I can’t really improve much on what everyone else has said in this thread, but maybe I can help a little with this bit.
It’s an amazingly simple but effective way to process the emotions. I believe that most women do this naturally, but most men are never taught the skill. It’s really easy to learn, though. Give it a try – I promise you that you won’t come out worse for it. And you can do this as many times as you want.
Find a quite spot where you won’t get distracted for a good 15-20 minutes. Turn off your phone and whatever else might cause you to lose focus. Sit down and get comfortable. Close your eyes. Feel your emotions. Pain in your heart usually correlates to pain in your body. Where is your pain? In your chest? In your head? In your torso? How big is it? Does it have a shape? Does it have a color? It’s very important that you do NOT judge it or label it. Do not say “It feels like depression” or “It shouldn’t feel this way.” Just observe it passively. Let it sit there and be what it is.
As you continue observing it, notice if it changes in any way. Does it change in color or size? Does it move to a different part of your body? Again, don’t judge, just observe. Does it eventually transform into something completely different? After about 15 minutes of this, come back.
Yes, I know, this probably makes me sound like a complete fruitcake. But I’ve tried it a bunch of times and it really does work. Give it a shot.
You said her mom loved/left over and over. She followed her role model. In her reality, this is how it works.
It is a reflection on her and her life before you, not a reflection on you.
May I suggest, do not send her your letter. Sometimes, it’s better to write it, let it lie and then dispose of it. Burn it or tear it to small pieces.
Someone I thought I had a close friendship with (17years) wrote me a 5 page letter that basically ripped me apart. It would have been better if she had just destroyed it. Instead, she destroyed the friendship we still had (after I had moved to another state). It has been several years and I still have not “gotten over it.” I never responded to her email of a year ago. She sent an intentionally hurtful letter and those words can never be taken back.
The hurt will, eventually, ease, and you will move on. Take it one step at a time.
I feel for you slee, this is hard stuff to swallow. Kudos on deciding to forgive her. Resentments are never good, even if they are hard to let go of. You don’t nessecarily have to forgive her right now if you’re not ready, just don’t build that resentment.
How about applying some AA principles to this? After all, “How it Works” suggests to use these principles in all our affairs. When stuff hits the fan for me, I find it helpful to contemplate my powerlessness. I find true freedom in powelessness. There isn’t a thing you can change about the way things went down. And it doesn’t even really matter why they happened that way. You, my friend are powerless. You are also powerless over the fact that you are upset about this. You are upset, and that’s ok. You are obsessed, and that’s ok. You are angry, and that’s ok. But now you have to decide where it goes from here. I vote for letting yourself have a major crying/screaming/hissy fit to start.
Something else that helps me in dire times is gratitude statements. Everytime something negative is in my brain I force myself to make a gratitude statement. Today I am greatful for my sobriety. Today I am grateful for the mental and spiritual clarity to make sound choices. Today I am grateful to be alive. It doesn’t have to be profound, just grateful.
I don’t think I need to even suggest the Serenity Prayer, but I will. Once a day, 5 times a day, 1,000 times a day, whatever it takes.
Also, try some service work this week, it really helps you get out of your head when you are helping a fellow alcoholic.
Keep trudging that path to happy destiny, friend. You’ll be in my thoughts.
From what you’ve described you are sooooo better off without her. Note the footprints on your shirt and move on. Stuff her in the back your mind and move on.
If you want heartache, I can give you that. I’ve always been able to walk away from a relationship without looking back. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have strong feelings it just means I willfully stuffed them into a dark corner. I’ve always broken up with someone on good terms and that’s probably because I’ve always dated women with class. I did, however, discover that “the one that got away” still had strong feelings for me after 30 years. Life’s a bitch when kids and family are involved.