Yeah…that’s what I said, isn’t it?
And this isn’t a matter of control in the relationship or anything like that. I expect it to go both ways. We’re just just comfortable with the notion that each of us is an independent adult with an ability to make choices. If it’s a big enough deal, it gets more attention, and minds can be changed. But we don’t get worked up over petty things, so it hardly ever comes to that.
More power to us, indeed…
My wife looks askance at my three or four… I think she’d be thrilled at one per night.
This is where you went wrong. You should have been drinking from day one so she’d be used to it by now and would have never seen you do anything different.
See kids, it’s worth making that extra effort and getting beer down you even if you don’t particularly feel like it.
If you drank more, you would barely even notice the nagging.
I can’t believe I’m bringing up a post this old*, but about 5 years ago you posted about the key to marriage being teamwork. Pulling together and working together for a common goal. This is one of those situations, I think.
While there doesn’t seem to be any legitimate concern about alcoholism, her worries are entirely real. Find out why it is that she’s so concerned about a pretty low level of drinking.
Dangerosa also brought up a great point. What do you like coming home to more, a beer, or a happy wife? Find a middle ground, like choosing soft drinks a few nights a week, and keeping the freedom to have a beer if you want to when you get home.
*I thought it was a very insightful post, so I bookmarked it for myself.
Do you run out and do crazy shit after you’ve had your beer o’ the day? Get into fistfights while drinking? Have drunken blackouts? Wreck your car while drunk and then run from the cops? Ever been arrested in connection with your drinking? Do you get edgy and pissed off if you don’t have a beer after work? Ever sold precious family belongings for beer money? Ever scale a rancher’s fence while drunk, armed with a pocket knife and seeking vengence against a cow that “…gave you a look”? Ever find yourself looking more forward to a beer instead of looking forward to getting laid?*
If yes, you might have a problem. If no on all counts, your insane, massive overindulgence in the sin of single-beer-a-day drinking is probably just peachy.
*My brother was, and still is, a hardcore alcoholic and has done all of those things. Repeatedly. Because of his low tolerance for alcohol, some of those things were done under the influence of 2-3 beers.
Larry Mudd, are you still as functional at home as you’ve always been? Do you still do the same things around the house? Are you still communicating with your wife as much as ever? Are you performing the same way physically?
These are rhetorical; I’m not asking you to respond here. Just keep these questions in mind, and if you ever start to find that you’re slipping in any of these areas, that might be a sign that the alcohol is playing too large a role in your life.
This.
To know you are the child of an alcoholic, and your drinking has increased recently, is a perfectly valid reason to express concern. Does 8 or 9 drinks/week make you an alcoholic? None of us can really say with any certainty (despite posts to the contrary). But, even if it doesn’t, the fact that you are just pooh-poohing her concerns is a problem. It may be a communication/relationship problem, or it may indicate that the beer is more important to you than you consciously acknowledge.
I wouldn’t say you need to cut back or go dry for a while just to placate her. What I would say IS needed is 1) Really look at your consumption and think about how you would feel about going dry for a while. Not looking at the couple dynamics and power plays and your opinion of her opinion and whatnot, but just “What would happen if I DIDN’T have a beer tomorrow, this week, this month.” If it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal. If the idea makes you nervous or sad or pisses you off, then I’d see that as a red flag. 2) Talk to her. TALK to her. Meaning, ask questions and listen and don’t be defensive or dismissive.
Why should he switch? Having a beer, or two, after work, every day, is simply not an indication of any kind of problem. He likes to have a beer after work. In the absence of any evidence of problem drinking, I don’t see why he has to justify this to anyone. The fact is that if his wife thinks it’s a problem, she is wrong.
I hate this argument. Believe me, I’ve been in this situation. Basically, the beer-counter is saying that the very fact that the beer drinker says there isn’t a problem is irrefutable evidence that there is a problem. Because he’s in denial, of course.
This whole thing sounds like a control issue, frankly.
You’ve both snipped my follow-up sentence out of your quotes - the sentence that explains how I’d do the rational thing and communicate.
Just thought I’d toss this out there:
**Low-risk **levels of alcohol consumption per week are:
7 servings or fewer for women
14 servings or fewer for men
Cite.
You are well within the bounds of low-risk drinking.
It’s a pretty big leap from having a beer after work to being about to slide down a slippery slope.
Because his current behavior is making his wife unhappy?
You didn’t describe communication. Coupled with drinking more out of spite, you said you’d tell her to butt out in so many words.
Beware! First thing, if you give up your one cold can of pleasure, what’s next on the list? your cigarettes and taco bell? 
my sympathies…
I daresay my aforementioned wife would more strenuously object to my daily consumption of Taco Bell, for what I assume are obvious reasons.
In that case he should just pack up and leave. If his wife is prone to having ‘control issues’ and is ‘wrong’ about her own feelings, why stay with the bitch?
Seriously, I’d assume that someone married someone because they love them and respect them and want to share their life with them. That is going to involve some compromises to get the reward of a happy marriage. If its one beer a night, it seems like that is a more than reasonable compromise to lessen the amount of concern your spouse has for your health. If one beer a night isn’t a fair trade for your spouse’s stress level, one of you has a much bigger problem.
I have to admit here that I have some sympathy with your wife. However, I think she is incorrect (based on the facts you have given us).
I’m not a big drinker. I’ve always taken medications (Birth control, anti-anxiety meds) that exaggerate the effects of alcohol so I rarely drink and if so, tend to have 1 only.
My husband is more like you. He enjoys a good microbrew or whiskey and coke after work and likes to keep the house stocked with interesting choices. I notice when he gets stressed after a hard day he tends to drink more.
And I admit sometimes I think “wow, he went through those beers in a week?”
But really it’s because I am just comparing his habits to my own. It’s not all that unusual to go through a six-pack in a week or a bottle of whiskey a month. But because I NEVER do that, I tend to think of it as “drinking a lot.”
If your wife is like me, she might be doing an unfair comparison. One drink gets me buzzed, two and I’m drunk. For my husband, maybe 4 drinks gets him a little buzzed. There’s a big difference in body chemistry and tolerance, and that can be easy to forget.
Talk to her without dismissing her concerns. Ask her why she thinks it might be a problem, or what her fears are. It may be that she is noticing a regular behavior and is just afraid of the slippery slope. She may be pushing her own issues with alcohol on you, or she may be afraid of you turning into your father. Those are legitimate concerns, and you should let her know where you stand and why those fears are not going to come true.
It’s tempting to say “that’s silly, stop nagging me about it!” But for her, the worries will still be there. Address them up front and try to come up with a way you can both see the other’s side.
Whenever I start to think “He’s had a lot to drink this week!” I try to step back and say: “How much has he actually drank? Is that normal for him, and am I just thinking that because I haven’t had any of the beer and it’s all gone after a week?”
I hope you can both work this out.
There is a difference between having a beer and sitting on the couch, getting surly and other assorted drinking behavior.
Beer, the cause and solution to all of life’s problems.
I agree, they need to have a conversation. I’d ask her to provide an example of harm caused by his drinking a lousy beer every night. I’d ask her to examine what it is, precisely, that makes her feel so strongly about that one beer. He’s not doing anything illegal, and to his knowledge, is not causing any harm. If she sees it, she needs to provide that information to him. Then she needs to prove to him that he’s hurting her. Not “because I don’t like it” hurting her…but actual harm.