A black guy and a Hispanic guy fall out of an airplane. Who lands first?
Who gives a shit.
I just heard this one the other day. It’s about this gay midget that took everyone by surprise. Yeah, recently he came out of the cabinet.
I expected better from you.
Hey, I revived the thread. What more do you want? OK, knowing you… don’t answer that.
Really?
Is that a slight against Auto? I’ll have you know he’s my sugar bunny who typically inspires smirks from me.
What three things can you not give a black man?
A fat lip.
A black eye.
A job.
Not a slight at all. I thought Auto served it up perfect.
I guess I was whooshed by your comment about expecting better from him.
We should really stop offending each other and get back to offending the niggers, kikes, polacks, faggots, wops, rednecks, wetbacks, bitches, and micks.
A little decorum, please, gentlemen.
Not to mention the dykes and the rag-heads, and sand-niggers, and of course the Dutch…
oh yeah - and the eskimos - FUCK the eskimos!
I don’t want to hear any shit about dot-heads, though.
Guy walks into a bar, and notices a sign that says “Smithy’s Challenge.” The bartender explains: “If you can complete three tasks, all your drinks today will be free.” The man thinks about it for a second, and accepts the challenge. “First,” says the bartender, “You have to go over there to that big guy and beat him in a wrestling match. That’s Smithy. Hear that dog? That’s Smithy’s rottweiler. You have to pull 3 teeth from that dog and put them on the bar. Finally, you have to go upstairs and screw Smithy’s grandma in the butt 4 times.” After taking a few swigs of whiskey, the man agrees. First, he walks up to Smithy and headbutts him in the nose. As Smithy is writhing on the floor, the man pins hims easily. Then, he goes out back and suddenly the dog starts howling and whining like crazy. When he comes back in, he heads up the stairs but stops halfway.
“How many teeth do I have to pull from Grandma again?”
A Japanese, Chinese and Samoan want to marry a farmer’s daughter. The farmer says, “Whoever can stay a week in the barn with the pig can marry her.” The Japanese guy tries first. A day passes, but on the second day, he runs out of the barn yelling, “Oh my god, that pig stinks! It stinks!” The Chinese guy tries next. He manages to stay three days, but on the fourth day, he runs out of the barn screaming, “Jesus Christ, that pig stinks! It freaking stinks!” The Samoan guy is next. Within minutes, the pig comes tearing out of the barn screaming, “OH MY GOD, THAT SAMOAN STINKS!”
My mom’s favorite joke, actually.
A Cuban, a Russian, a Japanese and an American Soldier* were sitting on a pier. The Cuban pulls out a cigar, lights it, takes one puff and then throws it into the water. The Russian is shocked, and says, "Comrade, that is Cuban cigar! It is good stuff! Why did you throw it into the water?
The Cuban replies, “Eeen my coontry, there are Cuban cigars everywhere! Why would I care about one freakin’ cigar?” The Russian thinks about it for a moment, then nods. Then, the Russian pulls out a bottle of vodka, takes a sip, and throws the rest into the water. The Cuban is shocked. The Russian explains, “In Mother Russia, there is vodka everywhere. One bottle means nothing to me. Nothing!”
Meanwhile, the Japanese saw what the Cuban and Russian were doing. After some thought, he grabs the American soldier and throws him into the water.
*depending on the audience, different pairs can replace Japanese/American Soldier, for example:
Iraqi/American Soldier
Hawaiian/Japanese Tourist
New Yorker/Jew
etc. etc. etc.
Golden oldie:
Bill Clinton went jogging with his secret service detail during winter. About halfway through, he decides to stop by the side of the trail and take a piss. Suddenly, he notices that someone has already been there, and has written “Fuck you, Bill” in the snow with pee. Incensed, he immediately demands that the secret service find out who it is.
Later that day, a secret service agent arrives. “Good news and bad news sir. The good news is that we did a DNA exam on the urine, and we know it belongs to Dan Quayle.”
“Why that mother fucker,” says Clinton. “So what’s the bad news?”
“It’s in Hillary’s handwriting.”
Slightly different take on Superhal’s:
A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian are sitting around a campfire. The Texan takes out a longneck, drinks once, throws the bottle up in the air, then pulls out his six-shooter and shoots it. ‘Plenty more of those where I come from’.
The Californian, not to be outdone, takes out a Sierra Nevada, drinks, throws it up in the air, then whips out his Glock and blasts it. ‘Plenty more of those where I come from’.
The Oregonian quietly finishes his Henry Weinhard’s, sets it down next to him, pulls out his gun, and shoots the Californian. ‘Plenty more of those where I come from… but the bottle’s worth a nickel’.
Isaac, a nice little old Jewish man, is walking through a Berlin park in 1934. Suddenly a big limousine pulls up beside him, and Heinrich Himmler jumps out. He points a Luger pistol at Isaac and barks, “Jewish swine! Eat that dogshit on the sidewalk!” The man sees the Gestapo chief is dead serious, so he reluctantly gets down on his hands and knees and starts eating the dogshit.
Himmler laughs so hard he drops his gun. Isaac immediately picks up the gun, and says, “OK, Mr. Big Shot, now YOU eat the dogshit!”
Himmler swears a blue streak but gets down on his hands and knees and starts eating the dogshit. Isaac waits until Himmler’s finished, then knocks him out with the butt of the gun and runs back home.
His wife lets him in. “So, how was your day?” she asks.
He shrugs. “I’ve had better. But you’ll never believe who I had lunch with…”
Joe retires and builds his dream house on a mountain in West Virginia. He’s just settling in when there’s a loud knock at the door. He opens it to see a huge, unkempt man in a torn red plaid shirt, jeans with suspenders, beer belly and an enormous bushy beard.
“The name’s Big Earl,” the man booms. “I live on the next hill over. I guess we’re neighbors now, huh?”
“Hello, Big Earl,” Joe says. “Won’t you come in?”
“No, thanks. Just wanted to invite you to my party on Saturday.”
“Oh, uh… thanks. Sure, I’ll come.”
“Great. Six o’clock; don’t be late.” Big Earl is about to go, then turns back and says, “You know, I guess I should warn ya… there’s usually a lot of weird drugs at my parties.”
“That’s OK,” says Joe. “I’ve been known to partake.”
Big Earl grunts. “I guess I should also warn you, there’s a lot of drinkin’ at my parties. I mean, a LOT of drinking.”
“No problem.”
Big Earl nods. “And, just so y’know… there’s a lot of wild, kinky sex at my parties.”
Joe wonders what he’s agreed to, but says, “That’s OK, too. I’ll be there. But tell me, would you like me to bring anything? What should I wear?”
Big Earl shrugs. “Won’t matter none. Just gonna be the two of us, anyway.”
Two nuns are riding their bicycles in Rome, seeing the sights. It’s late and they decide to take a shortcut back to the Vatican. Night is falling, and the younger nun gets a little worried. She says to the older nun, “Sister, I’ve never come this way before.”
“I know,” says the older nun, smiling. “It’s the cobblestones.”
A penguin is driving across country when his car begins to break down. He takes the exit ramp to the nearest little town, and to his relief finds a repair garage that’s open. The mechanic says, “Tell you what, I’ve got one other job ahead of you. Why don’t you walk through downtown, take a look around, and come back here in, say, half an hour?”
The penguin agrees. He admires city hall, the library, and the bandstand on the town square, and then sees a sidewalk ice cream vendor. Ice cream! It’s been MONTHS since he’s had ice cream! He orders a three-scoop vanilla cone and eagerly begins eating it, gorging himself and covering his beak and face in his enthusiasm.
He waddles back to the garage. The mechanic emerges, wiping his hands on a rag, and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
The penguin blushes. “Oh, no, this is just ice cream.”
Herschel and Moishe walk by a Christian church that has a big sign out front: Convert to Christianity - win $1000!
Herschel says to Moishe, “What do you think?” Moishe says, “Eh, a thousand bucks is a thousand bucks.” He goes into the church and Herschel waits on the sidewalk. Moishe comes out ten minutes later and Herschel asks, “So, how’d it go? Did they give you the money?”
Moishe glares at him. “It’s always about the money with you Jews, isn’t it?”
Eli and Abram are walking through a park. Eli says, “Oh, I just heard a great joke I have to tell you. So, Herschel and Moishe are…”
“Wait a minute,” says Abram. “I’m tired of all of these Jewish jokes. Why can’t you tell me a joke about another religion sometime?”
“I’m very sorry,” says Eli. “I didn’t know you felt that way. OK. So, Muhammad and Khalid are eating gefilte fish and discussing their nephew’s upcoming bar mitzvah…”
Stalinist Russia in 1947. Two policemen are standing on a streetcorner in Moscow fifteen minutes before midnight. A civilian runs by and one of the policemen shoots him.
“What’d you do that for?” the other cop protests. “He had another fifteen minutes to get home.”
The first cop shrugs. “I know where he lives. He never would’ve made it.”
A sheltered, callow young Catholic priest is puzzled in the confessional when a man admits his many sins, including “Getting a blowjob downtown for $20.” The priest goes to his abbot and asks, “Father, what’s a blowjob?”
The abbot looks at him eagerly. “$20, same as downtown!”
The scene: an Army base. The captain calls the tough-as-nails sergeant into his office. “Sgt. Jones, I believe Pvt. Hoskins is in your squad. I just got the word that his mother died last night. He doesn’t know it yet, so I want you to break the news to him. But do it with a little sensitivity, OK?”
The sergeant snaps off a sharp salute. “Leave it to me, sir.”
He goes to the barracks and bawls at the men to fall in. When they’re all lined up he says, "All right, maggots. Everybody whose mother is still alive take one step forward… not so fast there, Hoskins…!"
A guy dies and wakes up in Hell. He sees the Devil standing over him with a big grin. Guy says, “I wonder if there might be some mistake. I wasn’t so bad . . .”
The Devil puts his arm around him, shoves a cold beer in his hand, and says, “Aw, don’t you worry, son! We get a bad rap upstairs, but take from me, Hell is a party! F’rinstance . . . Do you drink?”
“Well, I’ve been known to bend my elbow occasionally . . .”
“All right, today’s Sunday! On Sundays we drink! Everything, man! Beer, whisky, vodka, tequila, fine wine, brandy . . . You’re gonna love it! You’re gonna love Sunday! Let’s see . . . Do you like to do drugs?”
“Well, I might have snorted a line here and there . . .”
“OK, tomorrow’s Monday! On Monday everybody in Hell does drugs! Everything, man! Pot, coke, smack, LSD, esctacy, ‘shrooms, meth . . . We’ve got Timothy Leary workin’ on new recipes! If Jerry Garcia likes it, we all do it! You’re gonna love it! You’re gonna love Monday! Let’s see . . . Are ya gay?”
“Oh, no! I never swung that way!”
The Devil winces a little. “Oooo… you’re not gonna like Tuesdays.”
God appears in simultaneous dreams to the President of the United States, the Palestinian president, and the Israeli prime minister. He tells each of them that humanity has made such a mess of things, the world will end in two days.
The American president goes on national television and says, “My fellow Americans, it is my painful duty to announce to you that the world will end in two days. Let us all pray for the strength to meet our fate with courage and dignity.”
The Palestinian president also goes on the air, and says, “Though Allah has told me that the world will soon end, we can take pride in the fact that, to the very last, we struggled against our Israeli oppressors with every fiber of our being.”
The Israeli prime minister tells his countrymen, “I have good news! God has assured me that we will never again have to turn over any of our sacred territory to the Palestinians.”
Jesus is suffering on the cross and gestures to one of his apostles to come closer. “What is it, Lord?” the apostle asks.
Jesus whispers, “Peter… Peter… I can see your house from here!”
A black man is tending bar when a Chinese guy walks in. The Chinese guy shouts, “Hey! Gimme a jigger, nigger!”
The black guy says “All right, here you go, but you shouldn’t use that word; I find it offensive.”
The Chinese guy takes the drink and says, “Thanks for the jigger, nigger!”
The black guy says “Look, I really don’t want you using that word. Tell you what, let’s trade positions. You tend bar, and I’ll come in.”
So the Chinese guy goes behind the bar and the black guy walks out of the bar. A moment later the black guy walks into the bar and says loudly, “Hey, gimme a drink, Chink!”
The Chinese guy says “Sorry, we don’t serve niggers in here.”
Charlie asks his friend Bubba what’s his trick with the ladies. “Simple,” he replies, “bang your weiner on the dresser a few times, that will toughen it up and you can screw longer.”
Excited, Charlie runs home and finds his wife in the shower. Wanting to surprise her, he starts banging his weiner on the bedroom dresser. Bam! Bam bam! Bam!
Suddenly, his wife opens the shower curtain and calls out, “Is that you, Bubba?”
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his privates on the sidewalk. “Damn,” says one, “I sure wish I could do that.”
“Me too,” says the other, “but he’d probably bite me.”
A man is walking down the street, followed by a pit bull, two coffins and a crowd of about 300 people. A passerby notices the huge parade, and wonders what’s going on. He walks up to the man in the front and asks, “What happened?”
The man replies, “On Monday, my dog here killed my wife. On Tuesday, my dog killed my mother-in-law…that’s who’s in the two coffins over there.”
The passerby thinks about it for second, and says, 'My god, that’s tragic…er, if it’s not too much trouble, I was wondering if I could borrow your dog for the weekend?"
The man shrugs. “Sure, but you’ll have to get in back of the line and wait your turn.”
And, since Chuck Norris jokes are inherently offensive:
Chuck Norris walks into a bar. At the first table, he punches a nun, a priest, and a rabbi. With one sweeping roundhouse kick, he takes out a blonde, her mother-in-law, and a lawyer sitting at the next table.
The one thing Chuck Norris can’t do is tell a joke.
Three guys are waiting to get into heaven. The first guy walks up to St. Peter and says, “I am Michelangelo.” Peter replies, “If you really are Michelangelo, why don’t you go over there and paint me a picture.” In a few minutes, Michelangelo sketched an almost picture-perfect view of the Vatican at sunset. “You may enter,” Peter says.
The second man walks up. “I am Rodin.” “In that case,” says Peter, “It should be no problem for you to make a small sculpture of Jesus with those materials over there to prove your identity.” In a few minutes, Rodin has created an almost perfect replica of Jesus on the cross with a single piece of ivory. “You may enter, Rodin.”
The third man walks up. “Who the hell are these Michelangelo and Rodin fellas?” Peter sighs deeply. “C’mon in, GW.”
Q: What did the blind man say to the tray of decaying fish at the marketplace?
A: “Good morning, ladies!”
A Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so excited 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
“Now Susie Lee my gal
You’ll have to find another
I’d jest as soon yer ma don’t know
But Joe is yer half brother.”
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But when she told her Pappy
He said “there’s trouble still.”
“Ya cain’t marry Will my dear
An’ please don’t tell yer mother
But Will an Joe an several mo
I know is yer half brother.”
But Mama knew and said “my child,
Do what makes ya happy.
Marry Will or Marry Joe
Ya ain’t no kin to Pappy.”
I heard it was lawyers.
Q. Why is money green?
A. Lawyers pick it before it’s ripe.
(That’s the version I like to tell but in the original it was Jews.)
There were these two country boys who were brothers. One day, one of them bought a radio and started listening to the news. Then he went to his brother and said “Did you hear there’s a building on fire in the city and people are dying!” “How do you know?” “I heard about it on the radio.”
The next day he’s listening to his radio again and then goes to his brother and says, “Did you hear there was a snowstorm up in the mountains and people are dying!” “How do you know?” “I heard about it on the radio.”
The next day the second brother is out for a drive, when he sees a pig stuck in a fence. There’s no one around so just for the hell of it he stops and takes advantage of the pig. When he gets home, he tells his brother, “I had my first sexual experience today!” “In a pig’s ass!” “Oh you and your damn radio!”