I’m going to confession right now. I’ll end up wearing down the beads to the string.
It worked out, they grew up and got jobs. I passed a sign yesterday that read “SLOW MEN WORKING”
Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?
“If I’m going to be imPOtent I might as well look imPOtent”
A lot of them do, but some only seem to be offensive in that they use words that are not allowed in polite company. These don’t seem to be making fun of any particular group.
An example on this page is the nun one. It only makes fun of a guy who got really drunk. And I think it’s only considered offensive because it mentions bestiality.
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball.
How did Bill Clinton get caught?
He found the only Jew who couldn’t clean stains from a dress.
Why do women wear panties?
Because Federal and state law requires all manholes be covered when not in use.
7 reasons basketball is better than sex:
- Ball movement is key.
- Being double teamed is common.
- You’re expected to score within 24 seconds.
- It’s OK to dribble before you shoot.
- If your friend can’t drive it to the hole he’ll pass it off to you.
- No one gets mad if you call a 20 second timeout to cool off.
- There’s always someone with a towel to clean up any wet spots.
In my youth, in my neck of the woods it was Polack jokes.
My two favorites:
Did you hear about the Polack who carved his initials into his palm?
He always wanted a monogrammed handkerchief.
Did you hear about the Polack parachutist who missed the world?
Re: the movie game, I always thought the best ones were either “in my pants” or the erection game.
Did you hear about the guy with two dicks?
He never knew if he was coming or going.
How did Himmler surprise the Führer on his birthday?
He baked him a birthday kike
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls is out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Chasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not going to trust you,” said the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie.”
“What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway.” remarked the genie. The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”
POOF! The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“Okay, kid, what’s your second wish?” asked the genie.
“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.” POOF! The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one.” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.” POOF! The Arab is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If you do business with a Jew, there’s going to be a string attached.
Leave it to a black chick who converted to Greblon to get offended at this thread.
One I remember from my anthropology classes in the US way back when:
What’s a Sioux picnic?
A six-pack and a puppy. (The Sioux were dog-eaters.)
not even close
I told the Haitian apartment building joke to a few friends of mine tonight, and they didn’t get it… :smack:
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor’s dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
“I’ve had enough of this”.
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says “The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?”
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers…
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘Why are you
throwing those nails away?’
Lynn explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.’
Judy got completely upset and yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t
defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of
her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room
doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?’
‘No, Silly’ the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000…00 for these implants…
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘So then?’
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened… So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail
pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, ‘Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.’
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver
Thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, ‘Why, that’s a thermos… It keeps hot things hot, and
cold things cold.’
'Wow, said the blonde, ‘that’s amazing…I’m going to buy it!’ So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. ‘What’s that,’ he asked?
‘Why, that’s a thermos… It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,’
she replied…
Her boss inquired, ‘What do you have in it?’
The blond replied… …‘Two popsicles and some coffee.’
+++++++++++++
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, ‘What’s the matter?’
The blonde replies, ‘Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away.’
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, ‘Why don’t you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest.’
‘Thanks, but I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I
have the best chance of doing that here.’
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his
office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
‘What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?’ he asks.
‘No!’ exclaims the blonde. ‘I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!’
=============================================So the lepers played poker instead. Until one of them threw in his hand.
My favorite old blonde joke:
A guy is walking along the bank of a river and wants to cross it. He sees a blonde on the opposite bank and yells over to her “How do you get to the other side?”
She thinks for a moment and then shouts back “You are on the other side.”
Since we’re being equal-oppotunity offensive, I’ll share a George Carlin line that keeps getting stuck in my brain every once in a while.
He talking about hoe, if a gay man went into a coma, his friends and relatives shouldn’t be sad. “He was a fruit, now he’s a vegetable. He’s still on the produce shelf.”
Did you hear the news? Osama bin Laden was badly injured while trying to blow up a bus!
He burnt his lips on the tailpipe.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The seal replies, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”