(Disclaimer: No, they should not.)
The list is long and I could make a career of flogging.
Speeding up to cut in in front of me, then slamming on your brakes to make a turn. I have an industrial strength brush guard for a reason. Shoving your back bumper onto your dashboard. Your remains will then be scraped out and hung on the brush guard and flogged.* They will be left there to dry in the sun as a warning to the next dumbass wishing to cut me off to make a turn.
Anyone involved in the production, promotion, or watching of reality tv shows.
Ditto celebrity shows. Keeping up with the Carbunkles, Reba, and Trump TV just make me stabby.
If you’re going to block the aisle with your carts while you yap with your friend at the store, don’t give me the evil eye when I ask you to move or move your cart myself. I will be impolite.
Disclaimer: No one has actually been draped on a brush guard owned by me.*
** Yet
You don’t fuck with a man’s vehicle
That’s not stupidity, that’s deliberate maliciousness. Shooting is the answer, not flogging.
A new one, inspired by my day: delivery drivers who block handicapped parking spaces and/or handicapped curb cuts or access ramps. I don’t care if you’re FedEx, USPS, UPS, Frito-Lay, 1st Uniforms or God Himself In A Delivery Truck, you’re not handicapped, so get the hell out of my way.
Well, I’m not nice.
When I become Lord High Supreme Emperor and Ruler of All, breathing will be an offense punishable by flogging. Most actions undertaken while breathing will only serve to increase the offense, though a certain few actions can decrease the length and severity of the flogging.
You know who you are.
You know what you did.
The beatings are coming.
I need to add a special flogging for idiots who smash mailboxes.
Also for my neighbors who let their dog out to do its business, and it ends up in MY YARD!!! If I knew for sure where the dog lived, they would get their doo-doo back! Bad enough I have to clean up after my own dogs.
And, this week only: Mike, I am sick and tired of hearing about your impending wedding and how stupid your fiancee is being. If she’s that much of a pill, why are you marrying her? No, I don’t care. I’m just going to flog you before I have to hear one more time about her views on wedding favors… GAH!
It wasn’t a flogging, but I had a friend who managed to deal with this:
A neighbor made a habit of bringing his small dog to my friend’s lawn for a morning poop. When asked not to, his response was along the lines of “Oh, don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt anything.” After a guest managed to slip and fall due to the dog poop, my friend decided to take action.
He went to his local Agway store, described the problem, and asked what he could buy to repel dogs. They sold him a box full of white granules that claimed to do this job and was “Safe when used as directed”. My friend took this home and sprinkled an ample amount in the dog’s standard spot.
He was of course watching the next morning as neighbor and dog appeared on schedule. The dog began sniffing, then completely freaked out - yelping and thrashing on the ground. The neighbor saw the granules and charged to my friend’s front door, yelling “You tried to kill my dog! I’m calling the police!”
Two policemen duly arrived at the door, reporting the neighbor’s allegations. My friend protested that he hadn’t tried to kill the dog, just to discourage it. He told them the story (which the neighbor had omitted) about the daily trespass despite many requests not to. He fetched the box, and pointed to the “Safe when used as directed” claim. Given that the dog had recovered, this was deemed satisfactory.
What he didn’t show them was the back of the box, which he had just read for the first time while they were reading the front: “To treat an area of 100 square feet, mix 3 tablespoons in 2 gallons of water. Repeat once per week, or after any rainfall.”
Neighbor and dog never again visited his yard.
These people aren’t the problem, its the jackasses who let them get in.
What people have not mastered is the art of the freeway block. Not only do you not get in front of me, but I will slow my car just enough so that traffic behind me prevents you from getting in as well. My goal is that you miss your freeway exit for pulling this stunt.
Its not because I am mean. I simply believe that people should learn to curb this sort of anti-social behavior. And of course, I am all about helping people.