Okay, my wife is concerned by my drinking.

In My Humble Opinion
61

“Bitch” is not a word I used, or would use, in this discussion. And I didn’t say his wife is wrong about her feelings, I said she’s wrong about the facts. A very different thing altogether.

Yes, I know marriage involves compromise. I’m married myself, quite happily. What would concern me in this situation is that a trivial, non-problematic thing (one beer) is being characterized as a problem. Seems like the wife might be the one not compromising here. She’s taking a stand on a complete non-issue. If her husband having a beer causes her that much stress, I don’t think the husband is the one with the problem.

62

I agree that a drinking problem can creep up on you. However, you can’t just assume it’s going to creep in. Most people can drink two drinks per night with no ill effects. Many people can drink more than that and not be alcoholic. The fact that she fears something MIGHT happen is no guarantee it will happen.

63

You’re right that there is no guarantee it will happen, but with a family history of alcoholism there is no guarantee this isn’t the first step towards alcoholism either. I’m not saying he is going to have a problem, but ignoring the concerns of your family because a bunch of people on the internet told you that you don’t have a problem would be an epic fail. His wife is probably worried for a reason and it would greatly behoove him to find out what that reason is so that he can either explain why his choice to drink daily is perfectly valid and assuage her fears or decide that there are many ways to relax and pick one that doesn’t worry his spouse. To say that this is her problem and she needs to get over it is not going to help his relationship with his wife and it isn’t going to help him if this does turn out to be a step towards addiction. My story was meant simply to illustrate that a single drink a day isn’t always as harmless as we feel it might be and that he might want to find out why his wife is concerned before blowing her off in favor of booze.

64

Maybe not. But neither of us are there. And if she is having issues with anxiety, then they both have a problem and she needs help herself, not to be blown off with “this is a non-issue.” There is an issue here.

I’d say if he stops drinking so much and her anxiety goes away, then its a win win for her health and the marriage. Really, is the beer more important than her health? If it just causes her to get anxious about something else, then perhaps they should seek some help so that she can get her anxiety issues addressed - and once those are addressed, he can take up non-damaging levels of drinking again.

65

I suspect that Larry feels that he compromises plenty in his relationship with his wife already. There is nothing wrong sitting down and discussing it with her though. Maybe she hates the smell of beer and lets be honest, beer breath isn’t very pleasant especially for a non-drinker.

As a recovering alcoholic I want to just laugh about her worries but I can understand if she has dealt with alcoholism in the past. One beer a night is absolutely nothing to worry about. If Larry can drink a fifth of vodka a night and still be functional and still manage to hold a job like I could then my friends, he has a problem.

66

Funny how you slipped that in there.

67

On the other hand, alcoholics often lie. They often hide how much drinking they actually do. If she has dealt with alcoholism in the past, she may be worried that he lets her see him drink “one can of beer a night” - and be concerned that its something more than that she doesn’t see (and Larry might not be telling us).

Or maybe it has nothing to do with alcoholism at all. I told Brainiac4 he was drinking too much - I wasn’t worried about alcoholism, he was going through a really stressful period at work and the alcohol was a symptom of a much larger stress issue (and framed that way) that something needed to change. Something did change and he is a happier guy now than he was nine months ago (and drinks less). Perhaps his wife sees the drinking not as alcoholism, but as a sign he is under too much stress, or that he’s depressed, or that he isn’t involved enough and comes home every night to beer and video games or tv.

His wife is concerned about something. Communication is the key to figuring out what she is concerned about and reducing her anxiety over the matter.

68

I meant that if he was drinking two beers a week and cut it down to one, that would be “stops drinking so much” - not that the so much is excessive.

I don’t drink beer, but I’ll drink a glass of wine more evenings than not. I’m not a teetotaler myself. Nor am I saying that Larry has an alcohol problem, Larry’s wife has a problem with the amount of alcohol Larry drinks. Because they are married, and because her problem is with his behavior, this makes her problem his problem.

69

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that. I never suggested he blow her off. I’m suggesting that he ask her to vocalize what her problem is with it. I’m saying she’s overreacting at this point.

70

“Actually, I’d likely have a nice conversation about it that explains that a beer an evening is something no one should ever be concerned about - even if I was a priest.”

“Actually” as in in fact, or in reality. So no, it’s not coupled with more drinking. I’m not going to bother to define “nice conversation” for you. And the thesis of my imaginary conversation: that no one - including clergy - should be concerned about a beer a day is hardly “tell[ing] her to butt out”. It’s the argument/defense I would be putting forth in this situation.

71

I’d consider this a lose-lose, personally. He gets to resent her because she’s asked him to do something unreasonable, and she gets to continue being unreasonable without being called on it.

If I didn’t think my husband would call me on it and help me figure out what’s wrong when I’m being completely unreasonable, I wouldn’t have married him. Of course, having a spouse that helps me be a better person is a big part of what I want marriage to be about. YMMV.
I’ve known couples that do that- completely affirm one another no how nutso their demands, and they just end up co-dependent and losing friends, because no one else loves them enough to deal with their insanity. Yeah, anecdotes aren’t data, but why would he want to encourage her to make unreasonable demands of him? Considering his family history of alcohol abuse, though, I’d agree with the posters that suggest they talk about it and come to some compromise by which she can be satisfied that he’s not moving toward a problem- say, picking a day/week occasionally where he doesn’t drink, or maybe him agreeing to limit his beer consumption to where it is currently and not increase it. There are lots of ways for them to talk about this without her unilaterally controlling his harmless (if what he’s told us is correct) behavior.

72

Just what I wanted to say.

73

I love the combination of your user name and your first post.

At certain points in my life, I have nearly slipped over the edge into alcoholism. What saved me was the simple fact that the pain of a bad hangover (which strikes me particularly severely) is not worth the high brought on by alcohol.

These days (as in, the last 10 years or so), I rarely have more than one beer a week…although now that the weather has warmed, my wife and I have been sitting out on the back porch the last couple of days having a beer.

Larry, your wife has some sort of deep-seated issue. You need to talk it out.

74

I guess I don’t see where “drinking less” is unreasonable. Seems to me like a small thing to moderate if it causes the person you love anxiety. It isn’t like she’s asking him to spend less time playing World of Warcraft or something - that would be unreasonable.

75

I would hope that anyone who thinks this way would read post #48 and remember the following:

  1. The OP’s dad was an alcoholic. (I presume his use of the past tense in telling us this means his dad is deceased, rather than that he is a reformed alcoholic.)

  2. His wife presumably knows this.

  3. She’s seen him drinking more lately.

  4. He believes, with what appears to be good reason, that his drinking will not increase further, but even if he assures her of this (in a way that’s not “dismissive”), it’s probably going to make her uneasy… if she loves him.

76

Assuming your OP is accurate, you do not have a drinking problem. You have a wife problem.

77

It seems some folks have the impression (understandably, given the thread title) that my wife is super-anxious about this, and there’s quite a bit of conflict.

It’s not as bad as all that, it’s mostly just little comments. What brought it to a head a bit last night (I think) is that she had her blood up a bit about something else, (something trivial) as soon as I got in the door, and as I opened the fridge, she said, “Yeah, you take your beer, alcoholic.” (As it happened, I was after water, and there is currently no beer in the fridge, anyway.)

This was much more extreme than the usual little comments: “You never used to have a beer during the week,” “You drink more than you used to,” “It’s a bit alcoholic to drink during the week,” etc. I think in large part she just wanted to criticize me for something at that moment, so she amped it up.

My usual reply to this sort of comment is “Do you ever see me take more than one? Do I even get a little bit tipsy?” and I’ve explained that there’s nothing to it more than that’s we have a convenient liquor store nearby, now. (This may be foreign to folks from away, but in most Canadian provinces you can’t buy beer at the grocers’.) Sure, I like to keep beer in the fridge, but in the past the costs/benefits have been agin’ it. If I’ve got to take at least an hour out of my day and make a special trip (by public transit,) then, well it’s just not worth it. If the errand takes less than fifteen minutes on foot, well, sure…

Thanks for your comments, folks. The next time she brings it up we’ll have more of a conversation about it. I’ve never explicitly promised her that there’ll be no “creep” - though I think that should be clear; I’ve told her that I don’t like to have a “buzz” regularly.

Some folks have suggested leaving "beer gaps,’ to demonstrate that there’s no addiction. These are already in place, sort of. I took the last beer Monday night. It may be a day or two before I pick up more. However, as long as there’s beer in the fridge, I’ll happily have one a day until it’s gone.

I guess the disconnect for me is that I don’t consider beer to be exclusively (or even primarily) an intoxicant, and I think it’s a bit wrong-headed to think about it this way. It’s natural, I guess, because it (particularly the mass produced stuff) has been marketed with a boisterous “party” angle for a long time now. “Whoooooo! Beeeeeeer!” Whatever.

As for the worries about alcoholism running in families, I really don’t think there’s much danger, there - seriously. I know that someone who’s drinking “just for a little ‘glow’,” on a regular basis is likely to start drinking more as they develop tolerance, but I think one beer is “enough,” not because I get enough of a buzz from it, but because I’ve enjoyed that one beer, and don’t want another because that would give me a buzz. No buzz is just fine.

Non alcoholic beer - that is an idea, maybe. If a potable variety can be had in the neighbourhood, that might cut it. (Upthread it’s been said that it’s unthinkable, but I do recall having one that didn’t taste like Budweiser that’d been left out overnight and then carbonated. Warsteiner, I think - but drinkable.) Of course, I wouldn’t go out of my way for it, any more than I would for a real beer. …and I do like a bit of variety.

78

Larry, I may be projecting my own life onto yours, but your wife is trying to control your very innocuous behavior. Maybe she’s just got issues with alcohol or maybe this is symptomatic of a controlling personality.

I suspect the latter because she uses this issue as a sharp object to poke you with when she’s upset about something else. If you did quit, would she then start on you about some other thing, like fatty foods you eat or the way you wear your hair? And if you did quit, would your wife enjoy telling people how her love pulled you back from the brink of irretrievable alcoholism?

As I said, I’m speaking from my personal experience, not yours. So if this is unusual behavior for your wife then a sit-down to discuss what would make her happy is in order. You might not mind cutting back to three nights a week and it might make her happy to know it’s not a daily thing. But if it’s really about control then it can’t be solved by you giving in or not giving in. It can only be resolved when she recognizes HER problem.

This may sound stupid but you might suggest couples counseling. When the therapist hears about the level of consumption that causes your wife to call you an alcoholic, presumably the issue at hand can be settled quickly and you can shift the focus to why your wife feels the need to control your behavior.

79

I know people like to argue endlessly about the definition of “alcoholic”, but – this level of consumption is perfectly fine. One beer a day? Heck, isn’t that amount supposed to have health benefits?

80

I think there’s are a couple of misperceptions floating around … one, that a person must get really drunk and do stupid things to be an alcoholic; and two, that beer isn’t serious alcohol, that someone who drinks only beer can’t be an alcoholic. Neither of these is true. There are plenty of alcoholics in the world who drink only beer – or only wine, for that matter. Also, not all alcoholics get roaring drunk and punch out people every night.

Again, not saying that Larry is, or is in danger, etc. necessarily. But, beer is just as potent a “drug of choice” as hard liquor, and lots of alcoholics can drink and seem perfectly sober.