her.
During the past four years there were points where I thought I was completely over her but every now and then she shows up in my dreams to haunt me and I get bummed out.
She’s completely moved on, started dating this other dude pretty soon after we broke up and they’re still together. I’m certain I’ve left her thoughts a long time ago.
I feel like a loser because I’m still thinking about her when I know she doesn’t think about me.
She could be thoughtless at times but she was also gorgeous. I feel like I should have moved on a long time ago. Why can’t I?
Hey, it’s not like you’re pining after her every day or anything. It’s okay that you think about her and miss her occasionally. That doesn’t make you a loser. Don’t be hard on yourself about it. There are other people out there you would feel just as strongly about as you do with her, but maybe the person you’re in a relationship now isn’t one of them.
This is hard - is your identity at all tied up with being her boyfriend? If so, you might dream about her but otherwise I don’t understand why. My not understanding it doesn’t mean I don’t believe and respect your issues. This sounds like a (potentially) serious problem for both of you. Please seek help in the way of therapy.
You need to make a grand gesture of love towards her and get her to reciprocate, I’m thinking something like standing outside her window with a boombox playing love songs while dressed up as cupid
It sounds like you really deeply loved this person, and in a way, you’re probably never going to fully “move on” and forget her. It’s painful, and sometimes it’s true that “time only adds to the flame.” I hope you can find some peace eventually, and happiness with someone else. You might try talking with a counselor about it too. Sometimes an “obsession” with someone or something could be a way of you coping with something else, perhaps insecurities about yourself, anxiety, etc. A counselor might be able to help you get over her by addressing the root of what is constantly making you feel like you want to be with her again, even after these several years since you broke up.
Both of who? The OP and his current relationship? Surely you don’t mean it’s a problem for the ex, right? She’s the ex. How would it be a problem for her?
I meant it for the OP and his love interest (the ex). This seems like an unhealthy obsession. It would certainly be a problem for her if he started to watch her/hang around which seems possible from his post.
I went through a similar experience some years ago. Even five years after we broke up, every reminder of my ex would suddenly jolt me back into the state of pain and unease that I experienced at the time. I eventually realised this situation arose not solely because of the love I had felt, but because I hadn’t accepted that the relationship was over and there was absolutely zero possibility of it restarting. Recognition of this was critical to moving on.
It’s over. You’re never going to get her back. Choose to move on. Good luck.
Short of Alzheimer’s, nobody ever forgets their first love. And nobody forgets someone they spent 4 years of their life with, either. So she hasn’t forgotten about you, although it’s unlikely she’d ever date you again. I still think about my first boyfriend from time to time, even though the relationship was pretty tempestuous (ahh, youth) and ended badly in 2006. But the breakup was absolutely necessary, we both knew it even if we wouldn’t admit it at the time. We went no-contact, but I look him up every once in a while. He’s doing well for himself, and I’m glad. Dating him taught me what it takes to be a good partner, and I learned a lot about myself. I’ll always be thankful for those lessons. But that doesn’t mean I’d *ever *want to get back together with him–we broke up for a reason!
There’s no reason you can’t think fondly back on her. Thinking or dreaming about your exes on occasion just means you’re human, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re stuck in the past. However, 4 years *is *a long time. Long enough that most people would have moved on a long time ago. If you feel like you’re still pining inordinately for her and can’t get past it, you might consider therapy.
The same reason females still long for the bad boy even after they treat them like garbage, the same reason people hook up with one person but then soon realize that they are not what their previous lover was so they long for them.
So many reasons could be listed for why you cannot let her go.
Well, I think the problem is that you haven’t found someone new. Long distance relationships don’t really count, especially if you are still pining for your old flame. With a long distance relationship you have too much relationship downtime to think about other shit.
Also, you are likely romanticizing your relationship with your ex. Remembering more of the “gorgeous” and less of the “thoughtless”.
Remember…she’s going to get less gorgeous over time. Probably not going to get less thoughtless.
Have you tried trying to grab her at the airport gate or even onboard the plane before her flight leaves? I hear that works too.
Its over, and she is with someone else. If you wanted to make her happy, since she already is, do nothing and you’ve succeeded. Love and pain can hurt worse than 3rd degree burns… but just as you have a choice, so does she. She chose.
Just concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and see where your feet lead you in life. Choose any direction you want except one. Maybe there is someone out there for you.
Maybe I gave the impression that I was constantly pining for her or I’m obsessed with her which is not the case.
I have no particular desire to see her or to be with her again. I guess I was feeling especially emotional yesterday (maybe being super hungover screwed with my brain chemicals) and something reminded me of her which gave me what I like to call a “nostalgia attack”.
I figured what I experienced wasn’t particularly unique or unhealthy and I thought people would chime in with similar stories. Guess not though.
I think I’ll give the “last minute at the airport” thing a shot though. I guess I better start stalking her more extensively to figure out her travel schedule.
No, I think you sounded totally normal and I think most people have similar stories, or did at some point. But most people do eventually move on and you probably will too.
In case it wasn’t clear, when I replied about the silly pop culture grand gesture of love, I was making fun of pop culture, not of you. You’re fine. Just give some thought to whether or not you want to continue your current relationship long distance.