Later I started another here, and althought I swear that is a sincere thread, a Doper called kniz pointed that I was spending too much talking about her. And he/she was right. Come on, my friends, I swear I’m in this situation not because I love her, but because I’ve tried to forget her and I can’t.
Let me stated it clearly: I don’t want to flame her (instead I’d go to the pit), but the girl fooled me making me to believe that I was her forever love and that she was meant for me. A couple of months later, she started to break down her enthusiasm and later she dissapeared. All the story is in those two threads, so please if you’re not going to believe me, don’t post here; please, please, what I need is help to rationalize things better that I’m doing it.
So, if one of you starts to think “you’re an idiot”, etc etc, take me to the pit instead, but if you want to help me, stay by my side: you have my word that my behavior was correct and I tried to put all my maturity in our relationship, but she let it to wreck away. Then, what I need here are reasons to believe I’m better without her. This is a call-for-help, not a discussion per se.
Please ask anything you want so you can have a wider aspect of the case. I’ll give you a start: she said she loved my little 9-yo son and later she started to criticize him because she couldn’t accept who his mom was.
I honestly think it’s time you forgot her and moved on… just remember - what’s happening in your life right now, is no dress-rehearsal… there’s ONE life for us all… so don’t waste time on things that don’t matter in the bigger picture.
Forget her, learn from the experience, if you possibly can, but don’t dwell on it all. Move onwards
But I’m just looking for a “clic”, something that my brain can perceive that is the exact time when the reasons fit… Do you honestly think that being with another girl, a good one, can make me to forget her? Why, in the name of heaven, if I’ve forgotten another, can’t I forget this one, even when I think she wasn’t good for me?
Grousser, there is no one thing that can make everything ok for you. It’s fairly obvious that you have been hurt by this girl, and provided you told us everything with as much honesty as possible, she treated you badly.
Healing from a bad relationship takes time. Do not go seeking another relationship right now, it will end badly.
You need time to focus on yourself right now. Get your life in order, spend time with your son. You should perhaps pick up a hobby, learn a craft you’ve always wanted to try. Teach your son a sport he’s interested in.
Maybe you could keep a journal for a while, write down your thoughts and feelings. What do you want from life? What do you want from a relationship? Look for someone that fits your criteria, but not now. Maybe in a few months…maybe longer.
The only one who can tell you that you are better off without her is you. But start here: Make a list, of things you like about her, and things you don’t like about her. Reasons to be with her vs. reasons to not be with her. What she brings to your life vs. what she took from you.
When my then-wife first left me, I went through a lot of the same stuff and plowed through about 15 self-help books, among other things. Out of all that, there actually was one book that I’d really recommend you read: “Letting Go”, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot. It’s been out for about 15 years, so I’m sure you could find it used at Amazon or something. Anyway, it’s helpful because it offers step-by-step, specific actions you can take to help yourself get over a relationship, gain clarity, stop obsessing, etc. Even if you’re not ready to give up on the relationship, you’ll find the book helpful. Go find a copy today.
I feel for you. I am currently trying to forget someone too. The main thing that strikes me is that you said she started to criticize your son. That is a good reason to move on and forget her. You are much better off without her if she didn’t fully accept your son. You two are a package deal and when you feel ready you should find someone that understands that.
What scares me the most is that I started to develop a certain hate for her. I don’t use to be scared by myself, I normally have full control of my actions. Always. But I was who started to tear her apart, when I saw all of her misbehavior.
I’m pretty sure what is happening is that I sincerely believed she was a perfect fit for me, because of our social environment (our families were known from long ago), we known each other since her childhood and we liked mutually. And here, as a small town we live in, she led me to believe she was “the woman for me”. Now, I can’t remember the beautiful moments without hating the bad ones, which were a lot more. And my rational thinking tells me that I deserve a better woman, but I’m fearing not knowing how to identify her properly (that’s the second thread I gave).
Don’t think I’m stuck with her, and I honestly think that another relationship will cure me faster, because I’m not trying to see her in the new woman, I’m trying not to see her. In other words, to see another woman and convince me that this situation was ridiculous because there are many women in the world.
I’m moving on in that direction, but believe me, it’s hard for me to rip off those bits of anger against her.
Know why? It’s hard expressing me exactly the way I feel it. But as Jaade says, this is like my journal, where I write down my thoughts, with the exceptions that there are you to read it.
I’m a modern-thinking person, I agree with the self-help books. My value doesn’t depend on another. I’m confessing that I known the solution, but I can’t find the way to perform it: the exact time she knows that I know everything about her, that I know that everything she accused to me was wrong and that I think she is worse than me and that I am better without her, then I’m sure I will forget her immediately.
Do you know why is this? Because I started to tear her apart but she returned crying. Then, when I tried to believe that she was fixing our relationship, she suddenly flew away. That’s when I started to feel cheated. She haven’t shown since then (two months ago). And she won’t, at least for some significant time.
You see? It’s not love what moves me. It’s the sensation that I couldn’t left her properly and I couldn’t tell her, in her face, what I have discovered about her. And that’s what moves me, I’m pretty sure. I’m not seeking for revenge. Only one peaceful and easy confrontation would cure me. Nothing to be afraid, I’m not a psycho.
What you’re feeling is normal. You just have to wait this one out.
I’m still in the process of letting go of somebody and it’s been almost a year since she left me. But my life is slowly recovering.
I know what you’re going through. It happens to a lot of people – men and women alike – and somehow we pick up the peices and move on. But it does take time.
You do have to face the fact that you will never get your confrontation, ane even if you did, it wouldn’t fix anything. She fled – that was her choice – and as much as her actions confound/mystify/anger you, you have to respect that she is her own person and her actions don’t have to make sense to you. You will never get your closure. Real life never works out that way, trust me. This isn’t the movies.
Forget rationalizing it. Some things in life just aren’t fair and don’t make any sense. Face it – you got snubbed and it hurts. She wasn’t right for you. End of story. It happens to the best of us.
Now you must focus on letting go. It will take time, but it’s your only option if you want to get on with your life…
I’m sorry. I wish I could help, I do. But, as Mean Guy says, it takes time.
What helped me was writing a letter. Even if you never send it, even if she never sees it, putting all your thoughts down on paper (not in an email), will allow you to articulate all the feelings you never got to express. Then, read it. Out loud. As if you were saying these things to her. Send it, if you like. But you may find that you no longer need to.
After I did that, it stopped hurting when I breathed. I began to take interest in other things. It’s been a few months. My heart still skips when I see him, it still hurts. The love is still there. But, I’m healing.
I would also suggest finding a hobby; something that interests you that takes a great deal of concentration. Even better if it involves other people. I play a lot of poker. But, chess works just as well.
Good luck to you.
Thanks, I have my hobbie, and I admit I’ve been letting it alone for a while: I make amateur movies (again, she tried to tear me apart of that activity because she didn’t understand it) and I hope to be a pro in the future. I’m starting to pick it up again, maybe that will tear my brain off “the case”.
Perhaps I have a strong sense of “fairness”, and I’d like to get closer on “what is and what should never be”.
