I disagree with the idea that parents should attempt to insist that their kids remain virgin until 18 or 21 or marriage or whatever, or that parents should attempt to insist that a teen who has become sexually active should quit cold turkey and become celibate. I think the this sounds like a great debate, so I’ve started a thread in Great Debates.
The thread title is “Should parents work at keeping their teen kids virgin?” and the URL is
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=70844
There is only so much you can do as a parent. My parents have both worked for most of my life and not once have they gave me any speeches on sex, drugs, alcohol, ect. We never went to church, but were still Lutherans. But for some reason, i think i turned out okay. I am now 19 and i go to church on my own accord, i made it into college, i dont drink, i dont smoke, i dont do drugs, and i plan on waiting for marriage to have sex. I dont know what it is that makes a child turn out the way they do, but if i did, then all our problems would be solved, eh? You can only guide them the best way you can for as long as you can and hope they turn out great.
Understanding that your perspective is that of an 18 year girl there is no offense taken, but as a father with some experience with teenage girls I think my chances of getting a 16 year old girl to “understand” she should stop having sex with her boyfriend through gentle, conversational persuasion are slim and none in the real world despite what she might initially tell her parents in a “heart to heart” re this topic to mollify them. In this context my choices are to tacitly “support her decisions” (to have sex) and essentially tolerate it and or put my foot down with respect to her waiting until she is 18. I’ll think I’ll take my chances with the latter scenario.
As a final note I think you need to review the OP of this thread. The “sexual activity” discussed by DDG is not incipient but actual. I don’t “mis-trust” my daughter but I do live in the real world where not all the decisions a hormone suffused teenager makes are necessarily the best ones available. I was once a HS teenager myself so I can speak with some clarity on this issue.
Part of the job of being a parent is use your real world life experience to guide your child/young lady/human being into a more complete understanding of how certain decisions and choices play out in real life. Sex for 16 year old girls is, irrespective any contraceptive methods, like playing Russian Roulette with 5 chambers loaded. My sister had two abortions before the age of 18. I am determined not to go through this type of scenario with my daughter.
She knows all about how babies are made and how contraceptives work. If she determines that she must have a sexual relationship there is little I can do in real terms short of killing her BF’s one by one as they come to the door. The intent of making a strong case not to have sex before 18, at the risk of incurring my dis-pleasure and her mothers, is to provide her with a behavioral speed bump to stop and think about the consequences before she acts. I am more than willing to pay the therapy bills if the 18 month delay in her freedom to have unimpeded intercourse causes her psychic bruising down the line.
Just imagine how she would feel if she knew so many people where discussing her personal life.
I’m a fifteen-year-old girl, so I know somewhat what your daughter is thinking. Luckily, my parents have given me alot of freedom with this stuff. For example, I can go over to one of my guy friend’s houses- when there are only 2 18-year-olds there and me, and no parents home. I really appreciate the freedom, and have never gone past kissing with this guy or anyone else. Because I have the freedom that I do, I don’t try to push the boundaries as much. However, I know that if my parents started restricting me, I wouldn’t be the “good girl” that I am now. I would sneak out, go further with guys, drink. Although I understand that you have to impose some restrictions, don’t make them too strict. Also, NEVER go through your daughter’s files again. They’re her private things, and it is NOT appropriate for you to read them.