Ode to My Uterus

Uterus throbbing.
Aspirin and tea, hot and strong
do not soothe your time

Are these spikes passing,
or only pins and needles?
Either way—ooh! ow!

Dear uterus mine
I thought we had come to terms
You, no destiny.

There is no shame there,
Many organs go unused,
No need to cramp so.

And did you have to
Call in the lower back pain?
More aspirin, now.

Not to mention those
potato chips, chocolate
and that beer I drank.

Every damned month
The number on the scale, up.
My husband, patient.

A large fortune spent
On Kotex and new panties
A conspiracy?

Damn you, useless sack
And the monthly pimples, too
Time to shrivel up.

Ah! Sweet menopause!
Cessation of the monthly
Pangs that flesh endures.

No more fear to wear
White garments on certain days.
Red’s just a color.

Cramps? Forget the past!
Put that hot pad away now.
Kiss your Midol goodbye.

Of course, in exchange
You get the hot flashes, the
Sweat-soaked wakenings.

Put on sweater, then
Two minutes later, rip off.
Lather, rinse, repeat.

Mood swings? HAHAHA!!!
PMS is training wheels.
This is the bigtime.

Better be sure to
Take those calcium pills, babe;
Bones get brittle now.

Take biotin, too,
If you don’t want your nails to
Chip, split, break right off.

(There’s one other thing:
Artificial assistance
For lubrication.)

But hey! No more cramps,
No more protection needed.
(Unless you dribble.)

And anyway, you
Don’t have much choice, now, do you?
The change will change you.

I lack the poetic bone…

but I am waiting to get one of those “Do It Youself Home Hysterectomy Kits” soon to be available for cheap on eBay! Yay!

PS - not aspirin- it’s a blood thinner…makes ya bleed.

Husband read that post
Planning long trip for that time
To Antarctica

But I still don’t know
Who he wants to send away
I bet it is me.

But I find solace
One small fact about that time–
My bum will be warm. *

*That was supposed to link to the thread about women’s cold butts, of which mine is frequently. But I couldn’t find the thread. I am lame at search. I have also wasted three of my four glorious days off work trying to find funny dog stories on the SDMB (as I enjoyed the funny cat stories, especially the one about trying to put the cat out the screened window in the middle of the night), and curse the word “dog” for being too short to qualify as a search term.

I also want a cheeseburger.

Two weeks before it
Ovarian cysts will throb
“Roid” rage begins.

Why
PCOS?
Is endometriosis
As bad as this is?

But my friend Alesse
Along with ibuprofen
Makes me near normal.