My ASSHOLE itches!!! Oh dear God I can’t sit still, what the hell is going on? What if I have worms??? WHAT DO I DO!!! AAARRRGGHHHH!!!
HELP ME!
Try a shot of whiskey.
No, in your mouth.
OK? Now another.
Now another.
Better yet?
And don’t worry, most times there’s nothing you can do, so at least now you’ll die smiling 
IIRC, pinworms crawl out of the anus at night to lay eggs, then return. It’s supposed to itch like crazy so as you scratch, you pick up the eggs with your nails and inadvertantly ingest them…starting the whole process over.
Fortunately, all you need is some drugs.
And don’t suck your fingers after scratching your asshole.
Well… That’s going in my self-help book… So you mind if I take that?
:::and she create the perfect sig!:::
There are no words… LMAO!!
Dude, do your feet smell like Fritos?
You SICK WINCH!! …and after I complemented you and your malformed nose!
starts to lick his fingers then pulls back
shudder
Not right now… but they did the other day and it wasn’t even MY FAULT!! I was late for work and stepped on a soaking wet bathmat in my socks then put my shoes on. By the end of the day… WATCH OUT!! FEETOS!!!
BTW… I have internet access at home once again… I am sure your all thrilled!! L
Ugh, I think I am going to be sick.
Dude, do you want me to send you some dewormer? It is the same stuff we use on the animals.
…make sure it goes in the right end.
I work with Developmentally Disabled people. A few of the ladies I work with have just come up with pinworms. YIKES!
I was the lucky one that had to do what you do to find out if someone has pinworms. I had to tape their buttocks together at bedtime. Apparently the pinworms will get caught on the tape (or the eggs will.) Well, the worms didn’t get caught on the tape, but another staff person checked their buttocks in the morning, and sure enough, the little white buggers were curled up near their anus. This has got to be THE grossest thing ever!!!
All of the staff at work are freaked out. We all imagine that we now have them. I have no idea if I have them (I have no symptoms, and I am always pretty careful about washing my hands while at work.) However, I have just de-wormed myself, “just in case”. I feel much better about it now.
There in an over-the-counter medications for pinworms. It’s a liquid, you take one or two doses. You might want to give that a shot. The thought of those nastly little things crawling up your butt…(shudder) Look up “pinworms” on the web. There is a lot of information about them. (I know, I’ve been a little pinworm-obsessed of late…)
(My sister told me if I start scooting my butt along her carpet, she’s kicking me out… She’s such a bitch!)
I have to comment, Whammo - at least I have some excuse (if indeed I ever had pinworms) - my unusual job. But if it turns out that you have pinworms, HOW did you get them? Usually you get them from digging at your butt and then putting your fingers to your mouth, or messing with dirt or poop, and then putting your fingers to your mouth. Yikes!
I’ll tell ya what, reading this thread while attempting to eat my dinner has been just a magical experience. Magical, I say. 
Someone has to send this in to Johnny Knoxville. It would be great on Jackass.
My mom used to worry about those worms… so she would bake all of our library books before we were allowed to read them to kill any possible eggs.
After some suspect kids played with our toys one time she baked those too. My sister’s chatty cathy did not do well in the oven. She came out with ‘burger king’ grill marks on the side of her head and when you pulled the little string to make her talk she made exorcist-ish noises.
OMG, that’s friggin funny. I absolutely deplore any type of dolls for reasons I shan’t go into. And that, my friend, is hilarious.
Oh yeah. My new sig.
It is pretty funny. She also baked my little ‘Dorothy’ from the Wizard of Oz doll and her braids shrunk and stuck straight out. I was really upset about it.
And thank you for my new sig line. I don’t know if dopers only use quotes directed toward them – but this one is too funny.
I had a flashback to my best high school buddy We wanted to start a punk band but couldn’t decide to name it his choice of “the devil’s ass” or mine, “painful rectal itch.” That’s a bit disturbing. I thought I was a titty man, not an ass man.
Um, here it is. And I previewed it and everything. Duh. Dur. Doy. Doh.
I did not expect this thread to be full of so much information.