so I get this email today ... (LONG post ... you have been warned)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Surely you all have better things to do than read about my love life (or lack of), but I’m feeling the need to vent, so I thought I’d drop in. After lurking in Davebear’s “Oh, My Freaking God” post, I think I have encountered Teresa’s evil twin. Only 4" taller and brunette … and in my town. I’m fairly new here, so I suppose this is too mild for The Pit and figure MPSIMS is the right location for this rant, but, Mods, move it as you need to. I humbly beg your forgiveness if it comes to that. At any rate, here’s the story:

I’m sitting at work this afternoon, doing what I do, and I get this email from the girl I’ve been dating. Well, maybe dating is a strong term. Nope, I’m pretty sure we’ve been dating. Anyway, she states:

Uhh … yeah … huh?

I can’t even begin to explain what a shock this was. I was pretty much worthless at work since I was trying to piece together exactly WHERE THE F*CK THIS CAME FROM! Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, had led me to expect this cheery little nugget. Granted, once I reveal the back story, you all will probably think I’m an idiot for not being more careful, but I had tucked my normal, cautious self away in the corner for a variety of reasons. Things were GREAT just two days earlier, and now she gets cold feet. Here I am, the typical commitment-phobic guy, and she gets cold feet before I do. Go figure.

I suppose I should give the full story. It really all started about a month ago. Well, sort of anyway. I stopped dating this girl I had met at a St. Patty’s Day party. We just didn’t have enough similar interests and our schedules were at odds. I worked during the day, she at night. So, for shits and giggles, I re-posted my profile on Match.com. Emailed a few young ladies, responded to a few emails, then I was just about to hide my profile again, just due to lack of … umm … attractive options close by. Well, I get this email from a girl on Match saying that she thinks we have a lot in common and would like to hear from me if I’m interested. Ah, hidden profile … not gonna respond to that one. The next day, just before I hide my profile for a while, I decide to browse the folks in my area one last time. Hmm, this blonde is new … and cute. Hmm … she’s cute too. Oh, look, a pretty brunette … my weakness. Let’s see more about her. WHAT!? THIS is the girl who emailed me! OOH, OOH! She hangs out in the same places! She reads the same things! Find that email now, Dave! REPLY, DAVE, REPLY! FASTER, DAMMIT!!

So I replied. This was a Thursday night. The next email from her was a short little “get to know you” kind of thing on Friday. No big deal. I answered it on Saturday morning and asked her more about herself. Well, she responds within the hour, includes her phone number, AND she sends a “wink”. Hmm … this girl is seriously interested. For those of you unfamiliar with Match.com, a “wink” is a way for members to show interest without necessarily sending emails. She sent both. Turns out, we both know some of the same people, have similar majors (paths undoubtedly crossed in school), and have plans for the same grad school. Sounds good so far. So I send her back an email saying I’ll call her Sunday night. In the mean time I’m debating with myself if I should do this or not. I’ve heard the horror stories of online dating, but also heard the successes. I’m a positive person, so I believe I’ll be one of the success stories. I was pretty conviced of that Sunday night when I did call her. It was interesting, I called her in the middle of another date, but she took my call and talked to me for about 10 minutes and made plans for Wednesday AND Thursday. Hmm … two dates and she doesn’t even know me yet. She called me back later that night and apologized for sounding like a jackass since she was on a date. She assured me that she REALLY wanted to meet me, and that the date that night was just to pass the time. We talked for another 20 minutes or so, and roughed in some plans for Wednesday. I told her I’d call her on Tuesday to confirm. Tuesday rolls around and I make that call. I had a plan for dinner and for musical entertainment afterward. She sent an email later in the evening thanking me for having a plan, that she really appreciated not having to do the “well, what do you want to do” kind of spiel. She also asked if a couple of friends could join us at the jazz club. Sure, no sweat.

Wednesday is the big Date Day. I get an IM from a friend of mine asking how “matchmaker” is going. Funny, I don’t remember telling him I was on there. So I tell him a bit more about it. Turns out, a friend of his works with the best friend of the girl I’m seeing that night. I’m the only Dave who works for the particular firm I’m with, so naturally, there was no mystery for anyone to solve. ANYWAY, I meet her for dinner and we’re having a truly great evening. So many things to talk about, so many similar interests, lots of eye contact and laughing. Classical great date stuff. But it gets better. We head to the jazz club, talk about the music, meet up with her friends (who, YIKES, I didn’t know I knew), and she’s starting to flirt with me BIG TIME. Touching, laughing, leaning her head on me, etc. We talked about what we were looking for in relationships, how we seemed to match what the other was looking for, etc. Very positive. We departed without much fanfare for the evening, but we definitely had a GREAT time. She called me after she got home and we talked for a little while longer and firmed up plans for Thursday. So, we meet Thursday evening and head to a free summer concert. We had drinks, stopped by a friends apartment downtown, and then went to grab a bite to eat. Somewhere in there we had started holding hands. Unusual for me, but I was really comfortable with this girl. So, from there we head back up to my place. Nothing directly sexual happened, but, mind you, this is only our second date after meeting online. We talked some more, perused my photography and books, then we had a great make-out session. She had even informed me that I was her “target” … THE sole reason she signed up for Match. She liked my photo, my writing, my interests. Afterward, I drove her home (she had walked to my place … just a few blocks), and said I’d like to see her Friday. She agreed, so I said I’d call her with plans.

Friday I call her with my idea for plans, and she counters with hers. She wants to cook dinner and watch a DVD at her place. Okay, I’m up for that, so I tell her I’ll call her when I get home from work. Well, I call, and she actually would prefer going out to eat, but coming back for the movie. Okay, I’m up for that too. So we head out to my favorite restaurant … which just so happens to be hers too. Spooky. Back to her place, we watch the movie, then, of course, we re-enact the make out session from the night before. Only this time there’s a little more skin. Not sex, per se, but intimate relations involving hands and mouths. Well, Saturday morning I find myself awake in her bed. Before anyone claims that I’m just bragging, you must know that I’m not normally this “easy”. But I found myself so comfortable with this girl, and she with me, that it just happened naturally. We had plans for hiking later in the afternoon, but she had to work in the morning, so I dropped her off at work and went home to shower. These were the only four hours we spent apart from Friday night 'til Monday morning. I picked her up at work Saturday, then we went hiking. We had a great, sweaty hike, and got to know each other even better. Then, on the way back home that evening, we stopped at a drive-in movie … the whole retro thing inspired us to recreate Friday night’s events in the car. Before long we HAD to head home to my place to finish things, though we were both so tired we just made out and passed out. Sunday morning we slept in, went to lunch on the river front, then headed to a local “touristy” thing because we both had always wanted to see it. Sunday night we cooked dinner, had more great conversation, and more intimate relations, this time fully involved. I took her home Monday morning on my way into work, and I stopped to visit her at work Monday evening.

Not ONCE during this entire series of events was anything said that might have made me expect today’s email. Believe me, I’m leaving out a TON of positive details from conversations. Things were looking great. I knew about the Philadelphia fellowship and we talked about the ex; but EVERYTHING was rosy as of Monday. We were already making “couple” type plans, and talking about places we need to go and sights we need to see. It was also uncanny, the number of coincidental “near misses” we had through our lives … events where we had been in the same places at the same time … unlikely places, like a dealership I worked at years ago (she was good friends with the owner’s family and was there a lot), the places we hang out, the people we know, and the university. How we hadn’t met before is baffling. I was developing a serious “like” for this girl, and it seemed pretty obvious she felt the same. She was looking for the same thing I was looking for. And I confessed that I would have emailed her anyway, even if she hadn’t emailed me first. It was a mutual attraction from the start. We had both intellectual and sexual chemistry … or so it seemed.

So, here I sit in my puzzlement, writing my rant and wondering if I should feel hurt, angry, glad … or some combination. I’m more shocked than anything at the moment, and I’m hoping to get to discuss this with her. I mean, seriously, what the hell would give someone the bright idea to do something so shitty? I really want to know what happened and why. Why on earth she posted a profile and jumped in with both feet when, surely, these doubts were stirring to begin with. Should I discuss it with her or cut my losses and sail on? The fact that we were BOTH on the same page until today is utterly confusing. I’ll never get you women figured out.

Thanks, gang, for listening. Advice; admonishment; ass-kickings; similar experiences; all are welcome.

2

Wow. To be honest, it sounds like it’s better you found out now rather than later when you were even more involved. It might smart right now, but if it this happened a month or two down the road, your heart might have gotten badly broken.

Or, giving her the benefit of the doubt, she may have just gotten cold feet after the whirlwind weekend - I can easily see that happening. If you really want to pursue things, why not email her and ask her straight out if that’s what happened? And if it was, you could take things much slower.

Keep us updated.

Ava

3

Very. um. Strange. Sounds like you were compatible in just about every way. She didn’t say anything about Philadelphia AT ALL? Nothing? I mean, she must have known she was up for a transfer, right? Sorry, just musing out loud. I’m stumped, too. The only thing I can come up with, and it’s pretty obnoxious, is that she wanted a weekend fling, but didn’t have the cojones to tell you that’s all it was. Either that, or she thought it would be “easier on your feelings” this way. What a flighty little…I find myself extremely annoyed on your behalf.

4

Yes, Maureen, I knew about Philadelphia. But, as I understood it, it would be just a three-month fellowship … not permanent. She obviously knew about it when she signed on Match, and she told me about it early on. If a relationship had been established, it seems that, with some work, 3 months would be something that could have been dealt with. Here’s the tricky part … she signed up on Match, looking for a relationship, and basically to meet me exclusively (so she says). So, where had she conveniently stashed these doubts then? I thought about the idea of the weekend fling, but based on our conversations and knowing so many of the same people, I didn’t give it much weight. But, then, who knows. I know there are those type of folks on there, but traditional wisdom says to look for a fling at the bar, not Match, the seemingly last resort for relationship seekers. I gave her the benefit of the doubt on that one.

And, Ava, I am crafting an email now asking the questions I just have to ask. As much as I’d like to continue dating this girl, it would take me quite a while to be fully comfortable with her again … though I am a huge forgive and forget type of person in damn near every aspect of my life. Sometimes it bites me on the ass.

I’ll keep yas posted.

5

Certain rare people have a talent for making you think you have this deep connection with them. They just happen to like all the same things you do, they think you are the most attractive being they’ve ever seen, they say all the right things that make them seem as though you’re perfect together. These people are chameleons. They are one of the many strange creatures you’ll encounter in your travels here on Earth. Be grateful for lessons learned and move on.

6

Dude! Sorry to hear it! I wouldn’t say this woman is Theresa’s twin, though, evil or otherwise. Your lady communicates. Not well, perhaps, but at least she communicates. The email you quoted said to call her, if you wanted to talk more about the situation. Did you?

I agree that a three-month separation shouldn’t be an insurmountable object, if she really cares about you. It sounds to me like there’s some other factors in play, here. It could be that she’s just a flake, but it doesn’t sound like it, to me. It could be, for once, that what she said, about not being ready for a relationship, is actually true. If her ex is not far enough in her past, that may be the problem. Or, you may remind her too much of him.

I wish you luck, but I don’t foresee a happy ending, I’m afraid. Sorry, dude.

7

Wow! Is this the real Davebear replying to my thread?! You’re legendary, man! Thanks for your reply. :smiley:

At any rate, yes, I called her as soon as I got the email. I was still at work, but I told her I DID want to discuss it later, just to let her know I wanted to talk about it. Well, when she hadn’t called back after work I left a voicemail. That was last night. She still hasn’t returned my call. I also replied to her email with many questions about ‘did we move too fast’, ‘is there anything else’, … those kinds of things. It’s strange that this came about after she moved in with her best friend … so she didn’t have to sign a new lease on an apartment until she knew for sure she was Philly-bound or not. I know that her friend was utterly appalled that she would “stoop so low” as to meet someone online. Not to mention that her friend didn’t hold a very high opinon of the firm I work for. Now, I know that shouldn’t color anyone’s decision on who to date or not, but it’s curious that this email comes about AFTER she moves in with her best friend and spends time with her instead of me. I don’t mean to accuse her of anything, but the timing and me in my over-analytical state has me looking for any possible answer. I’m not sure the ex thing or the Philly thing are all there is to it. We had discussed that when we met, and still proceeded to have a great weekend. Though I did get the impression she and her ex hadn’t been apart that long. But, damn, this was a shitty way for her to realize that.

No, barring a mushy movie miracle (which I don’t happen to believe in), I don’t see a happy ending here either. But I’d like to talk it over with her, just for some closure. This was just SO upside down to what we had going as recently as Monday evening. :frowning:

8

Her email said to call if you wanted to talk. I would give her a ring and just say you respect her wishes and will walk away but “just for the record, can I ask what happened?” Then she can tell you and you can get a better feel if you moved too fast or did something wrong (for future reference)

I would just cut my losses and begin my search again. There are many fishes out in the deep blue sea.

Good luck!

9

The best friend thing sounds like what happened to me. My ex was spending more and more time with her friends (we’re talking 5-6 nights a week) and very little with me. I asked, very nicely, if she could spend some more time with me. They convinced her that I was trying to get her away from her friends, etc. etc., and so that was part of the reason she broke up with me. She told me years later that she regretted it, “but they were my friends!”

10

Anyone else get the feeling I’m living my own private little episode of ‘Ed’? I mean, jeez, sometimes I think they steal material from my life … or put material in it! Now THAT’S reality television! :smiley:

11

Errrrrr…

Any chance you were just moving way too fast for her? Before I met my wife (well, the woman who would end up being my wife, but you know what I mean), I spent a fair amount of time using various on-line dating services such as Match.com. I came to the conclusion that it was way to easy to get the feeling that you know a person deeply after reading a few choice paragraphs and talking on the phone for an hour or so when, in fact, you really don’t know the person at all.

In addition, because of the way Match.com is set up to highlight all the things that two people have in common, it’s easy to go on the first date alreeady thinking that you’ve met “the one” when, in reality, it normally takes a long time for two people to come to that conclusion. When you start talking about long-term plans and commitment on the second date (not to mention the make-out sessions), I suspect it can get a bit overwhelming. I mean, people go on match.com to find their match, but most people don’t really expect the process to be instantaneous. Maybe she simply felt a bit overwhelmed at the connection you two felt, together with the expectations that come with supposedly meeting your “perfect match.” Most guys I know would flee in a heartbeat from that sort of pressure, so I wouldn’t be surprised if a few women did as well.

Just a thought…

Barry

12

Thanks, godzillatemple, but I was careful to downplay any expectations on the first date. She was the one who, on the second date, was curious why I hadn’t been more forward on the first. She thought I didn’t like her and if I hadn’t held her hand and made out with her on the second, then I was out. Of course, it takes two to tango, so maybe I was a little too forward from then on … but she would only kiss deeper and touch more intimately as we went on, so it seemed pretty mutual. I had intended to draw things out a bit longer. She was the one who jumped in with both feet. I was just along for the ride then.

Incidentally, we didn’t do much in the way of the “getting to know you” emails. Just a couple of simple ones, a brief phone call or two, then the real ‘getting to know you’ happened in person, especially on the hike. All of our similar interests, views, and the like were revealed in person-to-person conversations. Of course, by this time she had invited me to stay at her place, and was leaving notes to her roommate that she’d be back in the morning when we went elsewhere. Neither of us made any attempt to slow things down. Then, suddenly, after she moves, I get the boot.

I’m sure this isn’t uncommon on Match.com. And I’ve encountered my share of flaky and indecisive women in the bars too. But this one just caught me quite unprepared. Based on how great things seemed and the potential that was there, I think she really couldn’t have said anything in her email that would have surprised me more.

13

Perit, I am going to chime in with a slightly different view here. It sounds to me like she told you the truth in that you remind her (in good ways to be sure) of her ex.

This happened to me also, only I was the one who called things off. The guy was nice, friendly, etc, we had lots in common and I felt very comfortable with him almost immediately.

But – within three dates I realized the reason I felt like I’d known him forever was that he really was almost a duplicate of my ex-husband. And my ex is my ex for good reasons, if you follow me.

I also agree with what Barry/Godzilla posted about feeling like you have a bond with someone before it’s really developed when you use online dating services. And yes, I met my ex-clone through an online dating service.

Better luck next time :frowning:

14

I read this post, and it is so close to describing myself that it is almost scary, and it is not something I am either proud of, or can really control. I have this sort of “gift” to be able to keep people’s attention, and make it seem that we have known each other forever, even if it is someone that I am not particularly attracted to on a sexual level. I should also mention that I do customer service work. I have inadvertantly made one guy, for instance, feel so comfortable with me, that after the second date, marraige was mentioned.

And I didn’t even have any real attraction to him.

It’s not something I do intentionally, I just naturally make people feel comfortable around me.

15

Note to self: Stay far away from modro.

:smiley:

16

YIKES! No kidding!

Thanks, all, for the comments and advice. I feel much better after having a moment to vent my disappointment and frustrations here, and hearing the thoughts of the gang. I just never saw it coming. No warning. Still no reply or return calls from her after I expressed a desire to actually talk about it (as she invited me to do), so I’m counting this one gone.

It’s unfortunate, but hey, I’ve got a motorcycle basic rider education program to focus my energies on this weekend. I’m sure I’ll analyze it to death and obsess over it again later when I have more time.

17

but this woman talked to you for TEN MINUTES during a social engagement with some-one else. Not only does she have an attention span the size of a gnat, she is inconsiderate and rude.

Are you sure you want to get on a death machine THIS week-end? You did the same thing last week-end.

18

Legendary? snicker Yeah, that’s me; Live and In Pers…uh…Pixels! :wink: Nah! We’re just two Daves, talking about women. And, I didn’t rack up over 2,000 posts just talking to myself. But, it’s nice to be appreciated.

Well, now I see the parallel to my experience with Theresa, The Hampton Beach Heartbreaker™. Is the bar open? This round’s on me.

Well, she’s been communicative, up to this point. Maybe she’ll continue to be. But, if her friend is an influential as you think she is, and as unimpressed with you, that could be why you haven’t heard from her, too. I still think there’s more to the story than just flakiness, but she is definitely a flake, so who knows?

And, j66 is right, that taking your call while on a date should have set off major alarms. But, something that flattering is hard to see as a bad thing. And, I’m not convinced that it’s directly related, based on her other behavior. That’s why I didn’t mention it earlier. I think something spooked this woman. Whether her friend or a realization she came to on her own, I don’t know. But, that’s my theory.

19

Actually, this crossed my mind. She claimed it was just of those dates where you just pray that someone would call you, but hang in there out of courtesy. She never did take calls while we were out, but we live in a world driven by communications, and I have dated women who would take those calls (and would talk for more than 10 minutes). It bugs the hell out of me. So, knowing that she had done it at least once on a date, I made a note to myself that if she took a call while out with me, that would definitely tell me a lot, and just might have been the last date. Fortunately, she never did. But, as Davebear has already noted, based on her other behavior with me, I think the phone issue is irrelevant anyway. I’m confident something (or someone) spooked her. I think there’s more than she told me in that email, but since she’s not returned my call or replied to my email, I’ll never know.

Ladies and gents, what are the thoughts on phones? On or off during a date? Mine is always off or in the car while on a date. You’re not there to spend time with your other friends. My mobile phone is my only phone, but it does have voicemail (as do most), so I figure I’ll get back to whoever called some other time.

Jeez, j66, I hardly think that was appropriate. She was most certainly NOT a death machine. I had a lot of fun with her over the short time we went out. More fun than I’ve had with someone in a long time because we could communicate. We were both abstract thinkers, loved books, art, architecture, hiking, hockey (yes!), art flicks, etc. We had similar goals and paths to reach them. But we had enough differences to keep learning about each other. That’s why we hit it off nearly instantly. It was brilliant! I don’t regret the time at all … I’m just bewildered by how suddenly it ended.

And, incidentally, I had fun on the motorcycles today too. But, damn, I’m exhausted.

20

um, peritrochoid, i think the “death machine” remark was about the motorcycle, not the woman.

probably one of the most common nicknames for them in the health services field