The news:
Blergh, it’s hard to say here, I don’t want to go into too many details, but suffice it to say that I am a somewhat single woman now (of my choosing).
~J
Hmmm should I say I’m sorry? or throw a single girl party? We could go down to 6th street and have a bachelorette party this weekend! (celebrating the fact that we are in fact bachelorettes)
Legally, I’m single, so I’ll contribute a round or two of French martinis to your cause.
They’re really good Pink Drinks that AREN’T Cosmos!
personally … I was going to ‘adopt’ “a bit more badassedness” as a personal motto … LOVE the word!
White Ink … WAY too much to say here … way … so… sorry in advance … long and rambling …
I’ve had the opportunity to become aquatinted with folks who are “in the lifestyle” … swingers … which means they, in the company of each other, scratch their particular “itches” with other folks they like and care about. Not to say that as a support of the contention that men-folk will stick it anywhere that doesn’t have bees in it … but to say the relationships between the folks I’ve known, have been tremendously strong, and in their cases, stronger, Because they each knew their partner wasn’t with them for a sexual outlet, but for themselves. Not a path I’d recommend for everyone, but, just an interesting study in humanity.
I’ve really appreciated some stuff from a group that does workshops about “intimacy” … or as the founder likes to say it, “Into Me You See” … and their work is terrific on looking past the ‘chemistry’ that magnetizes people together initially, and focusing into what the depth of the connection is … I think it is true that an unfortunate number of people never do what Tanookie describes in her relationship … continuing to explore deeper into each other, and to work toward … “Into Me You See” from both sides. (Human Awareness Institute – Stan Dale, PhD in Sexology – www.HAI.org)
Now, just to be politically incorrect here, for a moment, I remember the days of raging hormones. I’ve loved the fantasy of “instant chemestry and abandon” … haven’t usually found the reality of it to be all that great, but … loved the fantasy.
Even the guys who think they are just life-support-systems for a penis, actually have more than sex drive going on.
… it turns out it isn’t just sex they are after … it’s actually ‘approval.’ (lots of studies on this, beyond my own observations …)
(do you know almost all of the stuff published about human sexuality is all still drawn from the Masters and Johnson’s research of, what 20-25 years ago? Appauling!) Oddly enough, the most recent studies actually are showing women having similar to higher sex drives than men, just different perameters around what they associate with it!!! (Not just the old … men peak at 18 and women at 35 crap.) I know a number of women who throughly enjoy an evening or weekend of “good clean fun with others…” with men that they are very clear are Not ‘long term relationship’ matches for them, but the sex and play is fun.
What’s my point, I know I had one … ah… intimacy! That was it! Sex is sex, and sometimes that is all it is. Most people who experiment with sex for sex’s own sake find it doesn’t scratch the ‘real’ itch they were having. Sex does not require intimacy … and intimacy does not require sex.
I’ve had wonderfully intimate friendships with women, where we both agreed to avoid bringing sex into it, because we could both see that would actually interfere with the connection we’d formed. (And, I’d have to admit I’ve had sexual relationships with women, that, when we actually got to know each other better … it ruined the sexual chemestry … for whatever that’s worth.)
(Oh, and in my 20’s I remember being just as offended as you are about what looks to be a majority of men shaping their daily choices around what would get them laid, only I was that offended by the seeming majority of women who were shaping all their life choices around what they thought the needed to do and act like, in order to score “a meal ticket and legally obligated provider” … oh, sorry, I meant to say, “husband and family.”)
But as to sexual contact always being about just a place to “get off” … first off, I’d have to echo the above sentiment, usually when I’ve seen folks who were experiencing a similar sense of things, there is something much deeper in their history that tainted their experience.
Not meant as a blanket statement about you, White Ink but more to say you’re a)not alone in having the mental and emotional perspectives you’re having and b)folks caught in that place are usually in a period of terrific inner growth and discovery of self … and get to experience life differently on the other side of those inner discoverys … or at the least, like the interesting sense of the world we go through when we’re experiencing the changes of adolesence … this way that things feel to you, may well also pass into your history, followed by a clearer view of you and what in life pleasures you.
All that aside 2 more things…
-
there is a terrific book by a woman named Betty Bethards, titled Sex and Psychic Energy. You should be able to find it in your local bookstore. In it there is a wonderful little section on Tantra practices to create a deeper sense of sharing and intimacy in a couple. I’ve heard tell of folks who found that doing those practices expanded or brought back the sense of ‘closeness’ in the physicalness together as well as in other parts of relationships. Betty Bethard’s Books
-
The key to the Liquor Cabnet is on that Key Ring??!?! Really??? … I never knew!!! Come On over, everyone!!!
Drinks are on D.Bear!!! … and body shots are on … well … pretty much every body!!! raises hand to stake dibs on the video rights …
Ok, I shoulda paragraphed more, been less wordy, and not blown my image by being Sooooo serious for Soooo many words … just forget I said that stuff, ok? … pretend someone else said it! Wish I coulda had a ‘sock puppet’ ‘fake’ name for just that one post … Sock-ra-tease … or something.
Btw, Congrats to both SimpleDreamer and Davebear.
May your weekends be lovely.
Jaade Congratulations … and I’m sorry.(?)
Careful Wyatt, people may start to think you actually have a brain in there…
Jaade, have you set yourself free, or set him free?
(Now that you are free, come sit next to me)
Its a rental brain … I promise … and now I’ve got to go turn on Jerry Springer for an hour or two, to run it backwards and get the ‘mileage’ back down, so I don’t have to pay the ‘extra usage’ fees!
Whew…thanks, I was beginning to worry there!
Hamsters, Hamsters Everywhere! and not a drop to Drink!
(cause if I can’t get in, I can’t get a drink.)
Barkeep, 1 French Martini please…
So’s anyhow, I always suspected that Wyatt had an evil twin brain that he was hiding in the back of his cranium.
So’s anyhow part d’uh, Wyatt said:
That’s key to what I’m not understanding. Sex as play… I don’t get this. not at all. Takes me right back to my shooting hoops analogy. I so Don’t Understand. But now that I think about it, this might be elaborated as to what’s causing mental grief.
If my partner is approaching an encounter as “play” and I’m taking it much more seriously, then doesn’t it stand to reason that it seems like he’s just using me as a tool?
Wyatt also said:
Aaaahhhhhh Tantra! Not the Comfy Chair! (I mean Tantra!) Aaagh. Uhm, I guess I’ll knock it til I try it. The idea of it kinda freaks me out though. But hey, could work, I guess.
BTW, I have a really nice nailpolish collection y’all. Reds & blues up for grabs! Hmm, suddenly I notice I have pink through dark red, & baby blue through cobalt, but no purples, rusts, whites or greens. Hmm. Walgreens, here I come!
I think you just have to make sure you are both on the same page and that requires some time to know each other. Either you are both approaching it as play or both as intimacy but if you are looking for intimacy then make sure your partner is looking for the same thing.
Damn darlin’, that sounds like fun…too bad I’m broke and my vehicle is limping around town like it should be in the ICU. ~grins~
I’ll have to take you up on that though…college boys (hey, I can look)
Ohh, what’s in that? Come sit with us sweetie!
I guess it’s a bit of both…
Me mostly, I think…
(~sits down next to Psalex~)
I think that sex can be playful, even with…especially with someone you really love. Not everything has to be serious. If you can’t laugh together and have FUN together, why bother? Sex is completely meant to be enjoyed, and I think that if you aren’t having fun, you aren’t really enjoying yourself.
Reds and blues…I feel all patriotic today. ~wonders if Psalex or mipiace can paint itty bitty stars!
~J
but …
Wouldn’t that make us look like sneetches?
French Martini… I’m not sure what the exact recipe is my understanding is that it’s a mixture of vodka, chambord & either pineapple juice (smidge) or peach schnapps depending on who you ask. I believe what I’ve been served is the latter.
Small but tasty, and dangerous.
Here, have one!
I think it’s easier for men to seperate the emotion of sex from the actual act of sex.
Just so ya’ll know, I’ll be around reading, but I don’t feel much like playing lately. I hope that soon that will change.
How appropriate. Sounds like the lady who inspired this thread.
{{{{Jaade}}}} Not sure what “somewhat” single means, exactly, but you obviously aren’t totally happy about it. But, if it was your choice, it was probably the right one.
Who’s that guy who looks like Wyatt? He seems to know things.
Yes, it’s pretty likely you’d see it that way, under those circumstances. Have you talked to him about this? It could just be a matter of perception. But…is mipiace sitting down? Good. Because I agree with her; you need to make sure you and your partner are both there for the same reason. If you’re not, you’re never going to be happy with him. People have different styles, in sex as in everything else. Your styles may not be compatible, even if you basically enjoy the same acts.
But, there’s also no reason you can’t combine seriousness with playfulness. I take sex very seriously, for instance. To me, it’s primarily about the spiritual bond, not the physical pleasure, but the body is the means of communication between the two souls. And, that communication can include serious, intense gazing into the depths of your lover’s eyes or grinning, laughing, playful wrestling, or both if it’s a long enough session; it’s the intent that counts. How the message is delivered isn’t important as long as it is received correctly. And, that’s why you need to talk to your man.
What a fascinating thread! This is all so far over my head that I will (mostly) just shut up. What I mean… while I can comprehend what is being discussed, I can’t really ADD to the discussion, not in the spirit of the board’s basic premise of adding to the great knowledge database. One thing that really spoke to me…
This is exactly what I was talking about last night when I said I was finally happy being single. I have been out of a relationship more than in a realtionship in my adult life. I used to beat myself up mercilessly when I saw a scummy looking guy (bald (no offense anyone) or fat or just plain ugly) and even they had a woman with them. I would think “even that loser can land a woman! Why the hell can’t you?”
I have a young friend, who I love like a brother. But, God love him, he is a geek! And talk? He NEVER shuts up. Just rambles on and on (like this post, I guess… :rolleyes: ) And really low-brow subjects too. Wrestling (ugh!) how many times he’s delivered pizza and a lady showed up at the door naked. (Yeah, right!) About a year and a half ago a couple of mutual friends got married and Lynn shows up with this gorgeous 18 year old woman! Once again (to the nth degree) I start thinking “If he can score (for lack of a better word) then why can’t you if6was9?”
I’m getting to my point…
“Discovery and Inner Growth” I finally realized that it’s women’s loss if they don’t see my worth. I don’t mean this in a vain way. I’m not a great looker (unlike all the 6 foot plus hunks in this thread… 
) And I don’t have much confidence when dealing with a “first impression.” But I have a good sense of humo(u)r, I’m funny, I’m intelligent, I’m a hell of an engineer, I’m sensitive and extremely caring of other’s feelings, I love animals, I believe in God… deeply, I cry when I watch certain movies. My point… I’m a good person! If a woman can’t see past looks and first impressions, then she’s not the woman for me anyways! “Discovery and Inner Growth” I said last night that I’m through with women, but I still have hopes. My experiences tell me that relationshippy :dubious: things can happen out of the blue. If it happens, cool. If not, “I don’t mind. I don’t mind.”
I’m happy being single. I do what I want, when I want. If I want to run up to the Hall of Fame some weekend, I just do (did) it! If I want to get drunk and just post all night, I do it. If I suddenly want to buy a new computer, that’s between me and… me! There is great freedom in being single.
Psalex, you shouldn’t be embarassed that you could read at 2! That is something to be proud of. But I guess you were embarassed about thinking, for years, “The List” was not what you thought it was. BFD! It spurred you to read a lot of awesome books. And that HAS to be a good thing.
I took guitar lessons when I was 5. I’m proud of that. The lessons didn’t last for too long, but I never lost interest. I taught myself by listening and trying to play things. Today, I’m no rock star, but I can play a scathing “Star Spangled Banner” ala Jimi Hendrix.
BTW, for September 11th and all… I’ve had a hell of a good day! At work, our fiscal year is over, inventory counting is over, and we got a nice bonus today! About 5% of my yearly salary! Woo Hoo! I’m drinking Bass Ale tonight!
Lastly, ALL my good thoughts and well wishes go out to Davebear this weekend!
I knew I’d forget to add something…
Oh joy, to be a piece of paper in Psalex’s unmentionable drawer! :eek:
Thank you! That’s exactly what I’ve been saying about this confidence thing. It’s so freaking superficial! Can I act confident? Sure. But, it would be an act, so what’s the point?
In fact, I’m so appreciative of having another guy chime in on this, that I’m even going to overlook this…
Oops! I forgot to thank everyone for all the good wishes. Thanks, everyone! Luckily, she already knows I’m a scummy looking bald guy.
That’s EXACTLY what I meant, Dave! Personally, I can’t “put on” the confidence, but still, if you’re scared to “chat up” a woman, but you buck-up anyways, and make the “long walk,” it’s so unlike you (if you know what I mean…) that it’s totally superficial!
And Btw, it was your balding self that made me preface my remarks on “scummy” guys… I’m sure you know what I really meant… guys who are unattractive to women. I’m not making my point here… bald guys like Capt. Picard (I can’t remember his name) (And I’m not a homo or anything )(not that that’s a BAD thing) or Issac Hayes or or Yul Brenner (the spelling just gets worse and worse…) are quite sexy being bald. I meant guys who are total rejects. Certainly not you or other balding guys in this thread.