Oh God, this Onion thread. . .

[Cartman] You guys! You guys![/Cartman]

This article on Alicia Silverstone opening up a haphazardly-operated animal shelter has me rolling.

I can just imagine some ditzy blond doing just this, solely for the PR value.

The kicker? The bottom picture where a boa and a little kitten are sharing a comfy bedroom. The kitty rolling around on the bed and the boa coiled up up the floor, eyeing the kitty.

Oh good Lord, this one slays me. :smiley:

“Please, think of the kittens.”

I actually didn’t enjoy that as much as you seemed to, but your link enabled me to then read “Concert Ruined by Guy Enjoying Himself”, which I found hilarious.
Something for everyone in the Onion, I guess.

But “Bush 2004 campaign pledges to restore honor and dignity to White House” and “Child’s last steps captured on video.” also had me rolling…

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
You can’t really help the way people feel about you, especially if the dumbasses refuse to listen to reason.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they’re not looking.

The inability to find jurors unfamiliar with Martha Stewart has raised concerns that celebrities cannot receive a fair trial. What do you think?
“Oh, great. If I somehow manage to avoid 20 years of Cheers and Frasier, my reward is a jury seat at Kelsey Grammer’s child-murder trial?”

**Home-Schooled Student Opens Fire On Breakfast Nook

Freak Accident Paralyzes Man From Waist Up

6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

‘Farm Aid Aid’ Concert To Benefit Struggling Farm Aid Concerts

Dinty Moore Breaks Long Silence On Terrorism With Full-Page Ad**

My first Onion. These are hilarious.

Well, it’s no “Jesus appears at local kegger”, but they’ll do.