My first real boyfriend was a guy who said “No, not right now” at least fifty percent of the time when I tried to get him into bed. (And these are the actual bed times, not the “Hey, let’s sneak onto the playground and have sex on the tire swing” times.) As a result, I felt unattractive, unwanted, and incredibly demanding. It’s made me self-conscious ever since. But not once did I question his decision–no means no.
I have never actually said no to sex in my life, that I can think of. (My life is not nearly exciting enough to turn it down on a regular basis–hell, it’s not exciting enough to have it on a regular basis.) But sometimes, people are tired. People are grumpy. People are waiting to watch The Simpsons. In a good relationship, you should be able to say no whenever you want to. I have no doubt that my ex resented me for always wanting sex. I can’t say I’ve mended my ways, but I certainly take a “no” better than I used to.
I’d say it depends not on how many times you do it, but how often. if two persons are in a commited relationship, sex is implied; and it seems unseemly for one party to unilaterally cut the other one off.
have a friend, for instance, who has utterly cut her husband off from sex because she know longer loves him…but refuses to file for divorce, and discourages him from doing so, for “the sake of the children.” That’s a big part of his life she’s, um, cut off. She also has affairs, yet mocks him to his face for going to chat rooms where he might meet someone himself.
Here’s a perfect example of the trickyness of the whole business. I think it sucks that he made you feel that way because of his actions (or lack of action as the case may be), but at the same time he’s perfectly within his rights to say no.
I wonder if it might not have been a good idea to question, respectfully, his decision. It seems acceptable, in a long term relationship at least, to have sex with someone if it will make them feel better in some way, provided it isn’t expected of you and it doesn’t feel like a chore.
The first guy I had sex with (and who I was engaged to) pretty much expected me to have sex with him whenever he wanted it. If I said no, he would connive me into it any way. Since we were attending colleges in different cities, it ended up that any time we spent together ended up in bed. When I told him I wanted more out of the relationship than sex, he told me that it was normal for him to want sex since we didn’t see each other very often, and that once we were married (implying, once he could have sex whenever he wanted), we could find other more interesting things to do together.
I broke up with him fairly soon after that, right after he informed me that he preferred that his wife stay home and raise his kids, when I told him that I planned to spend a year in France then go to graduate school and eventually get a PhD.
After that experience, I made sure that boyfriends (then my husband) understood that I had the right to say no, and I respected their right to say no.